deep in thought

You guessed it, when I go silent I am deep in thought.

a few months ago my daughter was enveloped into a family that I thought the mom and I were mature adult friends. They were helping me by sharing after school child care, as well as many other things, our daughters have gone to school together for nearly five years. About a month ago my daughter was invited by this other family to spend Halloween with them, to go trick or treating, and whatever else the plans were. Wednesday the mom “uninvited” my daughter for Halloween, yes the day before. In my book this is a “bitch move”, and personal. I was challenged to consider it differently, and I have examined the scenario from every angle possible. I still can not see it as anything else but, I have considered that the family’s plans changed, they were told they could not bring a +1, and I still can not for the life of me understand why my daughter was just uninvited, no explanation, no excuse, nothing just told she was no longer invited.

Add insult to injury I get a text from this person at 2100 on Thursday evening stating effective immediately she would no longer transport my child to the after school activity that is five blocks from her house on Fridays. Yet another “bitch” move, no notice, no discussion, nothing. I have lost all regard and respect for this individual. I thought she was a friend, I have stood by her thru very grueling times during the beginning of her divorce when her husband was having her followed, and spied on. Nor did I judge her when she came clean about her extra-marital affair before her divorce. Nor have I judged her since in all of her insane “divorce crazies”. Yet she can not show me common courtesy or civility because she is or was sleeping with/dating a man I used to date. Seriously?

I guess this gives her power, reality check babe; you are enjoying my sloppy seconds.

Do not fuck with me or my daughter again or there will be some very ugly words. I do not appreciate your behavior and I am at my limit.

update on other categories in my life

The kids are ok, my son is having behavioral issues again. He went to his fathers a couple of weeks ago and has not been the same (typical). He is overly emotional, I am unsure if there are girlies involved at his day camp. He is in gymnastics and loving it, apparently he is quite talented. My daughter has been having some issues (organic if he is she will) she has been soliciting negative attention, for example talking about private matters at camp (to embarrass her brother). But last week I was out of town they seemed to do alright, we shall see what lands next week.

Now the other subject: I did not realize how long it has been since I have written about Mr.S, I am sorry there has been a lot going on between my life and his. He has had his kids for the last two weeks to complete his 30 days of possession for the summer. The first week of the two weeks he only had the older two, the younger was at sleep away camp. They were with their mother last weekend, and will go back to her on Monday.

Last week (not this past week the week before that was my last week at the miserable job), was a really difficult week, between the miserable job, and my son I was really ragged and in need of some TLC. I was physically and emotionally worn down. I did not ask Mr.S directly, you see I will not always ask outright, sometimes I to be understood without clarifying (I know part of that women are from Mars men are from Venus communications). I went to my girlies house Friday evening for Shabbat dinner with her family, I was tired by about nine-ish and went home. My regular no children in the house routine, I took a hot bath, put on slinky pj’s, and had a drink (this time was Amaretto, one of my absolute favorites). I read until I fell asleep, somewhere after 2300 my fone bleeped (somehow I herd it, mysteriously) it was Mr.S inquiring what was I up to. Um well let us see 2300 hours what do you think? I knew he had a business dinner/meeting that evening. I was actually a little put off because earlier in the day (again thru text messaging, out primary communication when not face to face) I told him I had something difficult to say. I told him that I missed him, you can only begin to imagine how awkward and difficult that was for me to say. To which he replied “that must have been difficult to say”. Not exactly the response I was seeking (we had not seen each other for the entire week as he had two of his kids), and I was more confused by that point and not feeling very validated or secure. So when he bleeped me that night I was rather on the fence emotionally. I was missing him, and was in need of some tenderness (although I did not appreciate the hour of the request) so I relented with myself and allowed him to pick me up and we went to his house, Even for the late hour he was still so tender, loving, and romantic. When Mr.S and I are together it is not all about sex, we talk, we laugh, we play, we eat, etc. We woke the next morning he made breakfast (and yes it was delicious) we hung out at his house he was doing his thing I was doing mine, and we chatted about various things. Until it was time for me to go home, he took me home and we parted ways romantically as always.

