in a difficult spot

Yet another reason I prefer to live under a rock. I have recently heard varying mind sets about how people feel about each other and it bugs the crud out of me. One person says this and then does that, it is very confusing and exhausting.

I am who I am, if there is someone I do not care for they probably know it. I do not judge people, I may have my opinion about them or something they have said or done but rarely share it. It was said to me about a couple of friends by another that “they were thick as thieves”. I took that to indicate that the person making the comment did not particularly care for one or both of these other individuals. Now I find the person who made the comment is all bestie now with both of these other people. Was it an act? seriously we are all adults, we are not in grade school or even high school.

Why do people camouflage like that? Saying what they think you want to hear to fit in with you, and turn around an do the same thing with the next person, never being true to any of it. I despise two faced people, I do not tolerate it at all. The quickest way to yak me is to two face me, after that you do not stand a chance in hell of anything more than common courteousness (only because I am mature enough to know when is appropriate and when it not), I would not even waste my energy avoiding you I will look right thru you if you stood before me.

My head hurts, I do not want to think about any of this anymore. I am tired of it, I would like for us all to go back to the way things were, when we knew less about each other, and liked each other. It seems the more we learn about a person the less we actually like them. Why is that? I am confused if there is chemistry and two people like each other why play games? Unless there is a level of immaturity on one or both parts, can someone fake chemistry? Can something not real seem so real on an emotional level?

I am going to bed, my head hurts (I know I already said that). Feathers are good, furbabies are snoring away, my daughter is fast asleep, do not know about my son (at the moment angry at him, do not want to know), horizontal position is calling my name “emotionless brain” come rest a while.

what made me angry

I am angry because I do not like it when people pussyfoot around what they project shoulda coulda woulda be another persons problem. Seriously, I was discarded worse than a piece of refuse, I was used and cast out like a leper. I am hurt for a number of reasons:

To begin with I allowed myself to be used. Shame on me, clearly my judgement was clouded and I misjudged another person (or people). I trusted another persons words and temporary actions. I was so caught up in “enjoying the moment” I lost sight of the bigger picture and the future. I am still in awe of myself how that happened (never happened before, nor will it again). There is a reason I do not trust, people in general are not trust worthy (pun intended), I have seen people from various different perspectives (does Timothy Leary come to mind), I have spent many many countless hours analyzing, studying, observing people in a variety of settings. There is one common denominator in today’s society, it is the “ME” society.

The other person in this equation is not divorced, and while I do not judge people they have not begun their “divorce crazies” because they are not divorced. One cannot technically have any divorce experience until there is ink to be dry. Sorry Charlie it is the truth. This person I think is a good hearted person, they do not deserve what will happen to them by getting involved with this other person. That makes me angry too, I know exactly what the outcome will be, as does the rest of the world. While the not divorced person carries them self as a pillar of strength, works in a mans wold with a bunch of roughnecks, honey I got news for you. They are not as strong as they think they are, and while the length of their entanglement may or may not exceed what mine was, the ending will not be neat or easy. I worry for both of them (yes even the one who hurt me, they are human and deserve human compassion), why? While I do not have a crystal ball and cannot predict the future, I do know some things.

Why else am I angry? I hate being angry, I get frustrated with myself when I get angry. I spent so much time in my younger years unhappy, angry, miserable. I have a difficult time dealing with when my anger goes below the surface on any issue much less one on such an intimate level as trust and intimacy betrayal.

I am still in motion (yes Dork will do Zumba, Yoga, and Body Pump again soon), and while I cannot honestly say “life is good” today, I can honestly say it will be good again someday. Just because I am hibernating my heart does not mean it will never come out to play again. Only death is forever, and BABY I AM NOT DEAD…………………..

eek there is a mouse in my house

I had to poke fun at my girlie. She texted me 0630 this morning because there was a mousie peeking out from the fake fire place. I was cracking up as  I was getting dressed to go to her house.

I am sure I was not the first person she called, but probably the only one that responded. Her boyfriend who knows, movie guy out of town with his new flavor of the month, that left me. There I was to her rescue, of course the furry critter was long gone before I got there. I sat with her and had tea, she had coffee we chatted (something we have not done much of lately) her kids playing around us.

She calls me fearless (little does she know). Even when I am afraid, I never show it, when I am scared I do not allow anyone to see. I have always confronted my fears head on, when I tried bungee jumping at first I was SCARED, the first time they had to push me off the platform, but by the fifth time I was jumping on my own. That is pretty much how I have dealt with anything I was scared of. Keep doing it until it did not bother me anymore.

