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a conversation with my 15yo son

Published June 3, 2016 by emotionless brain

I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.

I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of  judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.

After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.

I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.



Published July 10, 2013 by emotionless brain

I have published 175 posts, and have 111 followers. When I started this “therapy” back in November on a whim I never imagined it would grow into something tangible. I was merely trying something new to help myself, who knew I had something so interesting to say. My parents would be proud, that thought alone provides an amazing amount of comfort (both of my parents are gone), and while there is one person out there still alive that I put in the parental category(she was my foster mom in high school) and I love her truly, I am and always have been devoted to my biological parents. Which is another topic for another day.

Folks you have given me validation, and resolve to continue with this, I hope it will develop into more than “just therapeutic ramblings”.  We shall see, and only time can tell.

On a different note, Mr. S and I have been talking, we actually have plans to get together Friday night. I have already coordinated sleep overs for my kids, and are trying to figure out something different and fun for us to do, what do people do on dates without having to go to a bar? I looked for a festival and was unsuccessful, what else is there? Yeah I know there is always movies, how do you get to know someone sitting in a movie? Of course you hold hands, and it feels good, physical contact usually does. It gets those endorphin’s going, and as much as I am a junkie for endorphin’s/adrenalin, it is not a healthy way to base a relationship. Been there, done that, rode that bull, never want to do it again.

I am sitting here at this wee hour, having more epiphanies, that is excellent I will have more to write about when I formulate my thoughts. I am excited, hold on to your seats.

Life is good, fathers are waking up, furbabies have been outside and are back asleep, kids will be awake momentarily, I am still in motion, and are feeling good. Especially excited about seeing Mr. S (not soon enough). Oh yeah and I am still employed (and I have something to say about that later)

another reason why not to date within ones social circle

Published July 7, 2013 by emotionless brain

I have this friend who after her divorce experienced what she calls the “divorce crazies”, I call it “sewing oats”. For the longest time she did not understand how or why I did not go through the same experience or desire after getting out of a loveless marriage (I still think she does not understand why I did not). I introduced this girlie friend to another girlie friend who is a midst a divorce from a loveless, semi abusive marriage. This third friend apparently is also experiencing “divorce crazies”. The three of us live in different extensions of a Jewish community in the same metropolis, and our kids while different ages all go to the same school. Before I moved here a few years ago I do not think there were many if any single parent/divorced families within the community. Now there are a number of us.

I learned after my divorce actually I identified it when my first friend started her divorce process that wimmin bond with each other through experiences, marriage, childbirth, death, and not last and definitely not least divorce. I told each of my friends while each divorce is different, the emotional roller coaster is the same. Pain, anger, pain, humiliation, pain, anger, resentment, anger, elation, pain, anger, grief, embarrassment, and so on and so on. It is how and what we do with these experiences that makes a difference in who and how we survive.  My divorce experience sadly came on the heels of my fathers death, which I knew I had to grieve for since I never got to grieve after my mothers death five years prior. Life was never going to get better if I did not start dealing with things. Now to boot I had two small children to raise without family or family support. I needed to create my own surrogate “family”, I knew at this point whatever men friends I may have had (that my then husband had not driven off) were not going to fulfill my needs (I will explain in a moment), I sort of grew up that moment and realized it was time to seek out the wimmin and get to healing. The reference to “needs” is not about physical, or sexual, it is about emotional, mental, spiritual, and then I had an “ah ha” moment: part of the irreconcilable differences in my marriage was the lack of spirituality, and growth. That was solidified when I spent some time in an Orthodox community and learned about niddah נִדָּה, and how in an orthodox marriage a man and woman do not ever express PDA, to preserve privacy and respect. (google niddah נִדָּה to understand it if you do not already know).

Sorry squirrel moment, the multiple reasons why I did not and will not go through “divorce crazies” is because I took my time to “play” when I was younger, before married life. To be honest now “playing the field” really has no interest of desire to me. Between raising two children (one with behavioral issues) and working, who has energy, time, or finances?