We texted and spoke on the fone while I was out of town. Yesterday morning I sent him a cute text that went like this; “pssst are you alone I have a secret to tell you”, to which he replied “yes” I then said “I do not want to burden you, I know you are with your kids you need it and it is good for you. I just wanted to say I am missing you again”. To which he replied “Awww missing you too”. Finally some validation, I was elated and on cloud nine. I had no idea when I would get home yesterday so I did not want to ask to see Mr.S. After I got home had all my immediate chores done, and was making myself dinner, I reached out to him and said “chores done, dinner cooking, hummm what is missing?” He humorously replied “hummus”, to which I replied “not quite, do you know or give up?” He then said “blueberries and cheesecake”, you see that was our first romantic encounter was feeding each other cheesecake and fresh blueberries. I replied “now you are on the right track, would you like to come over later after the kids have gone to bed for dessert?”, His reply was “;-( family coming over can not break away”. Mind you I am exhausted I have not slept but about 15 hours the entire week, and are hitting that dysfunctional mode. I sent him back many sad faces and said “enjoy your family time”. I was upset, no two ways about it. This morning my fone bleeped earlier than normal, it was Shabbat so I knew it was not my kids, yup it was Mr.S asking if I was still wardless. I said yes, he said he was dropping his car at the mechanic and had a few hours of alone time. I should have said no, I know but I did not, I went and got him we came back to my house, we talked and had a romp (that was different in that we are totally in sync with each other and have hit a new plateau of pleasure), and then he crawled under the kids bathroom sink and proceeded to fix it for me. I was grateful and surprised, I was not asking or expecting him to do that. I took him back to the mechanic and went on my merry way.

I was talking to a girlie about this morning and her reply was ” I do not like this, it all sounds like booty calls”. To which I organically defended by saying “we do more than have sex, and we do not always even have sex”. But now I am thinking about it all, and not pleasantly. I am not sure how to assess the scenario, naturally I am partial and are looking for it not to be “booty calls”. But you see Mr.S and I are like a Mexican stand off when it comes to “talking about feelings”. He being male, and me being well me (I have never been one to talk about my feelings ever) conversations that involve “emotions” are left unspoken, not had, not avoided just not brought up. I am not so comfortable discussing emotions, I compartmentalize everything, and do not “feel” things like most people. The past few years I have been working diligently at not being  stone (hence the name emotionless brain), allowing myself to experience emotions. It has been daunting work, but I have made great progress. Then came along Mr.S, who by the way refuses to accept any accountability in my progress or the leaps and bounds of improvement I have made since I met him (is that a red flag?) Not that I am “dumping” my success or burdening him with it, but seriously since I met him my heart has become less heavy, and I smile so much more. I have a bounce to my step, I am satiated, those alone are feats to be accomplished for me, much less add them all together. Oh yeah and I have stopped wearing clothes that are five sizes too big, I actually are wearing clothes that fit and show off my “tiny figure”. You know not even my ex-husband in 10 years of marriage could not get me into form fitting clothes like I am now.

Mr.S and I are going on six weeks of seeing each other, what is the next step, and when will it be appropriate to take it? Will it be introducing each other to our kids? Meeting families? Meeting friends? I am so out of my element here, and when do we start having the conversation about it? I am trusting blind faith an hoping there will be a next step to move to (it is in my nature not to be confident, also something I am diligently working on changing).

Life is good, I am employed with a new job that will have untold potential, my kids are safe all my critters survived the week of high school-er that I paid to care for them. My cup is full, I was totally satiated until I started thinking….

is it over yet?

Every day this week Mr.S has texted me to remind me my crappy job situation is very temporary (he know how miserable I  am there). Yesterday he texted “hump day”, I knew this meant only three more days till it is over. This simple single act elated my heart, how silly is that? Mr. S is a funny guy…

So later yesterday evening I sent Mr.S (part of our routine) a picture of the thermostat is my vehicle that read 111 saying MAJOR hot. to which he replied, and then I began describing; “fantasizing about sitting pool side with a cold fruity drink”. he replied “fun, I then invited him to join my fantasy to which his misunderstood me inviting him over (I wish I could) to which he replied “tempting” (talk about tempting, I would love to be able to see him even if only for a few moments). I let that set a few moments, I then said; ” to join the fantasy all you have to do is imagine and then share what you see”. Of course there was no reply to this.

Mr.S then apologized for being out of communication the past few days, I replied with “no apology needed, I understand the bigger picture, and that I am happy for him to be in a better place with his kids”.  While I will take the bits and pieces for now with texting, I hate that texting is so subject to individual interpretation. I also said that I am working really hard at being a “rules girl” to which he came back with “do not confuse unconventional and being a follower with “the rules”. Holy crap, did I miss something? Admittedly I have prided myself with being unconventional, but a follower? Thems figntin words in my dictionary. I replied “unconventional absolutely, please do not confuse my tempering myself with being a follower, I am no longer BLAZING through life speaking everything I think and allowing other people to take lead or charge”. I also said I would have to pick his brain on why he thinks I am a follower. What I really meant when I said “rules girl” and I will explain this to him later is that for the first time ever I am moderating myself in a relationship, as much as I want to say to him “I miss you and want to see you” I will not. I do not want to be selfish ( I am sure if I push he would take time out from dad mode to accommodate my desire), he needs this time with his kids it is healthy for him and puts him in a better place I will not distract him from it. This is huge for me, It is very difficult, I am not enjoying it at all. I also after reading the “rules book” have decided not to be the aggressor, this summer my motto is break the chains that bind. I have not had success in previous relationships (hence I am divorced and single), so I am willing to try something different. In the rules book it says to let the “man” be the aggressor, let him be “in charge”, if he wants to say he misses me, I will gladly and honestly reciprocate, until then I have to keep it to myself. I do not want him to have any “genetic Jewish guilt” about me while he is doing what he needs to do. Does this make sense? I know I am over thinking it, but if you knew me in person you would understand this is me.

