Published December 24, 2012 by emotionless brain

Since both of my parents have passed I have not really allotted time for “missing” them. Perhaps it is not the healthiest way to deal with it but I have found that if for a period of time (always limited) I do not allow certain feelings IE:  for the first five years after my mother died, and again after my father died, I did not “miss them”, you see it is easier to deal with things later. For example my mother died in 2003, I did not allow myself to get caught up in emotions about missing her for the first five years (yes I have grieved for her passing). While my father only passed in 2008, I still have six months to go to allow for “missing” him, I find myself today without my children misty eyed and lonely for family for the first time in a long time. In years past I have been able to fill the void of not having immediate or extended family. This time I guess it is different, I still have friends to see and things to do, I just cannot shake the sense that I am missing my parents. My family is Jewish, there was part of the family that was Catholic. I got the best of both worlds at Chaunakah/Christmas time. Chaunakah at home, and Christmas with the the extended family. Even as an adult I was partial to going for the the meal if nothing else because it was tradition, familiar, and comforting because of that. I always knew most of those people did not like me or my father, they were tolerant of us because the nucleus was still alive (my grandparents). My father had absolutely no “social skills” and was often misunderstood, sadly I followed suit until I learned DBT and got better at “reading responses”. I also have been organically forced to curt-tail my sarcastic humor. Silly me to think sarcasism would not be perceived as judgement (another subject for another entry).

Anyway, today I feel like I am looking into the widow of life seeing everyone getting ready, preparing for the gatherings to occur. Meanwhile I am out in the cold, alone, without a hearth and home. I know I am not I have many friends, not so much family just my kids for blood relatives (my half brothers lost the privilege to blood relative after my father died and the two that speak to me showed their true colours) but for now I am melancholy, that will change and I will go back to being full of life (even if I do not show it).


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