All posts tagged attitude

what a long strange trip it has been

Published January 17, 2017 by emotionless brain

It has been a while since I have blogged. I have had a lot of lessons over the past few years. I look at every experience as a lesson, and try to take away something to grow from the experience.  I have been thru natural disaster, personal loss, parenting disasters, and realize I am not as young as I want to think I am. 

I remember growing up I told myself that I never wanted to be like to older people, I never wanted to forgo the life force I had. I always believed in mind over matter and if I kept a young attitude I would stay young. Well my attitude may still be young but my body not so much. I accept that my body may not keep up as well, but I do not stop trying.

I start my first class in nearly 10 years, I have made a goal. By the time my children graduate high school I would like to also finally have achieved a college degree. I have set the goal, and I will succeed. That is the way I work, I make my mind to do something it will get done. Do I really need the college degree, well I have made it this far and been able to barely support myself. Probably not, I want my children to learn what was inherent to me. You can do whatever you set your mind to do. I also am challenging my own belief system, will that piece of paper make a difference in my income (but my kids do not know about this part).  


another reason why not to date within ones social circle

Published July 7, 2013 by emotionless brain

I have this friend who after her divorce experienced what she calls the “divorce crazies”, I call it “sewing oats”. For the longest time she did not understand how or why I did not go through the same experience or desire after getting out of a loveless marriage (I still think she does not understand why I did not). I introduced this girlie friend to another girlie friend who is a midst a divorce from a loveless, semi abusive marriage. This third friend apparently is also experiencing “divorce crazies”. The three of us live in different extensions of a Jewish community in the same metropolis, and our kids while different ages all go to the same school. Before I moved here a few years ago I do not think there were many if any single parent/divorced families within the community. Now there are a number of us.

I learned after my divorce actually I identified it when my first friend started her divorce process that wimmin bond with each other through experiences, marriage, childbirth, death, and not last and definitely not least divorce. I told each of my friends while each divorce is different, the emotional roller coaster is the same. Pain, anger, pain, humiliation, pain, anger, resentment, anger, elation, pain, anger, grief, embarrassment, and so on and so on. It is how and what we do with these experiences that makes a difference in who and how we survive.  My divorce experience sadly came on the heels of my fathers death, which I knew I had to grieve for since I never got to grieve after my mothers death five years prior. Life was never going to get better if I did not start dealing with things. Now to boot I had two small children to raise without family or family support. I needed to create my own surrogate “family”, I knew at this point whatever men friends I may have had (that my then husband had not driven off) were not going to fulfill my needs (I will explain in a moment), I sort of grew up that moment and realized it was time to seek out the wimmin and get to healing. The reference to “needs” is not about physical, or sexual, it is about emotional, mental, spiritual, and then I had an “ah ha” moment: part of the irreconcilable differences in my marriage was the lack of spirituality, and growth. That was solidified when I spent some time in an Orthodox community and learned about niddah נִדָּה, and how in an orthodox marriage a man and woman do not ever express PDA, to preserve privacy and respect. (google niddah נִדָּה to understand it if you do not already know).

Sorry squirrel moment, the multiple reasons why I did not and will not go through “divorce crazies” is because I took my time to “play” when I was younger, before married life. To be honest now “playing the field” really has no interest of desire to me. Between raising two children (one with behavioral issues) and working, who has energy, time, or finances?

A few weeks ago I was introduced to a friends friend (yes Mr.S), he is the friend of one of my girlies (no they never dated) and have known each other since elementary school (but did not really become close until the past few years during his and hers divorces). My girlie friend always spoke highly of Mr, S, and always enjoyed their time they spent together. Now since he and I connected (for a brief week) and have clearly disconnected (because he has not called since he went on vacation with his kids over a week ago), she is unhappy with him, and will mistakenly read him the riot act when she does communicate with him again. I say mistakenly not because I am defending him, but because there were two people involved (it takes two to tango) neither of the two are innocent to the outcome. BTW I chose not to let the experience become negative for me, I was thoroughly intoxicated by him (which does not happen easily or lightly for me) and  enjoyed every moment. I took the potentially negative outcome and made it positive, I have become motivated again, a body in motion stays in motion and after my father passed I sat down and stopped moving. I do not think it appropriate to “give all the credit” to Mr. S for motivating me to move again. Again it takes two to tango, I chose to make this the event that but me back in motion and in command of my life as opposed to “just living it”. Please do not be unhappy or angry with Mr.S, he is a good person and gentle man, and a gentleman, instead consider changing yourself through my experience, I know you are happy for me to be moving in a positive direction, let that be your focus, not how or what he did wrong. I am not wounded in any way, in fact I am somewhat liberated by the experience (liberation can be a good thing is focused in a positive direction), this is not the same as your experience with CG, it is quite different.

The jest of what I am trying to say is if you date from within your personal social circle, or hook up with friends of friends, be prepared for any outcome, the good, the bad, and all else. Consider before how and what you will handle any possible outcome, while it is a mitzvah to introduce people in search of their “beshert”, the loss of one or more friends may not be worth it.

Life is good, my kids are home from camp, exhausted and happy. Feathers are sleeping, furbabies are sleeping, I am hitting the hay too. Cheers!!!!! I know that some day I will find my “beshert”, I have faith. Until then it is all just lessons preparing me for when that time comes.

frustrated at my new job

Published June 20, 2013 by emotionless brain

20 years ago I would have walked by now. I am not afraid of work, in fact I prefer to stay busy and not by duplicating tasks. I prefer to improve work flows to allow for better patient care. After all it is the patients that allow for my paycheck. Work is not about me, or my social life, or fashion.

