update on other categories in my life

Published August 10, 2013 by emotionless brain

The kids are ok, my son is having behavioral issues again. He went to his fathers a couple of weeks ago and has not been the same (typical). He is overly emotional, I am unsure if there are girlies involved at his day camp. He is in gymnastics and loving it, apparently he is quite talented. My daughter has been having some issues (organic if he is she will) she has been soliciting negative attention, for example talking about private matters at camp (to embarrass her brother). But last week I was out of town they seemed to do alright, we shall see what lands next week.

Now the other subject: I did not realize how long it has been since I have written about Mr.S, I am sorry there has been a lot going on between my life and his. He has had his kids for the last two weeks to complete his 30 days of possession for the summer. The first week of the two weeks he only had the older two, the younger was at sleep away camp. They were with their mother last weekend, and will go back to her on Monday.

Last week (not this past week the week before that was my last week at the miserable job), was a really difficult week, between the miserable job, and my son I was really ragged and in need of some TLC. I was physically and emotionally worn down. I did not ask Mr.S directly, you see I will not always ask outright, sometimes I to be understood without clarifying (I know part of that women are from Mars men are from Venus communications). I went to my girlies house Friday evening for Shabbat dinner with her family, I was tired by about nine-ish and went home. My regular no children in the house routine, I took a hot bath, put on slinky pj’s, and had a drink (this time was Amaretto, one of my absolute favorites). I read until I fell asleep, somewhere after 2300 my fone bleeped (somehow I herd it, mysteriously) it was Mr.S inquiring what was I up to. Um well let us see 2300 hours what do you think? I knew he had a business dinner/meeting that evening. I was actually a little put off because earlier in the day (again thru text messaging, out primary communication when not face to face) I told him I had something difficult to say. I told him that I missed him, you can only begin to imagine how awkward and difficult that was for me to say. To which he replied “that must have been difficult to say”. Not exactly the response I was seeking (we had not seen each other for the entire week as he had two of his kids), and I was more confused by that point and not feeling very validated or secure. So when he bleeped me that night I was rather on the fence emotionally. I was missing him, and was in need of some tenderness (although I did not appreciate the hour of the request) so I relented with myself and allowed him to pick me up and we went to his house, Even for the late hour he was still so tender, loving, and romantic. When Mr.S and I are together it is not all about sex, we talk, we laugh, we play, we eat, etc. We woke the next morning he made breakfast (and yes it was delicious) we hung out at his house he was doing his thing I was doing mine, and we chatted about various things. Until it was time for me to go home, he took me home and we parted ways romantically as always.

We texted and spoke on the fone while I was out of town. Yesterday morning I sent him a cute text that went like this; “pssst are you alone I have a secret to tell you”, to which he replied “yes” I then said “I do not want to burden you, I know you are with your kids you need it and it is good for you. I just wanted to say I am missing you again”. To which he replied “Awww missing you too”. Finally some validation, I was elated and on cloud nine. I had no idea when I would get home yesterday so I did not want to ask to see Mr.S. After I got home had all my immediate chores done, and was making myself dinner, I reached out to him and said “chores done, dinner cooking, hummm what is missing?” He humorously replied “hummus”, to which I replied “not quite, do you know or give up?” He then said “blueberries and cheesecake”, you see that was our first romantic encounter was feeding each other cheesecake and fresh blueberries. I replied “now you are on the right track, would you like to come over later after the kids have gone to bed for dessert?”, His reply was “;-( family coming over can not break away”. Mind you I am exhausted I have not slept but about 15 hours the entire week, and are hitting that dysfunctional mode. I sent him back many sad faces and said “enjoy your family time”. I was upset, no two ways about it. This morning my fone bleeped earlier than normal, it was Shabbat so I knew it was not my kids, yup it was Mr.S asking if I was still wardless. I said yes, he said he was dropping his car at the mechanic and had a few hours of alone time. I should have said no, I know but I did not, I went and got him we came back to my house, we talked and had a romp (that was different in that we are totally in sync with each other and have hit a new plateau of pleasure), and then he crawled under the kids bathroom sink and proceeded to fix it for me. I was grateful and surprised, I was not asking or expecting him to do that. I took him back to the mechanic and went on my merry way.

I was talking to a girlie about this morning and her reply was ” I do not like this, it all sounds like booty calls”. To which I organically defended by saying “we do more than have sex, and we do not always even have sex”. But now I am thinking about it all, and not pleasantly. I am not sure how to assess the scenario, naturally I am partial and are looking for it not to be “booty calls”. But you see Mr.S and I are like a Mexican stand off when it comes to “talking about feelings”. He being male, and me being well me (I have never been one to talk about my feelings ever) conversations that involve “emotions” are left unspoken, not had, not avoided just not brought up. I am not so comfortable discussing emotions, I compartmentalize everything, and do not “feel” things like most people. The past few years I have been working diligently at not being  stone (hence the name emotionless brain), allowing myself to experience emotions. It has been daunting work, but I have made great progress. Then came along Mr.S, who by the way refuses to accept any accountability in my progress or the leaps and bounds of improvement I have made since I met him (is that a red flag?) Not that I am “dumping” my success or burdening him with it, but seriously since I met him my heart has become less heavy, and I smile so much more. I have a bounce to my step, I am satiated, those alone are feats to be accomplished for me, much less add them all together. Oh yeah and I have stopped wearing clothes that are five sizes too big, I actually are wearing clothes that fit and show off my “tiny figure”. You know not even my ex-husband in 10 years of marriage could not get me into form fitting clothes like I am now.

Mr.S and I are going on six weeks of seeing each other, what is the next step, and when will it be appropriate to take it? Will it be introducing each other to our kids? Meeting families? Meeting friends? I am so out of my element here, and when do we start having the conversation about it? I am trusting blind faith an hoping there will be a next step to move to (it is in my nature not to be confident, also something I am diligently working on changing).

Life is good, I am employed with a new job that will have untold potential, my kids are safe all my critters survived the week of high school-er that I paid to care for them. My cup is full, I was totally satiated until I started thinking….

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