I was having a conversation with my 12yo daughter yesterday, nothing specific just enjoying the last weekend of girl time before her brother comes home from school. I showed her a picture of a pair of sandals I saw and liked (she follows my style in dress somewhat). She asked why I did not get them, my response was “well I do not NEED them, they were not on sale, and when do I ever “spend” on myself?”
I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.
I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.
After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.
I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.
You guessed it, when I go silent I am deep in thought.
a few months ago my daughter was enveloped into a family that I thought the mom and I were mature adult friends. They were helping me by sharing after school child care, as well as many other things, our daughters have gone to school together for nearly five years. About a month ago my daughter was invited by this other family to spend Halloween with them, to go trick or treating, and whatever else the plans were. Wednesday the mom “uninvited” my daughter for Halloween, yes the day before. In my book this is a “bitch move”, and personal. I was challenged to consider it differently, and I have examined the scenario from every angle possible. I still can not see it as anything else but, I have considered that the family’s plans changed, they were told they could not bring a +1, and I still can not for the life of me understand why my daughter was just uninvited, no explanation, no excuse, nothing just told she was no longer invited.
Add insult to injury I get a text from this person at 2100 on Thursday evening stating effective immediately she would no longer transport my child to the after school activity that is five blocks from her house on Fridays. Yet another “bitch” move, no notice, no discussion, nothing. I have lost all regard and respect for this individual. I thought she was a friend, I have stood by her thru very grueling times during the beginning of her divorce when her husband was having her followed, and spied on. Nor did I judge her when she came clean about her extra-marital affair before her divorce. Nor have I judged her since in all of her insane “divorce crazies”. Yet she can not show me common courtesy or civility because she is or was sleeping with/dating a man I used to date. Seriously?
I guess this gives her power, reality check babe; you are enjoying my sloppy seconds.
Do not fuck with me or my daughter again or there will be some very ugly words. I do not appreciate your behavior and I am at my limit.
Tis the season for simchas, we are in a two month stretch of have bar and bat mitzvahs nearly every weekend. The one last weekend I did not attend (it was made clear I was not an invitee by the inviter). This weekend I am going, it is someone who has been supportive of me and a friend throughout my five years in this orthodox community (no, I am not orthodox I am reform). Her son will step up to his right of passage today, there will be a tear in my eye for her and her beloved first born.
The facade is my making an appearance in a shul I have not attended in three years. I will see people that I like and dislike, know and do not know. Am I duplicitous attending? I think so, I am attending to celebrate and support my friend and her son, after all they do not offend me as others in the crowd have. To make duplicity worse I stopped attending this shul because I did not find any spirituality there, and my own son’s Bar Mitzvah will be held there (for convenience sake, his friends are orthodox).
Thank you my muse for helping me to feel more comfortable in my own skin this week, I needs it bad today!!!! All will be well, it always is, I look my best (always do), I have nothing to hide or prove, this is not about me. I will be able to look them in the eye with my head high my back straight and confidence in my voice. They can all look at me and wonder…
My summer started normal, then took turn in a new direction, then went back to normal. The experiences I have had were a mix of good and not so good (I dare not say bad because without life’s experiences we would not learn and grow). I am still in a limbo state in regards to my experiences.
I met someone who opened something in me I did not know existed, as my girlie put it; I thought and I projected the image of being impervious, as my blog name describes, devoid of most emotion. I became this way out of a sense of necessity to protect my inner self. I became like this at a very early age, I actually remember the moment vividly when I made the decision “to “feel” was problematic”. As I grew so did my desire not to be emotional, I saw people around me hurting, and being hurt. I did not want that experience for myself. This was more than just about the way my parents were destructive to each other, I also saw the way people I did not even know be angry and hurt. I closed my heart and cut the ties between my heart and my head.
I was married once, and I now realize while I cared for him before and during the marriage, I did not “love” him with my heart soul and existence. I knew once I became pregnant with my first child I would have to open my heart, and I did. Then ca,e my second child, and my heart opened up a little more and a little differently (my first born was a son, my second was a daughter). My children have become my heartbeat and existence. I have regrets for having married someone I now realize I actually did not love, it was unfair to him, I do not regret the two amazing and beautiful creatures that came of the marriage.
This summer when I met this person, it completely took me by surprise, I have always been adventuresome, and love a challenge. Sadly the playing fields were not even/level in any way shape or form, you see he knew about the “rules“, I did not until mid way into things, by then it was too late all the rules had been broken. Somehow I morphed into an amazing creature of radiance, compassion, patience, emotions, I was so high on life I never knew I alone could feel so good. The endorphin’s in my brain were like no other, I am not inexperienced in tinkering with my endorphin’s. I want that creature back, I liked myself like that, other people liked me too. I do not regret the experience, what I regret is I feel manipulated and use, and that the other person will not grow or learn from the experience. Why you ask? Because they are unable or unwilling to face their demons, and they unilaterally decided to lump in their demon category. The way they did not end things was by just stopping communicating with me. I have since had a two minute conversation with them that someone else forced to happen and they attempted an apology for having “behaved poorly”. Initially I was willing to hear and consider accepting the apology, I have since changed my mind.
