Today I was getting dressed and was looking thru my underwear drawer. That sounds odd but girlies you understand, and even knowing I would not see Mr Smitten (or movie guy as the friend who introduced us affectionately calls him), I wanted something nice on. So I went thru all of it and discovered what an egregious collection of under garments I had.
I went and got my hair cut (it has been a year and a half if not longer since I had it cut), only two inches so it is still long and added shape around my face. I was running some errands and sent a text to a friend saying it was time for undergarment shopping. One thing led to another and because she has not been well for the past week I picked her up and we went and got “chair massages” which was quite nice. I took her back home and went shopping on my own.
While I was shopping another epiphany hit me (tis the season for epiphanies). This whole smitten thing is in the infancy stages, who knows if it will become anything, what I realized after a day of “ME” (hair cut, massage, undergarment shopping), in my attempt of being a good mother to my kids (especially since their father is not much of a father)I have been so devoted to them that I have completely and totally ignored and neglected myself. Its not like I was unable to exist without it, I have done fairly well for the past nearly six years since my divorce began and four and a half since the ink was put to paper. This past week something in me was awakened, ok more than just one thing (tee hee), now I want the option to be able to do something else besides work and raise my kids. I need an identity apart from my kids (of which I have never thought about before now).
I ask did I make the right choice my devoting myself to my kids, or did I create a monster in them and me. The monster being the expectation that my attention will always be as it has been for the past few years, if and when I try to divide attentions the kids are intolerant and un-accepting. My kids do not rue the roost, but with all the behavioral issues, and the lack of support from their father… The other factor of the monster is the guilt (yes I am a Jewish Mother, guilt is organic) I feel for dividing myself.
Just when I though life would get easier with the job change, less responsibility less stress, supposedly a better working environment (not). A door has opened to a whole new confusing chapter in life (shouldn’t I have experienced this all a long time ago?)dating and socializing.
I hope I will be able to keep the perma-smile on my face until all this bit gets sorted out.
Life is good, I am employed, feathers are all happy, furbabies are all happy, kids are still at camp until next Sunday, sadly my object of smitten will also be gone till next Sunday, but my mood is elated.