another reason why not to date within ones social circle

Published July 7, 2013 by emotionless brain

I have this friend who after her divorce experienced what she calls the “divorce crazies”, I call it “sewing oats”. For the longest time she did not understand how or why I did not go through the same experience or desire after getting out of a loveless marriage (I still think she does not understand why I did not). I introduced this girlie friend to another girlie friend who is a midst a divorce from a loveless, semi abusive marriage. This third friend apparently is also experiencing “divorce crazies”. The three of us live in different extensions of a Jewish community in the same metropolis, and our kids while different ages all go to the same school. Before I moved here a few years ago I do not think there were many if any single parent/divorced families within the community. Now there are a number of us.

I learned after my divorce actually I identified it when my first friend started her divorce process that wimmin bond with each other through experiences, marriage, childbirth, death, and not last and definitely not least divorce. I told each of my friends while each divorce is different, the emotional roller coaster is the same. Pain, anger, pain, humiliation, pain, anger, resentment, anger, elation, pain, anger, grief, embarrassment, and so on and so on. It is how and what we do with these experiences that makes a difference in who and how we survive.  My divorce experience sadly came on the heels of my fathers death, which I knew I had to grieve for since I never got to grieve after my mothers death five years prior. Life was never going to get better if I did not start dealing with things. Now to boot I had two small children to raise without family or family support. I needed to create my own surrogate “family”, I knew at this point whatever men friends I may have had (that my then husband had not driven off) were not going to fulfill my needs (I will explain in a moment), I sort of grew up that moment and realized it was time to seek out the wimmin and get to healing. The reference to “needs” is not about physical, or sexual, it is about emotional, mental, spiritual, and then I had an “ah ha” moment: part of the irreconcilable differences in my marriage was the lack of spirituality, and growth. That was solidified when I spent some time in an Orthodox community and learned about niddah נִדָּה, and how in an orthodox marriage a man and woman do not ever express PDA, to preserve privacy and respect. (google niddah נִדָּה to understand it if you do not already know).

Sorry squirrel moment, the multiple reasons why I did not and will not go through “divorce crazies” is because I took my time to “play” when I was younger, before married life. To be honest now “playing the field” really has no interest of desire to me. Between raising two children (one with behavioral issues) and working, who has energy, time, or finances?

A few weeks ago I was introduced to a friends friend (yes Mr.S), he is the friend of one of my girlies (no they never dated) and have known each other since elementary school (but did not really become close until the past few years during his and hers divorces). My girlie friend always spoke highly of Mr, S, and always enjoyed their time they spent together. Now since he and I connected (for a brief week) and have clearly disconnected (because he has not called since he went on vacation with his kids over a week ago), she is unhappy with him, and will mistakenly read him the riot act when she does communicate with him again. I say mistakenly not because I am defending him, but because there were two people involved (it takes two to tango) neither of the two are innocent to the outcome. BTW I chose not to let the experience become negative for me, I was thoroughly intoxicated by him (which does not happen easily or lightly for me) and  enjoyed every moment. I took the potentially negative outcome and made it positive, I have become motivated again, a body in motion stays in motion and after my father passed I sat down and stopped moving. I do not think it appropriate to “give all the credit” to Mr. S for motivating me to move again. Again it takes two to tango, I chose to make this the event that but me back in motion and in command of my life as opposed to “just living it”. Please do not be unhappy or angry with Mr.S, he is a good person and gentle man, and a gentleman, instead consider changing yourself through my experience, I know you are happy for me to be moving in a positive direction, let that be your focus, not how or what he did wrong. I am not wounded in any way, in fact I am somewhat liberated by the experience (liberation can be a good thing is focused in a positive direction), this is not the same as your experience with CG, it is quite different.

The jest of what I am trying to say is if you date from within your personal social circle, or hook up with friends of friends, be prepared for any outcome, the good, the bad, and all else. Consider before how and what you will handle any possible outcome, while it is a mitzvah to introduce people in search of their “beshert”, the loss of one or more friends may not be worth it.

Life is good, my kids are home from camp, exhausted and happy. Feathers are sleeping, furbabies are sleeping, I am hitting the hay too. Cheers!!!!! I know that some day I will find my “beshert”, I have faith. Until then it is all just lessons preparing me for when that time comes.


2 comments on “another reason why not to date within ones social circle

  • I meant to tell you a while ago that your Father’s Day message about your father was wonderful, true, and right on. You did a great job with that. Hope you had a good reunion with the kids. Love you.

  • I am glad to know your kids are happy to be home. I am sure you missed them so much. Hearing that you are being positive no matter what the outcome with Mr. S gives me motivation to do so also. If it does not work out with my guy at least he got me thinking seriously about dating again. I know there is someone out there for both of us. I personally would do like you said and not contact Mr. S anymore but if he does contact you I would at least hear him out. He sounds like a good guy and there aren’t too many of those out there. Let us know how it goes. Also how is it going with your job? Are you going to take the other job since yours seems to be unbearable?

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