A girlie said to me and I have pondered long and hard on this, “I allowed the rules to be broken, thereby allowing myself to be disrespected”. To begin with I had absolutely no idea about the rules, I have since read a few books on the rules, and sort of have a clue about them now, and I will absolutely make a consorted effort to live by them moving forward. What I disagree with is that I allowed myself to be disrespected, absolutely not, he knew about the rules going into things and knew I did not, how because one of our first conversations was about “THE RULES” and I told him I had no idea what he was referencing.
I am still in motion, and will keep that momentum going (the motion has always been about me). I will eventually figure this all out, and decide what to do with it. For now I will go back to being a full time working mother devoted completely to my children. I want my son back home with me, and I want my daughter to stop being a manipulative selfish person. To do this I need all of me focused on them, not on myself or my social desires. This does not mean I will sacrifice myself, just that if I do not get what I want or get to do what I want to do it will just have to be without repercussion or resentment. When we have children we have to become selfless to some degree until such time as the children are able to function without us, then we are able to become self absorbent and self fulfilling.
Life will be good again.
My son suddenly decided last night he wanted to spend the night with me. His sister is at her fathers, I was alone, so he came home. This morning I told him I had lunch plans with a friend (who he knows), he (my son) chose the cuisine Chinese. I notified my friend and got it set up. Shortly there after my son says he has changed his mind he does not want to go.
I ask why, he starts to throw a fit, I try to explain there has to be better or more descriptive communication that him just saying “because I do not feel like it”, after all he is only 12. I then asked what happens at his uncles house when he is told to do something he does not want to do, his reply I have to do it anyway, but Ima I dont have to do this right?”.
I know I have written about this before, but it is really bothering me.
Last weekend my daughter stayed with me and my son went to his fathers (alone). It was a nice change of pace, even though I worried about my son the entire time, and yes I got the expected phone call early Sunday morning to get my son early from his visit. His father was called out to work, and leaving my son with wifeypoo is not good decision making.
So in two weeks the alleged party the kids father is allegedly hosting for my kid’s birthday celebration will occur. My kids were each given three invitations to invite their friends. The first thought I have is why if it is a birthday party for the kids were they only allowed to invite three friends each? The answer I have learned to that question is because wifeypoo has invited all of her family including all of her nieces and nephews that there was not enough space for the kids friends. Apparently wifeypoo’s parents are also footing the bill. The next question that comes to mind is who is the party for wifeypoo’s family or my kid’s birthday? The next thought that comes to mind is what a schmuck their father is to allow wifeypoo to take away his own children’s birthday celebration and make it about her and her family (not even family to the kids) Sorry I do not consider wifeypoo’s cousins, nieces, and nephews “family” to my kids, especially when she continues to estrange my kids from their father. Remember this party was 100% coordinated at their convenience, and is in another town that is a 30 min drive (each way), as if my kids friends parents are going to drive to another town 30 min to drop kids off at a party only to have to turn around and go back a few hours later? just how I want to spend a Sunday driving for two hours (round trip twice) to take my kids to a party being hosted by people I do not know. News flash wifeypoo, my kids lost interest in your party a long time ago, the only reason they are going is to get what ever cheeky gifts they may get, otherwise they would not even make an appearance.
My son has decided he wants me there, fully his choice. Yesterday I get a text from wifeypoo “telling” me how ant what to do regarding the kids for that specific weekend. She will pick both kids up that Friday and return them on Sunday. She does not want me to “have to drive down there” to bring my son on Sunday. I explained to her it is my sons request, and the only way he will attend, he wants me there and would not even discuss attending without me agreeing to take him. Her response was “the kids father will talk to them tonight”. OOOOOO I am shaking in my boots. The phone call came, and typical spineless, sap, could not even control the conversation or change my sons mind (good boy, stand true to what you want and believe).
Oh and one more jab she tried to take was to mention that they know about the party I am planning for my kids, really? Is that supposed to intimidate me? They are my kids, and are allowed to have their own real birthday celebration, not the farse you are trying to present. Especially since I have sole conservatorship, and primary custody, another news flash wifeypoo “my kids, my choice (I will keep the rest of what I want to say to myself no forked tongue here). While you carry the title stepmother, you are not their mother, no matter how much you hate me (still do not know why) you will never replace me, even if I died my kids do not like you no matter how hard you try, or how big the trials and tribulations are between my kids and myself you will never be able to buy or convince my kids to turn against me. I am strong and so are my kids (guess where they get it from).
Yes I am having a real birthday celebration for my kids where they are allowed to invite as many friends I can afford to pay for from my pocket. I will pinch and rub pennies to ensure my kids are provided the celebration they deserve! The day will be focused on the kids and celebrating their birth, after all they are kids, birthdays are important. Sadly I will be limited on gifts due to having to host a somewhat extravagant party. I have decided on a laser tag and arcade venue.
Life is good, everyone fur feathers and kids are waking to a new day!!!!