I was having a conversation with my 12yo daughter yesterday, nothing specific just enjoying the last weekend of girl time before her brother comes home from school. I showed her a picture of a pair of sandals I saw and liked (she follows my style in dress somewhat). She asked why I did not get them, my response was “well I do not NEED them, they were not on sale, and when do I ever “spend” on myself?”
I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.
I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.
After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.
I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.
My kids went to two sessions at camp this summer (two three and a half week sessions) with a five day break in between they came home for. It was a long arduous summer for me for multiple reasons. First I was away from both kids for nearly two months, second my last three paychecks bounced and one of the replacement checks also bounced (that alone has nearly defeated me), third I was unable to take advantage of the time without my kids to do anything for myself.
The biggest news is that after a year of my son living with my half brother two blocks away they (my brother and his wife) unilaterally decided my son was too much for them and they do not want him to return. No transition, no discussion, just he is no longer welcome there. Apparently they got a taste of how difficult my son really is, and honestly they did not see the half of it. They never had to physically restrain the boy (I have had to when he was out of control raging).
So I now am faced to figure out by the seat of my pants how to incorporate my son back into my household. It has been my daughter and I for the past year and yes we have a routine (and are not accustom to having a boy in the house).
What a busy week. Monday was an audit for work. Tuesday was parent teacher conferences in the am, then work. Wednesday another audit for work. Today, I was actually stationary for work at the office, until I learned that tomorrow I have to drive equipment 300 miles one way to another location, and bring back other equipment for my location. Woot woot to me.
I go to the pharmacy to fill my RX and my sons only to learn the ex-husband did not bother to take care of cobra coverage for the kids when he switched employers, and my sons Rx cash out of pocket for two Rx will be about $500. So I called him and inquired, he was cavalier and flippant and non responsive. Typical, he has absolutely no accountability in any of it. It is all someones else s fault, allegedly the previous employer would not send him the COBRA info until after his final employment date (which by the way was close to a week ago), yes he knows he is violation of the divorce decree, but it’s not his fault. Not like he has to live with the child ever much less not on his ADD medication. Not like he will be the one getting the call form the school when the child is in trouble because he does not have his Rx. Oh but he loves his kids and would do anything for them, so long as it is convenient for he and his bigot wife and does not require them to spend one extra dime of their hard earned money on anyone but them selves and her son that lives with them. Ten minutes later I get a text from him or his wife I do not know, asking for the pharmacy address stating he would go and get the Rx tomorrow when he picks up my daughter for her visit (the boy only goes when there is nothing better to do around home). We will see what comes to fruition tomorrow, I am confident that he will not spend the $500 it will take to get the Rx, which I know if he gets the insurance retro activated will reimburse for the meds minus the copay. I do not have the money to put out, and for once it is time for him to sacrifice if need be for the good of his child, and fight to get his own money back instead of me.
Hum, let me analyze for a moment, am I angry here? Hum, not really angry more frustrated and aggravated with the stupidity of it all. But definitely not angry. I expect stupidity from my ex-husband, he is after all my ex (judge me not for the company I used to keep) ha ha ha
This was a good week to commiserate with my girlie about stupid ex-husbands, her son’s Bar Mitzvah is impending, and unlike mine her ex is Jewish and has decided that he will allow her father (who pays for most of the kids necessities) and one of her two brothers but not her sisters husband an aliyah but at number five and seven after all of his extended family. For me, the ex is not Jewish and therefore would not be invited or welcomed to accept an aliyah or even stand on the pulpit. So who is there to stand up for my son, I guess it will have to be his uncles (who are not my biggest advocates), I can live with the cards that have been dealt to me. I know for certain there will be at least two maybe all three if I am lucky of my half brothers to accept aliyah’s at my son’s bar mitzvah.
I have a tender spot in my heart about all of this for my girlie, she has yet to learn to live with the cards dealt, she claims not to “waste time/energy/or emotions” on anything regarding her ex; but I see and hear thru her words. Out of care for her when she calls me to kvetch about her ex, or what he has done I listen, never judging, or having an opinion about any of it. But in doing that I am unable to validate her in any way either, sadly. Do not get me wrong, I have my thoughts about things, I just do not tell her. When she talks to me about such things she is not looking for my opinion on things, more just a safe place to vent and sort.
I am still in motion, but have not been able to make it to the gym in three weeks now argh. Feathers are sleeping, furbabies are dreaming about tail wags and bones, my daughter is fast asleep (especially tired this eve), I am off to the land of ZZZZzzzzz.
