All of the sudden when I got to work today I peeked at my personal email and it was filled up with “wordpress” emails. Talk about a rush. Thank you all that really made me feel good. I have never considered myself very good at writing, and do not talk about my inner most thoughts ever, this leads me to a couple of ideas. One I really am growing up (damn its about time I am over 40 something), two I am not as remedial as I think I am (we are all our own worst critic), three life is like wine and cheese, it gets better with age.
This morning I had a conversation with one of my good friends, she said something that I had to stop her and step back and evaluate myself about. She made some reference to my “hatred, or disdain” for my ex husband. Her divorce was miserable, her ex husband is a typical monomaniacal, egocentrical, chauvinistic male (not even sure if he grew up from a boy into manhood). While my divorce was miserable (what divorce isn’t?) I realized I do not hate my ex, I am not angry with him (well not really, perhaps I should be). She said then why did you divorce him, my response was “because it was a stagnant, loveless marriage”. I was not stimulated (emotionally, mentally, or physically), there was absolutely no spirituality (I am Jewish he does not “do religion”), that when my father found out he was terminal made his dying wish that I get divorced. I have been angry with my ex in the past for bone head things he has done and said, but I do not have a visceral response to his existence like my friend does with her ex. Most of my life my father seemed to “know best”, so was I going to doubt his dying request? No way, my response to my father was “Dad I cannot handle the emotional trauma of taking care of you and a divorce. I promise that once you are gone and business is done the first thing I will do is finish the divorce (I had started the process before we found out my father was terminal)”. True to my word my father passed on a Sunday, the funeral was on Tuesday, Wednesday I called the attorney to complete the divorce process. Back to my conversation with my friend (sorry squirrel moment), I do not agree with the way my ex lives his life, he is not all bad heck I married the guy and reproduced with him. What is now most difficult is that he is too immature and his wife is too dense to be able to work together as a team to raise the kids. Duh we are still the parents. I do not understand why she hates me, I am absolutely undoubtedly not interested in him in any way shape or form. We have children together and will be connected for the rest of our lives, get over it honey you are not that special (or a big enough of a bitch) to keep trying to tangle with me.
It is easy for me to find fault with my ex, it always has been even when we were married. In fact more than once it was pointed out that I was tough on him always finding fault. I made my apologies to him for this, and self reflected as to why it was that I did that, and changed myself. While I do not find much good in what he does, I have stopped pointing out the problems and what he does not do. I let it roll like water on a ducks back. Sometimes I am limited to find good about my ex, but I am working to change that about myself.
I do not wish for my kids to be like me or like their father, what I wish for my kids is to be who they are the best of both of us, and no matter what kind or persons they turn out to be I will love them unconditionally (my kids that is).
My kids are in bed, I am tired have a good evening/or day. Till next time…