All posts tagged ADD

a conversation with my 15yo son

Published June 3, 2016 by emotionless brain

I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.

I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of  judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.

After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.

I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.


I have another headache

Published September 29, 2013 by emotionless brain

Growing up I had horrible migraine headaches, so horrid that I would spend days on end in a dark, cold room, puking my toenails up. When I was a child migraines were not diagnosed in children, or at least not in me. As an adult I sought testing and diagnosis, I learned I had two different types of headaches one being true migraine, the second being tension headache. The tension headache often organically turned into migraines because I had not learned how to manage myself or the headache. There were a few tricks I learned with experience first (and not realistically) avoid the kind of stress that would trigger a massive debilitating headache, second if I felt tension building in my head take something as quickly as possible. For the migraines, I had to learn what foods triggered me (and I did in early adulthood), stay away from those foods, then I tried every migraine medicine on the market, and a few off label meds. Once I found what worked (avoiding what did not) I stick to that regiment until it stops working, and yes everything stops working after a while, and something else starts working.

Since I have had my two children I seemed to have almost subsided the debilitating headaches, or maybe I have gotten better at managing things who knows. I know that having children does change your chemistry, and everything else about your body. I have had less than a handful of headaches since my divorce five years ago (my youngest was four at the time). That is a welcomed epiphany.

Anyway last week ended with a slight headache, I have been burning the candle at both ends, work and work, while trying to also have a social life, and keeping up with my children social calendar. Work has been very stressful, I think tomorrow will be the beginning of cutting dead weight from the team will begin. Sadly some people will quit or be fired, I never want to see anyone loose their job, but if you cannot perform as expected its time to cut bait.

Saturday I woke not wanting to get out of bed, tired, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I got up, eventually and tended to my daughter, and laid back down in bed. I guess I basically slept most of the day, and night. I woke Sunday feeling weird, typical when I do not follow routine. I want to crawl out of my skin (fellow ADD/ADHD’ers know what I mean when you miss a dose and do not take it for 48+ hours). Strangely I was not hungry Saturday (the first 48 hours after a missed dose I eat more than usual, but then it tapers off), nor today. I took my daughter to gymnastics practice, and went shopping.

My headache is almost resolved, still lingering way way in the back of my head. I hope it does not come back, those are the worst headaches just when you think it is gone BAM it jumps up and bites you hard taking you down for the count.

I am still in motion, although I declined Dork Does Zumba or Yoga this weekend.

Dork does the gym

Published September 8, 2013 by emotionless brain

I am as graceful as a drunken sailor stumbling along the dock. I was elsewhere when grace was distributed. And yet I love club dancing, actually I used to be quite good at it many moons ago (in another life).

I recently joined a gym after close to 15 years of not exercising. I figured it would be a healthy place for me to spend energy, and exercise, not that I need to loose weight I only weigh 110 lb but I do need to tone up, and my attitude needs adjustment. So here I am back at the gym and attending Zumba and Yoga classes. Yesterday was Yoga, today was Zumba it kicked my butt. My current diet is not supporting me exercising, and that is making me feel worse. I have no appetite to begin with, so it will be interesting to see how I manipulate myself to eat more protein (good luck). I am a meat eater, I love my meat, but I eat it rarely. I only crave meat when I exercise in any capacity.

It is hysterical when I look at myself during Zumba, I am a dorky mess. My hips can move but not in conjunction or coordinated with the rest of my body. Once I am comfortable with the beat of the music and the steps I think the rest of me will coordinate better. I can at least hope. When I can stop needing to watch the instructors feet to count the steps I will be able to get out of my head and “feel” the music.

The gym is total sensory overload, I cannot begin to describe what happens when I walk in the door. There are smells (and not so pleasant ones), there are too many sounds, and the movements, talk about too much. I have set a goal for myself, I will work thru all of the sensory overload, sounds, smells, and sights and achieve my goal, if nothing else because tenacity is an integral component of my matrix. There is more to this goal, I am not ready to share the rest of it. Time will tell, I promise.

I am still in motion (obviously), and know that someday I will be able to say “life is good” again.

how I choose to live my life

Published September 7, 2013 by emotionless brain

If I coulda, shoulda, woulda then life is perfect right? I did not, I choose not to coulda shoulda woulda. I do not necessarily have regrets, there are a few things I might have done differently (hindsight is always 20/20).

At yoga this morning the instructor recited some very interesting paraphrases that resonated with me. Specifically about acceptance, both of self and of surroundings. I am accepting of my surroundings (even if I think they need changing, lol), but of my self that needs some work. I accept myself in my head, but have total disconnect from my heart. I know that I am this and that (not in a conceited way), but for some reason I have a bone in my hear that keeps me pushing harder and more, always attempting to achieve my perception of perfection in whatever the subject may be. Cooking, working a puzzle, at the gym, anything I always set a higher standard for myself. When something does not go as planned, I do not blame myself, I simply dissect the situation to assess my participation and if or what I might have done differently and if that change was a guarantee for success. Usually not, then why do I go thru this mental masturbation you ask? Because most of the time I am bored, and need something to keep my mind occupied, especially when driving (and lately I have had a lot of that, averaging 800+ miles a week for work).

The next logical question might be “do I expect perfection from myself? Um no, I am only human, and humans are imperfect. I can still try to achieve perfection in any way possible.

I am still in motion.

squirrel moment

Published September 3, 2013 by emotionless brain

the only time I have to go to the gym is in the evening, and darn if all the medicine is past worn off and I cannot focus to work out or learn Zumba, or Yoga, or nothing.

I must look like such a dork just standing there while the rest of the class is hopping and dancing, and I am just looking at all the pretty colours swirling around me, and the hair flipping and flopping. Look there went a piece of fuzz rolling across the floor.

Now if I could get my groove on and dance I might enjoy myself more, but until then I will keep trying after all I am still in motion.

Life will get good again soon…

feeling manipulated

Published June 2, 2013 by emotionless brain

My son suddenly decided last night he wanted to spend the night  with me. His sister is at her fathers, I was alone, so he came home. This morning I told him I had lunch plans with a friend (who he knows), he (my son) chose the cuisine Chinese. I notified my friend and got it set up. Shortly there after my son says he has changed his mind he does not want to go.

I ask why, he starts to throw a fit, I try to explain there has to be better or more descriptive communication that him just saying “because I do not feel like it”, after all he is only 12. I then asked what happens at his uncles house when he is told to do something he does not want to do, his reply I have to do it anyway, but Ima I dont have to do this right?”.


why can’t I

Published April 19, 2013 by emotionless brain

Put my damn resume together. The past couple of weeks have been constipating to my ability to express my self. It has been the typical roller coaster with my son. His therapist is trying to convince me to ask his Psychiatrist for “anti-psychotic”, because he is back to having rages. In a rage he broke the bathroom window, trying to get out. He could not get his way, packed a bag as if to “run away” because he was busted in a lie and could not get his way.

I told the therapist anti-psychotics were not an option, I have researched long and hard. While I do not enjoy my sons emotional roller coaster, to obliterate his senses is not an option. As it is he does not like his ADD meds, he says they slow things down, make it kids of dark. He will hate anti-psychotics.

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