You guessed it, when I go silent I am deep in thought.
a few months ago my daughter was enveloped into a family that I thought the mom and I were mature adult friends. They were helping me by sharing after school child care, as well as many other things, our daughters have gone to school together for nearly five years. About a month ago my daughter was invited by this other family to spend Halloween with them, to go trick or treating, and whatever else the plans were. Wednesday the mom “uninvited” my daughter for Halloween, yes the day before. In my book this is a “bitch move”, and personal. I was challenged to consider it differently, and I have examined the scenario from every angle possible. I still can not see it as anything else but, I have considered that the family’s plans changed, they were told they could not bring a +1, and I still can not for the life of me understand why my daughter was just uninvited, no explanation, no excuse, nothing just told she was no longer invited.
Add insult to injury I get a text from this person at 2100 on Thursday evening stating effective immediately she would no longer transport my child to the after school activity that is five blocks from her house on Fridays. Yet another “bitch” move, no notice, no discussion, nothing. I have lost all regard and respect for this individual. I thought she was a friend, I have stood by her thru very grueling times during the beginning of her divorce when her husband was having her followed, and spied on. Nor did I judge her when she came clean about her extra-marital affair before her divorce. Nor have I judged her since in all of her insane “divorce crazies”. Yet she can not show me common courtesy or civility because she is or was sleeping with/dating a man I used to date. Seriously?
I guess this gives her power, reality check babe; you are enjoying my sloppy seconds.
Do not fuck with me or my daughter again or there will be some very ugly words. I do not appreciate your behavior and I am at my limit.
Yesterday I went to our old shul and attended a Bar Mitzvah service that was very nice. I also attended the luncheon afterwards. The Bar Mitzvah boy is a friend of my son, and his parents have been warm, friendly, and receptive to me from day one. Unlike some of the other families in this hypocritical modern orthodox neighborhood.
It intrigues me why when people ask what is different about me, I tell them nothing, they insist yes there is. Would you like me to just come out and say it? No I have not lost weight, yes I did straighten my hair, no I did not change the coulour (it is coloured to cover the grey), alright already I am finally comfortable in my own skin, and I am wearing clothes that fit and accentuate my body. I never leave my house without looking my best, I learned how to wear clothes five sizes too big and make them look good, not frumpy flabby, in fact no one could even tell I was hiding in my clothes it was that natural in appearance. Now I am wearing fitted clothes, and you can see that I am girl for starters, and that I have curves. No I am not dressing sexy for shul, but when clothes fit correctly you can see the body shape.
What else is different about me? I do not know apparently something because they all acted like they barely recognized me and it had been an eternity since anyone had seen me. I have always held my head up, but now it is more than just my head, I am stronger and much more confident. Perhaps that is what presents differently, the confidence. Just wait until my son’s simcha, most of these people have sat in judgement on me (never having walked a day in my life) making me feel like a leper, an undesirable. Humpf, I have news for all of ya’ll, it takes a village to raise a child, I rarely asked for help even when things were out of control, there were a few that stepped up and helped unconditionally (I declined help with conditions), so bite me this is my day to bask with my son. When it is my turn to stand up with my son (his father is neither Jewish or interested in participating) I will find strength in the knowledge that when I answer to my maker it will be with a clean conscious, and that my Judaism comes from within, not false pretenses or fake airs.
Feathers are asleep, furbabies are asleep, my daughter is fast asleep, my son does not live with me so I do not know what he is doing. I am still in motion, and some day life will be good again (I promise).
Tis the season for simchas, we are in a two month stretch of have bar and bat mitzvahs nearly every weekend. The one last weekend I did not attend (it was made clear I was not an invitee by the inviter). This weekend I am going, it is someone who has been supportive of me and a friend throughout my five years in this orthodox community (no, I am not orthodox I am reform). Her son will step up to his right of passage today, there will be a tear in my eye for her and her beloved first born.
The facade is my making an appearance in a shul I have not attended in three years. I will see people that I like and dislike, know and do not know. Am I duplicitous attending? I think so, I am attending to celebrate and support my friend and her son, after all they do not offend me as others in the crowd have. To make duplicity worse I stopped attending this shul because I did not find any spirituality there, and my own son’s Bar Mitzvah will be held there (for convenience sake, his friends are orthodox).
Thank you my muse for helping me to feel more comfortable in my own skin this week, I needs it bad today!!!! All will be well, it always is, I look my best (always do), I have nothing to hide or prove, this is not about me. I will be able to look them in the eye with my head high my back straight and confidence in my voice. They can all look at me and wonder…