I cannot very well up ans tell the MD my opinion (yes opinions are like butts everyone has one that expresses). Today I was looking for a pt chart (because the insurance requested office notes), the MD asked to see the insurance request and asked me to explain my interpretation of the request. Why is she micromanaging my tasks? She hired me because I have skills (verified and validated by three previous employers when she called my references). Then I was looking for another chart, that cannot be found anywhere by anyone she advised me not to worry about it, that it would show up eventually. I explained I was not stressing over it, everyone else was, I was just trying to help and being a team member by also trying to look.

I do not understand why she invested in EHR set up and insists on using paper charts (of which she keeps every single piece of paper for ever, and insists that charts with multiple volumes are kept together and accessible. I think it might be ok to whittle the charts down, for starters superbills/charge tickets do not really belong in the “MEDICAL CHART“, and only keeping say the past year or two of test results is industry standard (not 10 years worth). What is the purpose of keeping every single paper that comes in the envelope with an EOB and or check? you can reduce space occupancy of files if you dispose of the blank papers, and the extraneous pages that are irrelevant to the payment. Just my two cents (maybe more).

Now as to the other personnel,  massive room for improvement. My only comment here is if PATIENT CARE is not what you like, then get another job.

Life is good, I am employed and Baruch Hashem for that. As to the rest, well I guess this will be a true test to my maturity skills, and my tolerance skills.

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Down then back up again

Published February 21, 2013 by emotionless brain

This morning I was feeling so defeated, I conversed with a friend on my way to work and she helped validate me and reminded me of my own strength and ability that I walked into my office with my head high and did not allow anyone to see how upset I was about all the crap and misbehavior’s. I was on pins and needles awaiting one of the bosses to say something about Ms. Thing raising her voice again yesterday, like always nothing. Not even an apology, admittedly I have probably made a few snide comments (it is in my nature) but I wear big girl panties I dish it and I take it.

Then came the email from one of the bosses informing me that it was expected for me to train Ms. Thing, because she who boo hoos’ the loudest and speaks the most incorrect english will always win the sympathy game. I replied that I was unable to perform as requested due to a hostile environment (oh and by the way I have already shown her how to do what she is asking to be shown to do again, and she has the notes to prove it and I have a witness) and it is evident that there is nothing I can do to appease Ms. Thing.

She has now taken to lying on me, today someone asked her if she still had the headset for the new phone system, she loudly replied “no, I lent it to Ms. M and SHE NEVER RETURNED IT“. Not factual girlie!!! You could not get it to work, or it wasn’t simple enough for you to use, so you gave it to me to figure out (not rocket science) when I did you did not want it anymore (such a material girl) so I left it with Little Brother.

Then the boss sends an email to both of us and another boss stating that we will sit down together and she will be trained by me (why force a volatile situation into a closed space?). I waited a few hours after her nicey nice thank you to the bosses direct order for me to train her, and replied with three different time slots tomorrow that I am available to avail myself to hold her hand again and show her again how to do her job that she should already know how to do (we have been in this system for a year now). I cc’ed all the bosses, I also reminded her to bring her notes from previous trainings and any questions she may have about how to operate in the system, we will see tomorrow what fur will fly and what fur will go unscathed. Question to self, do I be myself? or do I fake it till I make it? To be myself she will have to yet again learn that if you dish something you have to be able to take it (I can provoke without someone even knowing it), ask a stupid question and you get a stupid answer.

Why does this bother me? Should it bother me? Historically I have not had the control, maturity, experience, and finesse to handle these types of situations unscathed (yes I usually was the one being fired). I guess I growed up some, and learned some lessons.


Does it matter…

Published February 20, 2013 by emotionless brain

That my dear is the unanswerable question (depending on the situation). Sometimes yes it does matter, and it should not. Sometimes it does not matter and it should.

So a couple days ago I accidently saw an email on a coworkers desk top (completely accidental) of a very over sized robustly rotund man and it said “Ms M’s next husband” (I am Ms. M). First I in no way shape or form have any plans, or notions to get married again, tried it once rode that bull, and have decided probably not a good fit for me. Second, I do not discuss my personal life (especially not relationships) at work I do talk about my kids but that is it. But to ridicule someone (the robustly rotund man) for their size, and what was the correlation to me? I am 5’5″ 125lbs, a little background here this particular individual has from day one (when I hired her) had an attitude problem with me, she has on more than one occasion verbally attacked me (yes yelled and shouted in the middle of the office), unprovoked by me (and I know how to provoke, tee hee), In fact today she took to raising her voice a few notches because (I am no longer her supervisor, there is a god) I do not operate to her desires and schedule. I sat at my desk listening to her rant and rage about how she allegedly has been asking for MONTHS to be shown how to do something in the system (that she chose not to learn when everyone else was learning because “she did not like the system”). She only asked me about three weeks ago, and I told her that I needed to get ahead of another project before I would be able to devote time to re-train her, and last week I tried to show her how to do one of the tasks, she took notes and very quickly dismissed me from her space claiming she understood how to perform the task. Today she boo-hooed to the owner that I only spent a minute or two showing her “one little thing”, she needs “SOME REAL TRAINING”.

Does it matter? Should it matter?


Note to self update resume and put it out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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