what made me angry

Published October 15, 2013 by emotionless brain

I am angry because I do not like it when people pussyfoot around what they project shoulda coulda woulda be another persons problem. Seriously, I was discarded worse than a piece of refuse, I was used and cast out like a leper. I am hurt for a number of reasons:

To begin with I allowed myself to be used. Shame on me, clearly my judgement was clouded and I misjudged another person (or people). I trusted another persons words and temporary actions. I was so caught up in “enjoying the moment” I lost sight of the bigger picture and the future. I am still in awe of myself how that happened (never happened before, nor will it again). There is a reason I do not trust, people in general are not trust worthy (pun intended), I have seen people from various different perspectives (does Timothy Leary come to mind), I have spent many many countless hours analyzing, studying, observing people in a variety of settings. There is one common denominator in today’s society, it is the “ME” society.

The other person in this equation is not divorced, and while I do not judge people they have not begun their “divorce crazies” because they are not divorced. One cannot technically have any divorce experience until there is ink to be dry. Sorry Charlie it is the truth. This person I think is a good hearted person, they do not deserve what will happen to them by getting involved with this other person. That makes me angry too, I know exactly what the outcome will be, as does the rest of the world. While the not divorced person carries them self as a pillar of strength, works in a mans wold with a bunch of roughnecks, honey I got news for you. They are not as strong as they think they are, and while the length of their entanglement may or may not exceed what mine was, the ending will not be neat or easy. I worry for both of them (yes even the one who hurt me, they are human and deserve human compassion), why? While I do not have a crystal ball and cannot predict the future, I do know some things.

Why else am I angry? I hate being angry, I get frustrated with myself when I get angry. I spent so much time in my younger years unhappy, angry, miserable. I have a difficult time dealing with when my anger goes below the surface on any issue much less one on such an intimate level as trust and intimacy betrayal.

I am still in motion (yes Dork will do Zumba, Yoga, and Body Pump again soon), and while I cannot honestly say “life is good” today, I can honestly say it will be good again someday. Just because I am hibernating my heart does not mean it will never come out to play again. Only death is forever, and BABY I AM NOT DEAD…………………..

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