heart ache, it is worth it

Published July 27, 2013 by emotionless brain

This summer something changed with me, I found the path out of my head and have been able to reconnect with my heart. It is a very scary thing to be living partially in my heart, I have safely always stayed with my head, with logic who can go wrong right?

Well it served its purpose, until now. Who knows maybe it was just time for the change to happen. I prefer to to say it was Mr.S that facilitated the change, (sounds more romantic doesn’t it?). What warm blooded female wouldn’t want a more romantic story? I certainly do not object to a little romance now and again.

My girlie friend is heartbroken at the moment, she shared her therapeutic outlet with someone she recently became romantically involved with and it did not go so well. Her blog is primarily focused on her life events since her divorce, and what she labeled her “divorce crazies” (she sowed her oats). Her friend his name is Mr.P for this purpose (although right now I can think of a few other choice names that could fit him), my friend has shared her blog with lots of friends (just no family, they judge and object to everything she does that is not “NORMAL” by their standards. She shares it with colleagues, friends, and lovers. She wears her experiences for now externally and I understand why (with time and experience that will change it is organic).

Anyhoo, he Mr.P suddenly read the blog, and read, and re-read, and re-read. Being from a very different walk in life he did not understand exactly what he was reading (or why for that matter) and began taking her ramblings and musings personally. Hello, wake up dude, this person was blogging long before she met you and while you are mentioned in some of the blogs (she has her own sequence of names for her characters) the blog is not about you nor is it for you. It is about her life’s events sometimes as they are occurring. Mr.P mistakenly (possibly for lack of more eloquent words) said that she disgusted him. Wow, that not nice, and while I am sure Mr.P really meant to say some of the choices she made were disgusting he did not.

So what, everyone goes through things, has rough patches, has indiscretions. This is part of what makes us who we are, also how our matrix is programmed, etc. A mutual friend said to my girlie something to the effect of “men want the sweetest, ripest fruit available. They just do not want to know how it got that way”. Which by the way I too have said in different words to her, as well as it is not a mistake to blog it is however a mistake to share the blog with Mr.P.

To which my girlie relied “I am not keeping secrets, remember my 2013 goal “to speak my mind, and not hold anything back”. I knew at this point there was no reasoning, I foresaw this occurring. My girlie and I are on parallel courses, she is learning to speak her mind, and I am learning how not to speak my mind, aka “edit function“. I have never had a problem speaking my mind, blurting out what I thought, I also was oblivious how what I said impacted other people. When I realized this my life changed, kind of funny in the last five to 10 years of my fathers life I went to almost all functions with him (sometimes my now ex husband would tag along) and I used to have to be his edit function and censor how and what he said to people and I still had no clue about myself.

After my father died I took a series of classes called DBT (Dialectical behavior therapy), this was the first step to revolutionizing my life. I learned “mindfulness aka wise mind”, holy crap I could carry a conversation without upsetting the other person. I still had not learned “edit function”, that came after summer of 2010. In May of 2010 I did something called “Nexalin Therapy”, then my daughter and I went to a camp in upstate New York. She played while I worked, and allowed my brain and body to reset, while I was there I met an amusing J.A.P. that was a transplant to Boca Raton,FL. The words edit and function were not capable to being joined in her matrix, she said anything and everything, and she judged. Her room was next to mine in the same building, so I had the most exposure to her, after three weeks of watching and listening to her communications, I decided it was high time I changed me, I did not like what I saw.

I have gotten way off subject here, and it is no wonder it is 2150, all medicine has worn off, I am tired and unable to concentrate. Note to self: stop trying to blog after bed time. I will pull this together another day there is too much to chuck it now.

Life is good, feathers are quiet, furbabies are quiet, kids are sleeping dreaming of oompa loompas, Good night.

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