at a fork in the road

Published September 1, 2013 by emotionless brain

My summer started normal, then took turn in a new direction, then went back to normal. The experiences I have had were a mix of good and not so good (I dare not say bad because without life’s experiences we would not learn and grow). I am still in a limbo state in regards to my experiences.

I met someone who opened something in me I did not know existed, as my girlie put it; I thought and I projected the image of being impervious, as my blog name describes, devoid of most emotion. I became this way out of a sense of necessity to protect my inner self. I became like this at a very early age, I actually remember the moment vividly when I made the decision “to “feel” was problematic”. As I grew so did my desire not to be emotional, I saw people around me hurting, and being hurt. I did not want that experience for myself. This was more than just about the way my parents were destructive to each other, I also saw the way people I did not even know be angry and hurt. I closed my heart and cut the ties between my heart and my head.

I was married once, and I now realize while I cared for him before and during the marriage, I did not “love” him with my heart soul and existence. I knew once I became pregnant with my first child I would have to open my heart, and I did. Then ca,e my second child, and my heart opened up a little more and a little differently (my first born was a son, my second was a daughter). My children have become my heartbeat and existence. I have regrets for having married someone I now realize I actually did not love, it was unfair to him, I do not regret the two amazing and beautiful creatures that came of the marriage.

This summer when I met this person, it completely took me by surprise, I have always been adventuresome, and love a challenge. Sadly the playing fields were not even/level in any way shape or form, you see he knew about the “rules“, I did not until mid way into things, by then it was too late all the rules had been broken. Somehow I morphed into an amazing creature of radiance, compassion, patience, emotions, I was so high on life I never knew I alone could feel so good. The endorphin’s in my brain were like no other, I am not inexperienced in tinkering with my endorphin’s. I want that creature back, I liked myself like that, other people liked me too. I do not regret the experience, what I regret is I feel manipulated and use, and that the other person will not  grow or learn from the experience. Why you ask? Because they are unable or unwilling to face their demons, and they unilaterally decided to lump in their demon category. The way they did not end things was by just stopping communicating with me. I have since had a two minute conversation with them that someone else forced to happen and they attempted an apology for having “behaved poorly”. Initially I was willing to hear and consider accepting the apology, I have since changed my mind.

A girlie said to me and I have pondered long and hard on this, “I allowed the rules to be broken, thereby allowing myself to be disrespected”. To begin with I had absolutely no idea about the rules, I have since read a few books on the rules, and sort of have a clue about them now, and I will absolutely make a consorted effort to live by them moving forward. What I disagree with is that I allowed myself to be disrespected, absolutely not, he knew about the rules going into things and knew I did not, how because one of our first conversations was about “THE RULES” and I told him I had no idea what he was referencing.

 

I am still in motion, and will keep that momentum going (the motion has always been about me). I will eventually figure this all out, and decide what to do with it. For now I will go back to being a full time working mother devoted completely to my children. I want my son back home with me, and I want my daughter to stop being a manipulative selfish person. To do this I need all of me focused on them, not on myself or my social desires. This does not mean I will sacrifice myself, just that if I do not get what I want or get to do what I want to do it will just have to be without repercussion or resentment. When we have children we have to become selfless to some degree until such time as the children are able to function without us, then we are able to become self absorbent and self fulfilling.

Life will be good again.

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