another epiphany

Published June 29, 2013 by emotionless brain

Today I was getting dressed and was looking thru my underwear drawer. That sounds odd but girlies you understand, and even knowing I would not see Mr Smitten (or movie guy as the friend who introduced us affectionately calls him), I wanted something nice on. So I went thru all of it and discovered what an egregious collection of under garments I had.

I went and got my hair cut (it has been a year and a half if not longer since I had it cut), only two inches so it is still long and added shape around my face. I was running some errands and sent a text to a friend saying it was time for undergarment shopping. One thing led to another and because she has not been well for the past week I picked her up and we went and got “chair massages” which was quite nice. I took her back home and went shopping on my own.

While I was shopping another epiphany hit me (tis the season for epiphanies). This whole smitten thing is in the infancy stages, who knows if it will become anything, what I realized after a day of “ME” (hair cut, massage, undergarment shopping), in my attempt of being a good mother to my kids (especially since their father is not much of a father)I have been so devoted to them that I have completely and totally ignored and neglected myself. Its not like I was unable to exist without it, I have done fairly well for the past nearly six years since my divorce began and four and a half since the ink was put to paper. This past week something in me was awakened, ok more than just one thing (tee hee), now I want the option to be able to do something else besides work and raise my kids. I need an identity apart from my kids (of which I have never thought about before now).

I ask did I make the right choice my devoting myself to my kids, or did I create a monster in them and me. The monster being the expectation that my attention will always be as it has been for the past few years, if and when I try to divide attentions the kids are intolerant and un-accepting. My kids do not rue the roost, but with all the behavioral issues, and  the lack of support from their father… The other factor of the monster is the guilt (yes I am a Jewish Mother, guilt is organic) I feel for dividing myself.

Just when I though life would get easier with the job change, less responsibility less stress, supposedly a better working environment (not). A door has opened to a whole new confusing chapter in life (shouldn’t I have experienced this all a long time ago?)dating and socializing.

I hope I will be able to keep the perma-smile on my face until all this bit gets sorted out.

Life is good, I am employed, feathers are all happy, furbabies are all happy, kids are still at camp until next Sunday, sadly my object of smitten will also be gone till next Sunday, but my mood is elated.


9 comments on “another epiphany

    • Not quite so simplistically, in devoting 1000% of me to my kids I probably shortchanged myself and cultivated an expectation that was the norm. Now I am wanting something for myself, and unsure how to go about it to achieve it before it.

      • Perhaps you can find a way to be a amazing mother and at the same time do the things you need to for yourself. Your children are lucky to have a mother that devotes so much of herself to raising them, but I’m sure the want their mom to be as happy as possible and that means taking care of yourself also. Good luck, it sounds very challenging, but possible 🙂

  • You have to learn to be good to yourself. Then you can be good to those around you. You are a special person, don’t forget that!!

  • I am so happy that your personal life is going good. Never feel guilty for doing things for yourself. You will be a better mother if you are happy with yourself. I hope thing will work out for you with your new guy. Given the chance, he might be just what you have been looking for only you didn’t know it! I keep telling myself that there is someone out there for me and I always have to keep my eyes open because there is no telling where I might find him. Heck I met my husband at a 2 year old’s birthday party! Good luck and keep us informed. 🙂

  • I think it is very hard for women to choose for them selfs. We are innate caretakers and caregivers. Our instincts wants us to stay and care for our pups….we feel responsible for things we are not responsible for. So we become mother and father…so we end up in situations where we are so codependent that we loose ourselfs.
    I think it is wonderful you are becoming aware of your own needs. Good luck.

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