ahh trials and tribulations

What a busy week. Monday was an audit for work. Tuesday was parent teacher conferences in the am, then work. Wednesday another audit for work. Today, I was actually stationary for work at the office, until I learned that tomorrow I have to drive equipment 300 miles one way to another location, and bring back other equipment for my location. Woot woot to me.

I go to the pharmacy to fill my RX and my sons only to learn the ex-husband did not bother to take care of cobra coverage for the kids when he switched employers, and my sons Rx cash out of pocket for two Rx will be about $500. So I called him and inquired, he was cavalier and flippant and non responsive. Typical, he has absolutely no accountability in any of it. It is all someones else s fault, allegedly the previous employer would not send him the COBRA info until after his final employment date (which by the way was close to a week ago), yes he knows he is violation of the divorce decree, but it’s not his fault. Not like he has to live with the child ever much less not on his ADD medication. Not like he will be the one getting the call form the school when the child is in trouble because he does not have his Rx. Oh but he loves his kids and would do anything for them, so long as it is convenient for he and his bigot wife and does not require them to spend one extra dime of their hard earned money on anyone but them selves and her son that lives with them. Ten minutes later I get a text from him or his wife I do not know, asking for the pharmacy address stating he would go and get the Rx tomorrow when he picks up my daughter for her visit (the boy only goes when there is nothing better to do around home). We will see what comes to fruition tomorrow, I am confident that he will not spend the $500 it will take to get the Rx, which I know if he gets the insurance retro activated will reimburse for the meds minus the copay. I do not have the money to put out, and for once it is time for him to sacrifice if need be for the good of his child, and fight to get his own money back instead of me.

Hum, let me analyze for a moment, am I angry here? Hum, not really angry more frustrated and aggravated with the stupidity of it all. But definitely not angry. I expect stupidity from my ex-husband, he is after all my ex (judge me not for the company I used to keep) ha ha ha

This was a good week to commiserate with my girlie about stupid ex-husbands, her son’s Bar Mitzvah is impending, and unlike mine her ex is Jewish and has decided that he will allow her father (who pays for most of the kids necessities) and one of her two brothers but not her sisters husband an aliyah but at number five and seven after all of his extended family. For me, the ex is not Jewish and therefore would not be invited or welcomed to accept an aliyah or even stand on the pulpit. So who is there to stand up for my son, I guess it will have to be his uncles (who are not my biggest advocates), I can live with the cards that have been dealt to me. I know for certain there will be at least two maybe all three if I am lucky of my half brothers to accept aliyah’s at my son’s bar mitzvah.

I have a tender spot in my heart about all of this for my girlie, she has yet to learn to live with the cards dealt, she claims not to “waste time/energy/or emotions” on anything regarding her ex; but I see and hear thru her words. Out of care for her when she calls me to kvetch about her ex, or what he has done I listen, never judging, or having an opinion about any of it. But in doing that I am unable to validate her in any way either, sadly. Do not get me wrong, I have my thoughts about things, I just do not tell her. When she talks to me about such things she is not looking for my opinion on things, more just a safe place to vent and sort.

I am still in motion, but have not been able to make it to the gym in three weeks now argh. Feathers are sleeping, furbabies are dreaming about tail wags and bones, my daughter is fast asleep (especially tired this eve), I am off to the land of ZZZZzzzzz.

deep in thought

You guessed it, when I go silent I am deep in thought.

a few months ago my daughter was enveloped into a family that I thought the mom and I were mature adult friends. They were helping me by sharing after school child care, as well as many other things, our daughters have gone to school together for nearly five years. About a month ago my daughter was invited by this other family to spend Halloween with them, to go trick or treating, and whatever else the plans were. Wednesday the mom “uninvited” my daughter for Halloween, yes the day before. In my book this is a “bitch move”, and personal. I was challenged to consider it differently, and I have examined the scenario from every angle possible. I still can not see it as anything else but, I have considered that the family’s plans changed, they were told they could not bring a +1, and I still can not for the life of me understand why my daughter was just uninvited, no explanation, no excuse, nothing just told she was no longer invited.

Add insult to injury I get a text from this person at 2100 on Thursday evening stating effective immediately she would no longer transport my child to the after school activity that is five blocks from her house on Fridays. Yet another “bitch” move, no notice, no discussion, nothing. I have lost all regard and respect for this individual. I thought she was a friend, I have stood by her thru very grueling times during the beginning of her divorce when her husband was having her followed, and spied on. Nor did I judge her when she came clean about her extra-marital affair before her divorce. Nor have I judged her since in all of her insane “divorce crazies”. Yet she can not show me common courtesy or civility because she is or was sleeping with/dating a man I used to date. Seriously?

I guess this gives her power, reality check babe; you are enjoying my sloppy seconds.

Do not fuck with me or my daughter again or there will be some very ugly words. I do not appreciate your behavior and I am at my limit.

thinking thinking thinking

I have been thinking non stop for the past 24 hours, cycling through many different emotions. Some good some healthy, some bad some not healthy. All appropriate considering the bomb that was exploded on my yesterday.

Here is one perspective: I want to crawl under a rock and hide, fuck people and the world they live in. People are disgusting, two faced, liars, cheaters, and useless.

