This morning I had a chat with my girlie and took a completely different look at the “text conversation” between Mr.S and I yesterday. She apparently had a chat with Mr.S over the weekend (not specifically about me).
People we are all sickly addicted to our electronic devices, we are lost without them, we cannot function without the comfort of having it attached to us. We use these devices for a plethora of things, first and foremost is communication. The communication is limited even if you are talking to another person, because you can not see the other person, and read their unspoken communications. Another organic component to being divorced is the universal “fear of abandonment”. So when I read Mr.S text I went into hyper drive, and went into dork mode that lapses in logic.
This morning by 0930 Mr.S texted me very sweetly “have a good day, only four more to go”. He knows that I am miserable at this job, and this is my last week to be there, making it more difficult in a different way that is unresolveable (is that even a word). I must admit I got the biggest smile across my face when I saw his text. So here is what I have decided on: if I try to approach Mr.S now about the mis-communication he will surely not understand. He after all is a midst his last 14 days of possession with his kids, trying to prepare for his sons Bar Mitzvah (that his ex wife is intentionally doing everything she can to burn him). And one of his projects at work just got permit approval and will be taking off really quickly. For me to try to approach him at this point would be incredibly selfish, and appropriately not received well. I will blog about it as I am doing, let a few weeks pass (as previously planned)and when all the fur is done flying and I still feel compelled to tell Mr.S a story about how I mis-read his text I will, and if I choose not to tell him he will not be impacted by what he does not know.
For many years even before I met my ex husband I always maintained that if I could not find Mr. Right, I would never settle for Mr.Right Now. Put another way if you can not have the one you love love the one you are with, sorry that is not me. I cannot do that, more than once I was the “intermediary” or “the stepping stone”. Selling myself short, settling for what was in front of me instead of passing and waiting for not the BBD, but something better. In my marriage I was the leader, I was the path maker, I was the main bread winner, I was the adult. I was not able to relax, enjoy, be romantic, never was there sereneness, calmness, passion, pleasure. When my mother was in the last few months of her life, I was pregnant with my daughter, my ex husband found “chat rooms on the internet” (back in 2003 before the internet explosion as we know it today), he was chatting to women all over the place, in his mind he justified that he was not cheating because he never met them so he could not touch them. I would have none of it, he was chatting with other women he might as well have been having sex with them, it was all the same to me. That was the beginning of the end.
So when I say there is something different about Mr.S I am not over stating or exaggerating (and yes he like me has a failed marriage to answer for), with Mr.S it is calm, serene, romantic, pleasurable, we have even found our rhythm together. We can talk, or not either is ok between us. I actually look forward to the next time I will see him (and not just because he satisfies me sexually) I enjoy his company, his presence. There are no expectations between us (that is not true, I have stated that I expect respect in other words do not lie, cheat, steal, or toy with me), and after I said it his expression was almost that of being wounded. I looked into his eyes and gently said “I think you know what I mean by that right?” He got it at that point, and I actually felt silly for having said it, why you ask? Because for the first time I am actually calm, comfortable, serene, and able to sip slowly with someone. I can hear my girlie “are you falling for Mr.S?”, no, I am not sure I could ever put my heart back out there. I can be with someone, I can love them, but I still always remain guarded. Mr.S has gotten the closest to me out of anyone in a very long time (in some aspects closer than even my daft ex husband could get).
This has definitely been a summer of change for me. As I said previously if it is meant to be it will be. I am tired of foraging the path for everything, for once I am going to sit back and see what Hashem has in store for me.
Life is good, I am still employed, feathers are sleeping, furbabies are sleeping. kids are dreaming of lollipop trees, and swedish fish. I am tired, but my cup is still full while learning to drink life slowly I also shall learn to only allow the cup to empty as slowly if not slower.