I meet my new boss today, I am very nervous.

My son has begun raging again and has left for a few days, I will blog about this later.

I need a hug……………………………………………………………………………………………………

today is hump day

I only have three more days (including today) at this job, I am ready to count the hours. Fortunately today I will be out most of the day I have meetings at my previous employer. I finally was able to hire someone to replace me (I agreed to before I resigned), and need to introduce them and start getting them orientated. So today and this weekend I will be training (Mr.S is with his kids, and my kids are otherwise occupied).

I finally finished the book “not your mothers rules of dating”, it is fantastic reading so much that I have already purchased additional books by the author for my trip next week for training. I have been able to take parts of this book and apply it to my life already, not just in dating but in general. Bottom line sip life slowly, and you will reap the rewards.

I will be going out of town for the week for training, the new company has a crammed packed schedule for me it appears they are putting about a month of training into one week. I am excited and nervous at the same time. My kids will be staying with friends, I will be paying a high schooler to help my kids take care of the animals (they will be staying two blocks away), what else am I missing? I will pack Saturday/Sunday, get a pedicure, I already purchased dog food, and produce, I cannot mow my grass the lawn mower crapped out and there are none available around me (seriously I went to Lowes and HD last weekend only the $500 models on the shelf). So I will have to pay someone to mow for me, not happy about that but for once I will not have to go out there and do it myself.

I have not spoken to Mr.S (I was not expecting to) while I do not like it I understand it. He has not seen his kids for nearly a month (and not really spoken to them either because the mom wont let him), he needs his dad time. It is taking every ounce of energy not to reach out to him, I did send him a smiley face text yesterday mid morning to which he immediately replied. We texted a little he is happy to be back in  dad mode, he is a rare breed that likes playing dad vs not. His kids have no idea how lucky they are, my kids would not know their father if it were not for court appointed visits. before I began enforcing them my ex would only call at holiday time to try to see the kids and at that it was to take them to his parents house. This is not about bashing my ex, sorry. I fully expect (and yes I know I am setting myself up for disappointment, but at least my eyes are open to it) to hear form and see Mr.S before I go out of town for training. Mr. S knows I will be leaving town for about a week, not all the details.

Alright, off to prepare for another day. Life is good, I am tired and are feeling my cup s l o w l y emptying and without knowing when I will see Mr.S to refill it are getting a little anxious. I know how to manage without Mr.S (I have been single for four and a half years since my divorce), but it sure has been nicer and easier since he began filling my cup for me. I like it better with him than without (I am still keeping things compartmentalized to protect myself, a blog for another day)

Have a great day!!!!

confusing confusing confusing

I told my girlie long before I met Mr. S that I do not do the dating scene. I met Mr.S at a party, totally innocently not even being “introduced”. We have spent the past month doing lots of different things, all in the category of what I thought was dating.

Now he has become weird again (exactly as he did when he went on holiday with his kids earlier in the summer). This time he said things like “I am sure we will still be in touch. I cannot be certain or promise I will be able to see you”, and I am sure we will communicate, I just don’t know about late night visits”. WTF?

We had date nite Friday night we went out to dinner and then to a movie. I actually had been in a funk for a couple of days, I am in the last two weeks of this job and it is wearing on me and all the negative crap that goes on with it. I even gave Mr.S an out for Friday nite because I was not in a social mood, but no he insisted. I should have trusted me gut on Friday morning when I told my girlie I wanted to call things off with him, that I needed to go back to focusing on my l kids and not worrying about my desires or emotions.

Like a sap I listened to her, “he likes you, he likes being with you”, “would someone be so romantic if they were not also interested?” I do not fault her in any way for any of this. You see Mr.S is like a brother to her, he is a better brother to her than her own two blood brothers who always seem to sit in judgement of her. I made the request of her not to let my experience shadow her relationship with Mr.S, he is too valuable to her. He is not a bad person, we all have had our indiscretions, we are all divorced and accountable for failed marriages, whatever. I am not out looking for a husband, but I also am not the kind of person that will accept Mr. Right Now. There are too many potential problems, diseases, etc that can and will destroy  your life.

