Watch what you look for, you might find more than you want. I got a wild hair yesterday and began researching my mothers family tree. I learned there are only two living blood relatives on my mothers side left not including myself.
I learned that my mothers father (a man I only met twice in my life, and never knew) was an alcoholic (without the alcohol), abusive beyond description, most assuredly bi-polar, pathological, and an all around nut case. He apparently was married multiple times, fortunately he only reproduced twice, my mother and her sister. He never had a kind word to either of his children, he berated his children, and his wives. Making them all feel useless, irrelevant, incapable, ugly, and absolutely unlovable.
I am saddened to hear this, but I am also relieved in that it explains a lot about my mother, and what made her the way she was. My mother had an absolutely amazing artistic talent. She was creative, and had an knack for perfecting any medium. My mother never felt she had a voice, she never felt acceptance, validation, love, she was unable to overcome her fears that her monster father created and cultivated.
My mother was a straight A student, she modeled after high school, she was smart, and she could cook. I regret not appreciating her cooking more. My mother was so insecure about herself she was unable to perform a simple task such as reading out loud. When my mother was 20 years of age, her mother suddenly became ill and only live about four to six weeks. It was in those last weeks of her mothers life, that my mother decided she was not going to be stuck alone with her father, she eloped with my father half way across the country. Unbeknownst to her she was marrying a similar type person as her father, emotionally immature, emotionally unavailable, dysfunctional on many levels. One difference between my father and her father was loyalty, my father was loyal and faithful to her, her father was only loyal and faithful to himself. My father worshiped my mother, he just did not know how to say it or show it. My father had never felt validated so he did not know how to validate me as his child or my mother as his wife.
Many years ago I forgave my parents for their blundering s as parents, and for making my life what it was. I have since changed it into more of what I want (still have a ways to go), but I am in command now, not them, not anyone. I decided that to continue to resent my father for his misgivings, and to “look for blame” was keeping my in a negative state. So what it was what it was, I cannot change what happened in the past, I can change how I handle things in the future.
Once I forgave my parents, my life became very different. I could again smell the flowers, and taste foods, and my head stopped hurting so much. Forgiveness is an amazing thing on all levels, for the person forgiving and the person being forgiven.
Note to self: it is ok to forgive myself too…