Yesterday I went to our old shul and attended a Bar Mitzvah service that was very nice. I also attended the luncheon afterwards. The Bar Mitzvah boy is a friend of my son, and his parents have been warm, friendly, and receptive to me from day one. Unlike some of the other families in this hypocritical modern orthodox neighborhood.
It intrigues me why when people ask what is different about me, I tell them nothing, they insist yes there is. Would you like me to just come out and say it? No I have not lost weight, yes I did straighten my hair, no I did not change the coulour (it is coloured to cover the grey), alright already I am finally comfortable in my own skin, and I am wearing clothes that fit and accentuate my body. I never leave my house without looking my best, I learned how to wear clothes five sizes too big and make them look good, not frumpy flabby, in fact no one could even tell I was hiding in my clothes it was that natural in appearance. Now I am wearing fitted clothes, and you can see that I am girl for starters, and that I have curves. No I am not dressing sexy for shul, but when clothes fit correctly you can see the body shape.
What else is different about me? I do not know apparently something because they all acted like they barely recognized me and it had been an eternity since anyone had seen me. I have always held my head up, but now it is more than just my head, I am stronger and much more confident. Perhaps that is what presents differently, the confidence. Just wait until my son’s simcha, most of these people have sat in judgement on me (never having walked a day in my life) making me feel like a leper, an undesirable. Humpf, I have news for all of ya’ll, it takes a village to raise a child, I rarely asked for help even when things were out of control, there were a few that stepped up and helped unconditionally (I declined help with conditions), so bite me this is my day to bask with my son. When it is my turn to stand up with my son (his father is neither Jewish or interested in participating) I will find strength in the knowledge that when I answer to my maker it will be with a clean conscious, and that my Judaism comes from within, not false pretenses or fake airs.
Feathers are asleep, furbabies are asleep, my daughter is fast asleep, my son does not live with me so I do not know what he is doing. I am still in motion, and some day life will be good again (I promise).