As a school girl I had a crushes on boys. After a few years of that and a few “boyfriends” I organically learned none of the drama or baggage that went along with all that was more work than it was worth. I guess you could say I was jaded very early on, was it because of the people I was associating with? Who knows (who cares), I stopped caring if I had a mate or not, in fact by my early 20’s I stopped even caring if I had a mate or not. I decided that marriage was not an institution for me because loyalty and faithfulness just were not part of my generation (call me old fashioned). It was not just my experiences, at that age I did not have many girlie friends and so watching my guy friends cheating and lying, I saw it all first hand from an observers position not an emotional position.
Now perhaps you get my title “emotionless brain”
There are different types of people brains, emotions, and varying mixtures of the two. Squirrel moment, sorry back to the topic of discussion.
So as you may have read in my last post I have found myself newly smitten by someone I recently met. He like myself is divorced with kids for a few years. He unlike myself does not have primary custody (but probably wishes he could), and has been dating. Before I was married dating just was not my thing, admittedly I do not trust with good reason. I have seen the good the bad and the ugly, and choose not to subject myself to the trauma of it. I am content on my own, not to say I do not enjoy another persons company, I am ok and functional without it too. My opinion is that society has bred CODEPENDENCE. Human nature is not to live in seclusion or reclusion, but in communities, and with a mate. It is a small miracle I ever got married, and had kids (was not one of my dreams growing up). I would not change the experience for anything, I loved my ex-husband when I married him, and I absolutely love and adore my two amazing children. Then reality became well reality, and he discovered monogamy at its purest was not what made him happy. It started while I was caring for my mother in her last year of life. He found internet chat rooms, and dating sites, and justified his “innocent” electronic conversations as just passing time. Humpf… While I do not think he ever actually had any physical contact with anyone else during our marriage, he was entertaining other individuals and to me that constituted irreconcilable differences.
So last weekend I was introduced to a man thru a very good girlie friend (and my blogging muse)at a party. We sort of hit it off, he snuck his number in my hand at the end (took me by surprise in a way). After talking to the friend who introduce us (I wanted to be respectful of her as my friend before I entertained the idea of chatting with him), I contacted him the next day. We went to a movie, and talked. You know in the “beginning” there is always so much to talk about, it is when you stop talking that things go in a bad direction. Then the next day Monday we chatted (well more texted the new form of chatting), we were both exhausted and he is in his summer possession of his three children so we did not see each other. The next day the chatting finally produced another face to face encounter. At the moment I do not have my kids they are at camp, so unusually I am FREE and in command of my time (so to speak), he is not. He came over, and with a piece of cheesecake. In one of our conversation I said I could go for a piece of cheesecake and mentioned a sweets shop and flavour of cheesecake I was fond of, volia there he was with it. While we did not get to share the cheesecake, I did feed him fresh blueberries. It was very romantic, and if you have read any of my other posts or you know me personally (I think I have only told four people about my blog so it is more anonymous than not) you know that I am not an “emotional” person, and far from a romanticist. I am actually finding myself enjoying this whole charade. Last night he was busy until late with his kids, so he was unable to steal away even for a moment to share mutual intoxication of each other.
Yesterday when I woke up I felt intoxicated by him, it was a grand sensation, uncharted territory for me, but I am allowing it for now. Last night I texted him something I think I may regret (you see texting can be dangerous in that the person reading the electronic words may not have to same perception reading that you are trying to say). I started with “no :-))) tonight”, he responded with “swimming late with the kids just got back from eating out”. After some other small talk, I said “As much as I would like to be selfish and try to steal you away, I totally understand. I commend and respect you for prioritizing your kids”. He replied “thank you”, I then replied ” you will find I am not like any other you have met”, his reply ” that I believe, in a good way”.
He leaves tomorrow for a holiday with his kids for a week, when he returns my kids will be returning from camp. My life will return to chaos controlled by my kids (since my divorce I have devoted my existence to caring for my kids, one of the plethora of reason I have not dated in the past four and a half years). While I want to be selfish and do what I want, I cannot do that to my kids and to take a babysitter is outside of my budget.
I believe what is meant to be will be, while I am absorbed with myself right now and loving the feeling of intoxication I share with him by 7/7/13 life will have to go back to normal. If fate has it for us to be together we will be, I will allow it for now (until and if I start sensing the warning signs), you see I am of the mind set not to share my mate. Monogamy 100% even without marriage. If someone desires to be with me, well then they get me, and if that is not enough get on down the road cause I am not interested.
The reference to real or memorex (if you are old enough to remember audio cassette tapes and their commercials) I ask will this be the real deal or a repeat of history…
Life is better than good today, I am intoxicated with romance, employed, kids are at camp having a blast, feathers are all good, furbabies are all good (ready to go outside).