Another perspective: I want to be a total biotch, by being disruptive to the people that betrayed me, and fucking up their alleged utopia.

And another: Do nothing, go on with life.

Clearly the people that have violated me care not for me or my feelings. If they did they would have been mature responsible adults, he by having a discussion with me about not wanting to be involved with me any more (now he hides behind “too much time has passed, I would not know what to say”, puleeze), and her by knowing code. First and foremost you do not date your girlies ex anything, no matter what (unless you ask permission before, not two months into it).

I never wish ill will on anyone, never have no matter how hurt or angry. I truly wish for them to find the Utopia/Shalom Bayet they seek (and if they find it in each other good for them). I do not judge people either, not my nature. So I will keep my comments and opinions to my self about anyone, friend or foe.

I keep hearing “oh there is such a limited selection of single Jewish men”, really? try opening up your horizon, be less rigid on the parameters of what you are willing to explore and try. There are plenty of single Jewish men, with and without degrees and pedigrees. You have to go outside your comfortable small closed circuit to find them, but they exist.

One girlie tells me she has this great guy to set another girlie up with, the other girlie thinks she is not introducing them because she is keeping him possibly for herself. I iterate I do not judge, just because I make comments or speak with emphasis does not equivilate my being judgmental.

One girlie had a long time good friend in town to visit, she introduced him to her girlies. I found him amusing conversation for the evening. She said he was “smitten” by me, seriously how could he not be.  I am 110 lbs of intelligent, amazing, understanding, quirky, fun. For that matter, why wouldn’t any man be taken with me? I do not know, and I do not care.

I took a chance this summer, laid my cards out on the table and got involved, he never “broke it off with me, he just stopped acknowledging my existence. Yes, over night he went dark and stopped talking to me. I found out yesterday he and one of my girlies (whom I have been nothing but supportive thru her prolonged, torturous, separation ( it has been a year and there still is no ink to dry)) have been hooked up in a love fest for over a month.

I am hurt, angry, I feel violated. Please let me heal, and know that while I am quirky in humor I am odd not in humor. What works for me most assuredly would not work for you nor will it make any sense. There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to change any of the events that have occurred, nor is there anything that will change how I feel. I will work thru this in my own way and in my own time.  Until such time I ask that you not judge me, and be accepting of the choices I make even if you do not agree with them. Know that just because I do not reach out to you does not mean I do not think about you or care about you, it simply means that I am healing.

audio books

Today while putting my daughters room back together (she comes home from camp tomorrow) I was listening to an audio book called “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo It is in the same genre as “Not Your Mother’s Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules)” that I came across this past week.

I made the choice when I was younger to sew my oats, party, play and have fun. When I was younger I did not have the vision to marry, have kids and do the “normal” things in life. I was more a rebel with a cause (a topic for another day). Even though I men friends, and I had “fuck-buddies” I never really dated. My perception of dating was and still is that “dating” is too much work, I know nothing in life that is worth while is easy, but give me a break. Now there are books that explain “THE RULES“. It is all so tedious and consuming. Historically (admittedly not successfully after reading and listening to the audio book) if I had an interest in someone and there was chemistry we would do our thing whatever it was, if there was not any chemistry I never bothered. I could not be bothered to hang with or be touched by someone if there was no chemistry. Apparently it is a male trait that without attraction and or chemistry it does not can not will not work. Call me balanced between my estrogen and testosterone, hahahahahah  If there was not something there the I was attracted by forget it, you would not stand a chance to spend time near me.

I was a very outspoken, opinionated, never judgmental person, things have changed, I have aged, grown up, seen the light, and mellowed out. While I can be outspoken, I prefer not to be so vocal, and or expressive about everything. I spend more time observing rather than engaging. I still never judge, for I have seen what judgement does to people, and I chose to be different. If someone does something I do not agree with and it is not a threat of life and or limb I will keep my opinion to myself, only the threat of life/limb or the disruption of life are egregious enough for me to say something. When I see something I want I work towards obtaining it, whatever “IT” may be. Apparently in the dating world that is not the way things operate, who knew? Another life lesson learn the balance between when to work towards something and when not to? How confusing, and why am I supposed to participating in this game? Because it “FEELS” good? So do other things but that does not mean I do them. I am warm blooded and love sex as much as the next person, I love contact, of course it “feels good” to touch and be touched, it would be amazing to have someone in my life to have that on a regular basis. I am not sure I like it enough to play the dating games, being a single working parent with limited resources I am not sure how or if I want to “play these games”.

So that being said I have not heard from Mr. S this entire week, oh well it was a fun week we spent together. He had a very positive impact on my life in more ways than one. I am still in motion thanks to him. I will not call him, I will not text him, I will not email him. He knows how to reach me, and with my kids back home, booty calls are not a reality (I cannot bring myself to engage in sexual activity/behavior with my kids in the house no matter if they are awake or asleep and my kids are light sleepers). If it was meant to be it will be, a true test to faith.

Life is good, I will see my kids tomorrow!!!!!! I am ecstatic, elated, jovial, happy, and smiling. I will find a way once the kids are settled  in to have a social life. I have realized that I will also be a healthier person to maintain a life and an identity separate from my kids.