A few weeks ago I was introduced to a friends friend (yes Mr.S), he is the friend of one of my girlies (no they never dated) and have known each other since elementary school (but did not really become close until the past few years during his and hers divorces). My girlie friend always spoke highly of Mr, S, and always enjoyed their time they spent together. Now since he and I connected (for a brief week) and have clearly disconnected (because he has not called since he went on vacation with his kids over a week ago), she is unhappy with him, and will mistakenly read him the riot act when she does communicate with him again. I say mistakenly not because I am defending him, but because there were two people involved (it takes two to tango) neither of the two are innocent to the outcome. BTW I chose not to let the experience become negative for me, I was thoroughly intoxicated by him (which does not happen easily or lightly for me) and  enjoyed every moment. I took the potentially negative outcome and made it positive, I have become motivated again, a body in motion stays in motion and after my father passed I sat down and stopped moving. I do not think it appropriate to “give all the credit” to Mr. S for motivating me to move again. Again it takes two to tango, I chose to make this the event that but me back in motion and in command of my life as opposed to “just living it”. Please do not be unhappy or angry with Mr.S, he is a good person and gentle man, and a gentleman, instead consider changing yourself through my experience, I know you are happy for me to be moving in a positive direction, let that be your focus, not how or what he did wrong. I am not wounded in any way, in fact I am somewhat liberated by the experience (liberation can be a good thing is focused in a positive direction), this is not the same as your experience with CG, it is quite different.

The jest of what I am trying to say is if you date from within your personal social circle, or hook up with friends of friends, be prepared for any outcome, the good, the bad, and all else. Consider before how and what you will handle any possible outcome, while it is a mitzvah to introduce people in search of their “beshert”, the loss of one or more friends may not be worth it.

Life is good, my kids are home from camp, exhausted and happy. Feathers are sleeping, furbabies are sleeping, I am hitting the hay too. Cheers!!!!! I know that some day I will find my “beshert”, I have faith. Until then it is all just lessons preparing me for when that time comes.

first two days

Published June 12, 2013 by emotionless brain

At my new job have been booring, nothing but problems. Apparently a previous employee was untrustworthy and so they have all the computers locked down (I cannot access much of anything on the internet). There are problems in the network, the billing system is in disaster state.

I have always loved a challenge, but I am not being introduced as a manager, so I am a little perplexed. The IT guy is expected today so hopefully we will drill down the network problem and be able to move forward.

You ask with all this why am I bored? Because I am not being given all the autonomy I need to be effective, I get the owner was burned by the previous person, but I cannot fix problems and do what I do best without certain autonomy. We will see what happens.

My son is still at home (woot woot), I take the kids to camp tomorrow for a month. I will be able to better focus on work. A previous employer has reached out to me to spend a few hours a week cleaning up their system too, might be able to make some extra money this summer first time in years I am looking forward to it.

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I was flabbergasted today when…

Published June 3, 2013 by emotionless brain

A previous employee got downright ugly to me in a text message. She tested inquiring about something, when I responded she snapped back at me. I told her I am not her enemy, and it is not right to begrudge me because I did something I was told to do by my employer that irked her. After she was let go I was told to move to her desk, I did not ask to nor did I really want to. She took offense. I never imagined her such an angry person.

I try to tread lightly, I try to be aware of people and their feelings. I never maliciously say anything, I never judge anyone, just not in my nature. I am a true lover not a fighter. Do not get me wrong I am not a push over or a wimp, I can turn bitch in zero flat, but it has to be triggered. I try not to carry a chip on my shoulder (had enough of that in younger years).

Some day it will come back to me (I have love in my dream)…

Life is good, furbabies are dreaming about chewies, feathers are full bellied (I made an amazing chop this am with papaya, strawberries, lentils, pasta, chicken, zuccini, watermelon, red grapes, cereal). I headed to the land of zzzzzzzzzz.

