what is the message

I was having a conversation with my 12yo daughter yesterday, nothing specific just enjoying the last weekend of girl time before her brother comes home from school. I showed her a picture of a pair of sandals I saw and liked (she follows my style in dress somewhat). She asked why I did not get them, my response was “well I do not NEED them, they were not on sale, and when do I ever “spend” on myself?”

a conversation with my 15yo son

I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.

I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of  judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.

After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.

I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.

My kids are home

My kids went to two sessions at camp this summer (two three and a half week sessions) with a five day break in between they came home for. It was a long arduous summer for me for multiple reasons. First I was away from both kids for nearly two months, second my last three paychecks bounced and one of the replacement checks also bounced (that alone has nearly defeated me), third I was unable to take advantage of the time without my kids to do anything for myself.

The biggest news is that after a year of my son living with my half brother two blocks away they (my brother and his wife) unilaterally decided my son was too much for them and they do not want him to return. No transition, no discussion, just he is no longer welcome there. Apparently they got a taste of how difficult my son really is, and honestly they did not see the half of it. They never had to physically restrain the boy (I have had to when he was out of control raging).

So I now am faced to figure out by the seat of my pants how to incorporate my son back into my household. It has been my daughter and I for the past year and yes we have a routine (and are not accustom to having a boy in the house).

ahh trials and tribulations

What a busy week. Monday was an audit for work. Tuesday was parent teacher conferences in the am, then work. Wednesday another audit for work. Today, I was actually stationary for work at the office, until I learned that tomorrow I have to drive equipment 300 miles one way to another location, and bring back other equipment for my location. Woot woot to me.

I go to the pharmacy to fill my RX and my sons only to learn the ex-husband did not bother to take care of cobra coverage for the kids when he switched employers, and my sons Rx cash out of pocket for two Rx will be about $500. So I called him and inquired, he was cavalier and flippant and non responsive. Typical, he has absolutely no accountability in any of it. It is all someones else s fault, allegedly the previous employer would not send him the COBRA info until after his final employment date (which by the way was close to a week ago), yes he knows he is violation of the divorce decree, but it’s not his fault. Not like he has to live with the child ever much less not on his ADD medication. Not like he will be the one getting the call form the school when the child is in trouble because he does not have his Rx. Oh but he loves his kids and would do anything for them, so long as it is convenient for he and his bigot wife and does not require them to spend one extra dime of their hard earned money on anyone but them selves and her son that lives with them. Ten minutes later I get a text from him or his wife I do not know, asking for the pharmacy address stating he would go and get the Rx tomorrow when he picks up my daughter for her visit (the boy only goes when there is nothing better to do around home). We will see what comes to fruition tomorrow, I am confident that he will not spend the $500 it will take to get the Rx, which I know if he gets the insurance retro activated will reimburse for the meds minus the copay. I do not have the money to put out, and for once it is time for him to sacrifice if need be for the good of his child, and fight to get his own money back instead of me.

Hum, let me analyze for a moment, am I angry here? Hum, not really angry more frustrated and aggravated with the stupidity of it all. But definitely not angry. I expect stupidity from my ex-husband, he is after all my ex (judge me not for the company I used to keep) ha ha ha

This was a good week to commiserate with my girlie about stupid ex-husbands, her son’s Bar Mitzvah is impending, and unlike mine her ex is Jewish and has decided that he will allow her father (who pays for most of the kids necessities) and one of her two brothers but not her sisters husband an aliyah but at number five and seven after all of his extended family. For me, the ex is not Jewish and therefore would not be invited or welcomed to accept an aliyah or even stand on the pulpit. So who is there to stand up for my son, I guess it will have to be his uncles (who are not my biggest advocates), I can live with the cards that have been dealt to me. I know for certain there will be at least two maybe all three if I am lucky of my half brothers to accept aliyah’s at my son’s bar mitzvah.

