I have been home since Friday evening, my daughter returned to me Saturday evening and my son just now returned to me. My son was graciously taken out of town with his cousin on their family vacation. He has returned an absolute shit, not only ungracious but dictating to me what he will and will not do. I am unclear who this 12 yo child thinks he is or how he plans on paying his own bills but I do not have tolerance for his tude.
On a personal level I am not in a great place, something happened yesterday that took me to a very dark gloomy negative hideous place that I have not been to in 20+ years. Someone said something to me that for some reason I reacted to internally, I am still reeling. It was said to me “stop being needy”, we can all be needy at various points in time. I do not think I was being especially needy or demanding. Perception is the rule (especially with texting communications), I do not even remember reading the text, I actually heard it my stomach dropped 50 feet, and I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of inferiority, helplessness, and smallness. The other person may have tried to clarify why they said what they said but I stopped them by saying “got it, moving on”. I have been reeling ever since with these horrible, scary, destructive, stupid emotions that were churned up by this interaction.
Add insult to injury today was my first day at the new job, with my confidence below the toilet it was not an easy day. I have been fighting back tears all day. I am not a “needy” person, I am quite independent, as self sufficient as one can be in my circumstance. That being said with everything I have going on I for the first time in a long while are actually feeling the need for validation. Two new jobs this summer (who knew the first one would be so terrible), my son back spiraling out of control, me leaving my kids for the first time ever (to go for a week of training in another city), meeting someone new and smacktacular. Yes I said that…
Last night I channeled my energy into my consulting work, tonight I channeled my energy into baking. I made a toffee cheesecake.
Life is good, I am employed, feathers are all well, furbabies are all well, and kids are sleeping soundly. I am having a glass of muscato wine, enjoying peace and quiet.