I do not know if Mr.S is stressing about things in his life or what, but he communicated all of this via text, really? Talk about “RULES“, dude you just violated one of the worst ones. Who knows, and now I do not care.

I am still in motion, I will not stop (I refuse to give anyone the power to slow me down when I am moving in a good direction). This only changes things, no more romance, no more sex, no more date nites, yadda, yadda. No I will not be looking to try this again, I was not looking when I met Mr.S, I am most definitely not looking now. If and when it jumps up and bites me again I will consider it (it did this time, it will again). Until then my heart will safely retreat back into its shell much like a turtle, and I will go back to being 100% focused on my kids and not on myself.

Do not hear me say I will stop caring for myself, I will always take care of me. Getting pedicures (as I always have), bikini waxing is new but I’ll stick with it (easier than shaving like I always have done), I have all new undergarments (some sexy some not), I have new pajamas, what more do I need? I am not the kind of person that needs someone in their life, or needs someone to “fill their cup”, I am capable of filling my own cup, and as much as I love sex to me it is not worth the hassle of dealing with someone else baggage.

Life is good, I am finally able to get back on track with my kids and not a moment too soon school starts in one month, feathers are happy, furbabies are snoozing, kids are fast asleep, I have had a glass of wine and will be going to bed soon too.

audio books

Today while putting my daughters room back together (she comes home from camp tomorrow) I was listening to an audio book called “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo It is in the same genre as “Not Your Mother’s Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules)” that I came across this past week.

I made the choice when I was younger to sew my oats, party, play and have fun. When I was younger I did not have the vision to marry, have kids and do the “normal” things in life. I was more a rebel with a cause (a topic for another day). Even though I men friends, and I had “fuck-buddies” I never really dated. My perception of dating was and still is that “dating” is too much work, I know nothing in life that is worth while is easy, but give me a break. Now there are books that explain “THE RULES“. It is all so tedious and consuming. Historically (admittedly not successfully after reading and listening to the audio book) if I had an interest in someone and there was chemistry we would do our thing whatever it was, if there was not any chemistry I never bothered. I could not be bothered to hang with or be touched by someone if there was no chemistry. Apparently it is a male trait that without attraction and or chemistry it does not can not will not work. Call me balanced between my estrogen and testosterone, hahahahahah  If there was not something there the I was attracted by forget it, you would not stand a chance to spend time near me.

I was a very outspoken, opinionated, never judgmental person, things have changed, I have aged, grown up, seen the light, and mellowed out. While I can be outspoken, I prefer not to be so vocal, and or expressive about everything. I spend more time observing rather than engaging. I still never judge, for I have seen what judgement does to people, and I chose to be different. If someone does something I do not agree with and it is not a threat of life and or limb I will keep my opinion to myself, only the threat of life/limb or the disruption of life are egregious enough for me to say something. When I see something I want I work towards obtaining it, whatever “IT” may be. Apparently in the dating world that is not the way things operate, who knew? Another life lesson learn the balance between when to work towards something and when not to? How confusing, and why am I supposed to participating in this game? Because it “FEELS” good? So do other things but that does not mean I do them. I am warm blooded and love sex as much as the next person, I love contact, of course it “feels good” to touch and be touched, it would be amazing to have someone in my life to have that on a regular basis. I am not sure I like it enough to play the dating games, being a single working parent with limited resources I am not sure how or if I want to “play these games”.

So that being said I have not heard from Mr. S this entire week, oh well it was a fun week we spent together. He had a very positive impact on my life in more ways than one. I am still in motion thanks to him. I will not call him, I will not text him, I will not email him. He knows how to reach me, and with my kids back home, booty calls are not a reality (I cannot bring myself to engage in sexual activity/behavior with my kids in the house no matter if they are awake or asleep and my kids are light sleepers). If it was meant to be it will be, a true test to faith.

Life is good, I will see my kids tomorrow!!!!!! I am ecstatic, elated, jovial, happy, and smiling. I will find a way once the kids are settled  in to have a social life. I have realized that I will also be a healthier person to maintain a life and an identity separate from my kids.

I feel compelled to mention…

That I am reading a very interesting book. The title is

“Not your mother’s RULES, the new secrets for dating”. It is written by women for women but guys you could benefit from reading it too. I am still reading, I will let you know when I am done, it is a gripper.
Life is good, I am employed, my kids come home tomorrow, feathers are great, furbabies are happy, I am still in motion.