Last night was date nite with Mr.S. After I dropped the kids off at their sleep over (luckily I was able to take them to one place), I went to Mr.S’s house (he lives in the same neighborhood where my kids are visiting). I saw his house for the first time. It was very nice, he in a midst remolding, apparently it was the same house that he shared with his ex-wife, so he is completely re-doing it and making it his (which lead us into a conversation about “breaking the chains that bind us”).
We then went to dinner at a nice “fusion sushi” place, it was delicious. I had to make a pit stop because I forgot to buy dog food, he was kind enough to oblige me. During dinner we discussed what to do next, we were not interested in going to a bar, so we looked at movies. There is a nice theater downtown that caters to adults only (no it is not pornography) they do not allow kids they serve food and alcoholic beverages. We saw a movie, it was cute and funny, we then stopped at my house to let me dogs out and feed them. I had made Mr.S a new york style cheesecake, so we had our desert while tending to my dogs. I promised him before he left on vacation weeks ago I would make him a cheesecake, his favorite is “new york style” while it is not mine it gives me pleasure and satisfaction to see someone appreciate and enjoy my creations.
We then went to his house, and well a lady never kisses and tells.
What I will share with you is in the morning when I left his house I felt so intoxicated, and so full. I must admit not even my ex-husband ever had that kind of effect on me. I was chatting with a girlie the other day about Mr.S, and stated that I have absolutely no expectations for him, I am not “husband searching”, or boyfriend searching. Mr.S and I met, we have excellent chemistry, we have similar and different likes, I am enjoying his attention and company. While he and I have “broken the rules of dating” (by succumbing to physical desires) , we have stepped back a little and are getting to know each other. I can love someone, I have loved in the past (albeit not easily or lightly), but I am not sure I have ever “fallen in love”, and I am not sure I can. As I was explaining to my girlie about balance, she is an emotional touchy feeley kids of person, and I am not emotional or touchy feeley, I am separated from myself, and compartmentalized. Not that one is better than the other, friends balance each other when they are different like that. I told her I do not want to subject myself to heartache, another one of the many reasons I still have not dated post divorce. Why subject myself to more turmoil, I have enough in life already. Honestly if someone was smitten with me or interested in me I would be oblivious, connecting on that level is the furthest thing from my mind. I cannot put my finger on what it is with Mr.S, yes I am smitten with him, but at the same time (for the first time ever for me) I am not the driving force in the relationship as I have always been in the past. I am stepping back and letting happen what is meant to be, and accepting the gifts and pleasures as they are offered. So if we are able to see each other great, I suck up as much of his intoxicatingness I can get, and if we do not see each other we talk we text, and I am ok with that. I am the kind of person who has to have an attraction on all levels to be able to “be with them”, emotional, physical, mental, you get the drift, without attraction forget it and if there is something unattractive no way no how. Mr.S has all of the above, making him irresistible to me.
I have been divorced “officially” since November 2008. I continued having relations with my ex until the following spring. I still have no desire to date, my focus has to be about my children. I will not allow anyone to distract me or take away from my kids. When my kids are grown and gone, then I will welcome all the distractions in the world. Until then I will balance the kids needs first my needs second. Mr.S seems to understand and get this, and willing to work with it. I am not sure I am as irresistible to him as he is to me (that may also just be my own insecurity), I think we are enjoying things. Actually limited access to each other organically forces limitations that could be otherwise not be allowing for old patterns and habits that have not been successful in my previous relationships to kick in (definitely for me and probably for him too). I told my girlie he and I am like a “mexican standoff” neither of us will make a first move. This is a new pattern for me, historically I have always spoken my mind, and said what I did or did not want. While I still speak my mind, I have learned mindfulness, and are not so out spoken, I listen more (and with more than my ears, I listen thru observations too). Mr.S believes in “roles” as do I. So I let him open the car door for me each and every time, instead of reaching to open a door myself that I am fully capable of I let him reach around me and open the door for me, he is a gentleman and I am enjoying be treated like the lady I am.
He reached out to me a few hours after I left his house, it was nice (historically I would have reached out to him more quickly), I did make a bold move and requested that he allow me to treat him for his birthday. He and I have the same pattern about birthdays, we do not celebrate (for different reasons), but allow our kids to relish in the celebration. Next weekend is his actual birthday, and he will have his kids, I said not on the actual day since you will be with your kids, but another day please allow me to indulge you. He hemmed and he hawed, and then said “yeah sure ok”. I then made a reference to “breaking the chains that bind us” and change our patterns, maybe it is not such a bad deal to allow someone to dote and celebrate your existence. We will see, now I have to figure out what to do for him.
I do not have any expectation for him, or from whatever it is we are doing. I am enjoying our time together, keeping emotions out of the mix. He is a good person as am I, what is meant to be will be, until then I am enjoying the ride.