I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.
I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.
After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.
I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.
Tis the season for simchas, we are in a two month stretch of have bar and bat mitzvahs nearly every weekend. The one last weekend I did not attend (it was made clear I was not an invitee by the inviter). This weekend I am going, it is someone who has been supportive of me and a friend throughout my five years in this orthodox community (no, I am not orthodox I am reform). Her son will step up to his right of passage today, there will be a tear in my eye for her and her beloved first born.
The facade is my making an appearance in a shul I have not attended in three years. I will see people that I like and dislike, know and do not know. Am I duplicitous attending? I think so, I am attending to celebrate and support my friend and her son, after all they do not offend me as others in the crowd have. To make duplicity worse I stopped attending this shul because I did not find any spirituality there, and my own son’s Bar Mitzvah will be held there (for convenience sake, his friends are orthodox).
Thank you my muse for helping me to feel more comfortable in my own skin this week, I needs it bad today!!!! All will be well, it always is, I look my best (always do), I have nothing to hide or prove, this is not about me. I will be able to look them in the eye with my head high my back straight and confidence in my voice. They can all look at me and wonder…
I only have three more days (including today) at this job, I am ready to count the hours. Fortunately today I will be out most of the day I have meetings at my previous employer. I finally was able to hire someone to replace me (I agreed to before I resigned), and need to introduce them and start getting them orientated. So today and this weekend I will be training (Mr.S is with his kids, and my kids are otherwise occupied).
I finally finished the book “not your mothers rules of dating”, it is fantastic reading so much that I have already purchased additional books by the author for my trip next week for training. I have been able to take parts of this book and apply it to my life already, not just in dating but in general. Bottom line sip life slowly, and you will reap the rewards.
I will be going out of town for the week for training, the new company has a crammed packed schedule for me it appears they are putting about a month of training into one week. I am excited and nervous at the same time. My kids will be staying with friends, I will be paying a high schooler to help my kids take care of the animals (they will be staying two blocks away), what else am I missing? I will pack Saturday/Sunday, get a pedicure, I already purchased dog food, and produce, I cannot mow my grass the lawn mower crapped out and there are none available around me (seriously I went to Lowes and HD last weekend only the $500 models on the shelf). So I will have to pay someone to mow for me, not happy about that but for once I will not have to go out there and do it myself.
I have not spoken to Mr.S (I was not expecting to) while I do not like it I understand it. He has not seen his kids for nearly a month (and not really spoken to them either because the mom wont let him), he needs his dad time. It is taking every ounce of energy not to reach out to him, I did send him a smiley face text yesterday mid morning to which he immediately replied. We texted a little he is happy to be back in dad mode, he is a rare breed that likes playing dad vs not. His kids have no idea how lucky they are, my kids would not know their father if it were not for court appointed visits. before I began enforcing them my ex would only call at holiday time to try to see the kids and at that it was to take them to his parents house. This is not about bashing my ex, sorry. I fully expect (and yes I know I am setting myself up for disappointment, but at least my eyes are open to it) to hear form and see Mr.S before I go out of town for training. Mr. S knows I will be leaving town for about a week, not all the details.
Alright, off to prepare for another day. Life is good, I am tired and are feeling my cup s l o w l y emptying and without knowing when I will see Mr.S to refill it are getting a little anxious. I know how to manage without Mr.S (I have been single for four and a half years since my divorce), but it sure has been nicer and easier since he began filling my cup for me. I like it better with him than without (I am still keeping things compartmentalized to protect myself, a blog for another day)
That I am reading a very interesting book. The title is
“Not your mother’s RULES, the new secrets for dating”. It is written by women for women but guys you could benefit from reading it too. I am still reading, I will let you know when I am done, it is a gripper.
Life is good, I am employed, my kids come home tomorrow, feathers are great, furbabies are happy, I am still in motion.