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I am exhausted beyond words

Published April 22, 2013 by emotionless brain

Fri night both kids stayed home with me because their father decided his social life took priority over his visitation with his children. Saturday morning my daughter had a 0945 soccer game, I took them to that both kids went home to their fathers from there. I went bowling with some people from work, came home and could not sleep last night. The kids were brought home 30 min early so of course I was not ready. Today we had planned to go shopping, next weekend is a Bar Mitzvah we are attending, and the kids need shul clothes (and to begin shopping for summer camp clothes too). We started a little rough, but I was able to get my son to change his tude from sour to amicable. We were shopping at an “outlet center“, and as soon as my son saw Nike, he lost it. You see he has been begging for the Nike La Bron shoes (allegedly all his friends have them as school). Not that I needed to but I again explained multiple reasons why there would not today or ever be a purchase of $200 shoes for him by me. He has asked other family members to get them for him, he tried for his birthday, they all said the same thing (with out even discussing it with me).

We got home and oh boy the shith hitith the fan. I had to call the police, who claim the only ting they can do is either arrest his and take him in, or “talk to him”. To my son talk is of no use, it never works with him. After they left he still refused to come inside, then began cussing at me saying f. u., and that I did not love him because I called the police on him. I caught him at one point and got him inside, he then opened the window and crawled out. Meanwhile his father began calling pestering me, saying things like “you need to take the belt to him”, “you need to take care of him”, etc, etc. I explained that it is against the law to use corporal punishment (something I learned from CPS in one of the two times they have been called on me) a belt and washing the mouth with soap. Not allowed, my ex-husband does not believe me on this, threatening to drive here to “handle it himself”. What ever, he then called my half-brother (whom I do not speak for many reasons)and boo-hooed to him in an attempt to solicit his assistance (another testament to the fact that he does not know how to handle the child). I had to threaten my ex that if he ever calls my brother again or tries to solicit their assistance with my children I will pack the kids up move and he will never see them again. I was livid at this point. You see I have joint custody, but 100% custodianship, meaning that I alone without any discussion make the decision where my children will live (so if I wanted to move to another country I can, let me have this fantasy please).

Having raised this child for 12 years I know him better than he knows himself. When he gets like this the only thing you can do is be more patient than he is, he does not have much stamina and will wear down quickly (especially if he has not eaten in the past three hours). This was at 1830, I knew it was one hour before bed time, he has not eating since lunch time, and would not last much longer. My ex kept calling yelling at me to take care of the child, I kept trying to explain to the intelligent, thought processed, supportive father of the year that I was taking care of the child. The boy goes out in the front yard and plays by himself all the time, just because he is out there now angry being a shit I do not need to sit out there and pester him. Give the boy some space to breathe, is there any question why the boy suffocates when he goes to visit his father. I was preparing dinner, doing my Sunday evening chores, and also taking care of my daughter. I cannot abandon her to go chase the boy. He knows where his belongs, and will come back when he is ready.

Sure enough when the sun went down, hunger, thirst, and exhaustion took over, he was banging on the door to come in full of tears and fake apologies. I sent him to take a hot bath, after he ate his dinner, and then to bed. This rage was triggered by a few different things, in no specific order 1. he spent the night at his fathers, 2. he has “standardized testing” this week and is incredibly apprehensive about it, 3. he did not get his way about the Nike La Bron shoes.

Hopefully tomorrow will start a new day, and leave this one and all its trauma behind. I am tired, words are running together.


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a story

Published April 5, 2013 by emotionless brain

SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $100 an hour.”
SON: “Oh! (With his head down).
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $50?”
The father was furious.
DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

DAD: “Are you asleep, son?”

SON: “No daddy, I’m awake”.
DAD: “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $50 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: “Oh, thank you daddy!”
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: “Why do you want more money if you already have some?”

SON: “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do.

“Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Some things are more important.

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