I have a tender spot in my heart about all of this for my girlie, she has yet to learn to live with the cards dealt, she claims not to “waste time/energy/or emotions” on anything regarding her ex; but I see and hear thru her words. Out of care for her when she calls me to kvetch about her ex, or what he has done I listen, never judging, or having an opinion about any of it. But in doing that I am unable to validate her in any way either, sadly. Do not get me wrong, I have my thoughts about things, I just do not tell her. When she talks to me about such things she is not looking for my opinion on things, more just a safe place to vent and sort.

I am still in motion, but have not been able to make it to the gym in three weeks now argh. Feathers are sleeping, furbabies are dreaming about tail wags and bones, my daughter is fast asleep (especially tired this eve), I am off to the land of ZZZZzzzzz.

The Weight & Burdens of Life’s Stresses

I did not write this, but it resonated to me, a lesson I learned years ago when I let my anger go with my parents.

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. 

As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the

“half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face,

she inquired: ”How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour,

I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb

and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change,

but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water.

Think about them for a while and nothing happens.

Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt.

And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”

It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses.

As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night.

Remember to put the glass down!

still digesting

Thursday someone accused me of being angry,I am still processing.

There was a time in my life I was an angry person, then I guess you could say I learned my lessons about anger. The losses suffered thru anger are not worth it. There was more to gain by not being angry and more to life to live. I chose the path of less resistance (the way I operate).

I do get angry at situations and I get upset with people. After all people can be very disappointing…

I am unable to wrap my head around why this individual thinks so highly of herself that I am “angry” with her or anything relating to or about her. I was angry when she hurt my daughter, but that is the mother in me protecting my child. When I saw her twice in the past few days she ignored me, granted I did not jump up and down and scream HELLO or anything, how does this make me angry? I admit I can be cynical, the language I speak with can be direct, my tone can be force full often misunderstood for condescending. But never with malice, forked tongue, or intent to hurt. I am an odd ball, thru and thru, I see things differently, I describe things differently, the word onomatopoeia comes to mind when I try to describe myself.

onomatopoeia :  the use of words whose sound suggests the sense

A word my father taught me in third grade, along with

alliteration: the use of words that begin with the same sound near one another

They have always been two of my favorite words… Sorry I digressed here, back to my alleged anger.

Moving forward, I have come the decision that I am not an angry person, and that certain individuals should look inside their own houses before accusing others of anything.

deep in thought

You guessed it, when I go silent I am deep in thought.

a few months ago my daughter was enveloped into a family that I thought the mom and I were mature adult friends. They were helping me by sharing after school child care, as well as many other things, our daughters have gone to school together for nearly five years. About a month ago my daughter was invited by this other family to spend Halloween with them, to go trick or treating, and whatever else the plans were. Wednesday the mom “uninvited” my daughter for Halloween, yes the day before. In my book this is a “bitch move”, and personal. I was challenged to consider it differently, and I have examined the scenario from every angle possible. I still can not see it as anything else but, I have considered that the family’s plans changed, they were told they could not bring a +1, and I still can not for the life of me understand why my daughter was just uninvited, no explanation, no excuse, nothing just told she was no longer invited.

Add insult to injury I get a text from this person at 2100 on Thursday evening stating effective immediately she would no longer transport my child to the after school activity that is five blocks from her house on Fridays. Yet another “bitch” move, no notice, no discussion, nothing. I have lost all regard and respect for this individual. I thought she was a friend, I have stood by her thru very grueling times during the beginning of her divorce when her husband was having her followed, and spied on. Nor did I judge her when she came clean about her extra-marital affair before her divorce. Nor have I judged her since in all of her insane “divorce crazies”. Yet she can not show me common courtesy or civility because she is or was sleeping with/dating a man I used to date. Seriously?

I guess this gives her power, reality check babe; you are enjoying my sloppy seconds.

Do not fuck with me or my daughter again or there will be some very ugly words. I do not appreciate your behavior and I am at my limit.

social event over, wew

Yesterday I went to our old shul and attended a Bar Mitzvah service that was very nice. I also attended the luncheon afterwards. The Bar Mitzvah boy is a friend of my son, and his parents have been warm, friendly, and receptive to me from day one. Unlike some of the other families in this hypocritical modern orthodox neighborhood.