My girlie, she does not have the same tenacity to face her fears (I am not saying that in a derogatory tone), she has tenacity she is a consumer debt attorney for the consumer not corporate. That takes some chutzpah, not for the weak minded or faint hearted.

So the mousie was long gone, until tonight, tee hee. She went and got glue boards, and mouse traps and mouse poison, and made the atypical mistake, she put cheese to “entice” the mouse. If you have ever set mouse traps you know a mouse will ignore cheese, nut butter is the best they go crazy for peanut butter. Mousie stuck his little head out again tonight. My girlie is sleeping in her three year old’s room.

I am chuckling with you girlie not at you.

and another day passes

I am not feeling very charming, or like I even have much to say. I will share some of what my day involved, it had its amusing parts.

First thing this morning I had to close the loop on a client issue from yesterday, fortunately I was ahead of the game and was able to protect our employees from the chaotic psychotic lying client (we may pick our friends and maybe some of our family but we cannot choose the clients or their employees). The client said and did one thing to and in front of our employee, then when the truth began unfolding she changed her story. I told the employee “I had her back”, and I meant it. This morning I spoke to my regional manager and was agreed there were faults on both parts, and that our employee was not necessarily in the wrong. I called the employee and reviewed the whole situation and made a suggestion what she might do differently if there is ever a next time. She said she was up all night sweating this, I told her I had it covered, and I meant it. She rambled about why do people play games like that, I responded that everyone answers to their maker some day. So long as she knows in her heart what she does is right, then she is good with her maker. It felt good to be able to support an employee like that.

This afternoon I mistakenly got a call from a client in another territory, none the less I helped them and got them what they needed. That felt good that from another state I was still able to accomplish satisfying a client.

I know time heals all wounds, but does there ever come a time when the wounds stop producing?

thinking thinking thinking

I have been thinking non stop for the past 24 hours, cycling through many different emotions. Some good some healthy, some bad some not healthy. All appropriate considering the bomb that was exploded on my yesterday.

Here is one perspective: I want to crawl under a rock and hide, fuck people and the world they live in. People are disgusting, two faced, liars, cheaters, and useless.

Another perspective: I want to be a total biotch, by being disruptive to the people that betrayed me, and fucking up their alleged utopia.

And another: Do nothing, go on with life.

Clearly the people that have violated me care not for me or my feelings. If they did they would have been mature responsible adults, he by having a discussion with me about not wanting to be involved with me any more (now he hides behind “too much time has passed, I would not know what to say”, puleeze), and her by knowing code. First and foremost you do not date your girlies ex anything, no matter what (unless you ask permission before, not two months into it).

I never wish ill will on anyone, never have no matter how hurt or angry. I truly wish for them to find the Utopia/Shalom Bayet they seek (and if they find it in each other good for them). I do not judge people either, not my nature. So I will keep my comments and opinions to my self about anyone, friend or foe.

I keep hearing “oh there is such a limited selection of single Jewish men”, really? try opening up your horizon, be less rigid on the parameters of what you are willing to explore and try. There are plenty of single Jewish men, with and without degrees and pedigrees. You have to go outside your comfortable small closed circuit to find them, but they exist.

One girlie tells me she has this great guy to set another girlie up with, the other girlie thinks she is not introducing them because she is keeping him possibly for herself. I iterate I do not judge, just because I make comments or speak with emphasis does not equivilate my being judgmental.

One girlie had a long time good friend in town to visit, she introduced him to her girlies. I found him amusing conversation for the evening. She said he was “smitten” by me, seriously how could he not be.  I am 110 lbs of intelligent, amazing, understanding, quirky, fun. For that matter, why wouldn’t any man be taken with me? I do not know, and I do not care.

I took a chance this summer, laid my cards out on the table and got involved, he never “broke it off with me, he just stopped acknowledging my existence. Yes, over night he went dark and stopped talking to me. I found out yesterday he and one of my girlies (whom I have been nothing but supportive thru her prolonged, torturous, separation ( it has been a year and there still is no ink to dry)) have been hooked up in a love fest for over a month.

I am hurt, angry, I feel violated. Please let me heal, and know that while I am quirky in humor I am odd not in humor. What works for me most assuredly would not work for you nor will it make any sense. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change any of the events that have occurred, nor is there anything that will change how I feel. I will work thru this in my own way and in my own time.  Until such time I ask that you not judge me, and be accepting of the choices I make even if you do not agree with them. Know that just because I do not reach out to you does not mean I do not think about you or care about you, it simply means that I am healing.