This has been another troubling week with my son. Yesterday he walked out of the house at 0627am, and of course without having taken his medicine. Proceeded to walk to school, two hours before school was to begin. When I discovered this I emailed the school that he had left the house without permission, that it was futile to rush up to the school embarrassing myself and my son wading thru the sea of about 800 students to confirm he made it safely. If they would please seek him out and confirm he is there safely, they oblige my request and by 0915 I get a call that my son needs his medicine because it was “magnet program auditions”. I wanted to scream, if it was important to you perhaps you should not have walked out thinking you were being the “big man“. Fortunately my nanny was available to go to my house get his medicine and his art work he needed for his audition and take it to him, and the guidance counselor was able to move his appointment time to accommodate the approx two hours he would need to get his meds in him and become normal again.
I remember growing up, my life was difficult and some of it I cultivated myself. Most of it I did not, I was an un-diagnosed ADHD kid (back in those days that was not a diagnosis that was give lightly), with a father that was labeled “schizo-typal” (not even a diagnosis that is used today), and a depressed mother. My father wanted to control me, and I was not going to be controlled. It was not that I was behaving erratically, or uncivilized, I wanted to be able to make choices, I wanted validation, leave out the mushy lovey dovey stuff that was not me. Every thing I did always had to critiqued, never just “job well done”, always “you coulda, should, woulda.” Do better, work harder, etc. Now I am the energizer bunny of drive, I drive myself H A R D. I know this, and I hide it fairly well, except when I allow people to see.
Lets discuss for a moment “positive affirmations”, you say something positive about yourself to yourself repeatedly and eventually you start believing it and it becomes reality. I tried this so many times (remember I am a master of drive), it never worked, for example I know I am a good person. I adhere to strict morals and ethics (all based from the ten commandments), but when I say to myself “you are a good person”, I know it in my head but do not feel it in my heart. I can feel with my heart, I can sense with my heart, hence the title of this blog emotionless brain. Think about it, the brain is grey matter (smells horrible when traumatically removed from the skull). Grey matter is a major component of the central nervous system, consisting of neuronal cell bodies, neuropil (dendrites and both unmyelinated axons and myelinated axons), glial cells (astroglia and oligodendrocytes) and capillaries. One thing I learned to well from the mental, emotional and physical abuse growing up was how to separate myself from myself, or how not to have feelings or feel anything. How is a positive affirmation supposed to work on someone who is separated from them self?
Please do not think for a moment that I am “damaged material “, I am no more damaged than the next person. I learned how to protect myself as a child, and as an adult I am learning not to have to be so protective. Are we all so different? Sometimes “a bull in a china cabinet” is appropriate, and others you have to walk lighter than a canary. This evening my son said to me “why do all the animals we foster always take to me (and not him), I tried to explain first and foremost you have to NEVER, NEVER give up. Try, and keep trying until it works. Eventually every dog has its day, or bird, or what ever. Approach each task or critter without fear, without resolve, if it doesn’t work the first time do it 50 more until you have won the critter.
Life is good, everyone it tucked in bed sleeping with full bellies. Here I go too…………………………