It intrigues me why when people ask what is different about me, I tell them nothing, they insist yes there is. Would you like me to just come out and say it? No I have not lost weight, yes I did straighten my hair, no I did not change the coulour (it is coloured to cover the grey), alright already I am finally comfortable in my own skin, and I am wearing clothes that fit and accentuate my body. I never leave my house without looking my best, I learned how to wear clothes five sizes too big and make them look good, not frumpy flabby, in fact no one could even tell I was hiding in my clothes it was that natural in appearance. Now I am wearing fitted clothes, and you can see that I am girl for starters, and that I have curves. No I am not dressing sexy for shul, but when clothes fit correctly you can see the body shape.

What else is different about me? I do not know apparently something because they all acted like they barely recognized me and it had been an eternity since anyone had seen me. I have always held my head up, but now it is more than just my head, I am stronger and much more confident. Perhaps that is what presents differently, the confidence. Just wait until my son’s simcha, most of these people have sat in judgement on me (never having walked a day in my life) making me feel like a leper, an undesirable. Humpf, I have news for all of ya’ll, it takes a village to raise a child, I rarely asked for help even when things were out of control, there were a few that stepped up and helped unconditionally (I declined help with conditions), so bite me this is my day to bask with my son. When it is my turn to stand up with my son (his father is neither Jewish or interested in participating) I will find strength in the knowledge that when I answer to my maker it will be with a clean conscious, and that my Judaism comes from within, not false pretenses or fake airs.

Feathers are asleep, furbabies are asleep, my daughter is fast asleep, my son does not live with me so I do not know what he is doing. I am still in motion, and some day life will be good again (I promise).

super busy

Lately I have been so engrossed in work I feel like I have lost contact with everything else. Every day I am in a different city (and yes they repeat themselves), my territory or division is thousands of square miles and I have 48 different clients. All of which I have to interface with, some frequently most not so frequently. I have been in this position for two months now and I still have not met or spoken to all of my clients.

I have been distant from everyone, I am sure my daughter who lives with me would probably say lately Ima has been absent and preoccupied. Different that a few months ago. then she was smiling all the time, laughing, funny, playful. Now it is back to business, and serious about work.

Do not get me wrong I loved the person I morphed into a few months ago, that was an amazing transformation I never knew existed in me. Sadly the influence that facilitated that morphing is not an influence anymore, I am trying to keep as much of it as I can (that is exhausting alone), but I feel it slowly slipping away. 

Since summer is over and school has started daily routine is slipping back into a comfort zone (no comfort zones are not always healthy but they are just that “COMFORT”). My son is still not living with me, and I miss him terribly, my daughter has become someone I do not know (or want to know). I never knew there was such a side to her, she is selfish, bratty, did I mention selfish. I take her to get a pedicure as a treat, now she expects it every time I go, I try to get to the the gym when I can maybe a couple times a week, but if she is around forget it she will not let me go. Always some drama or catastrophe that I cannot leave. Tonight a neighbor picked her up from gymnastics (I was out of town again), she was supposed to come home she had a list of what to do in the interim until  I got home, but no she had to boo hoo to the neighbor “she was scared of the dark”, puleeze. The house is far from dark, she had all the lights on, and left the dogs in the house, and wen to the neighbors to play. Manipulative little girl.

That infuriated me added to last night I got home early and wanted to catch a yoga and a zumba class (they were back to back for once). I was dressed ready to go, had my water bottle was saying good bye and she started the meltdown crap. Then after I sat back down and said forget it she says “it’s ok you can go”, humpf. I know exactly where that would get me. So for the second week in a row I get no gym time, because I have a selfish bratty child. I did not spend time with her, in fact I sent her to bed early and was working. 

This too shall pass as all else does. I am still in motion, I am loving the work I am doing, what more could a girl ask for?

 

at a fork in the road

My summer started normal, then took turn in a new direction, then went back to normal. The experiences I have had were a mix of good and not so good (I dare not say bad because without life’s experiences we would not learn and grow). I am still in a limbo state in regards to my experiences.

I met someone who opened something in me I did not know existed, as my girlie put it; I thought and I projected the image of being impervious, as my blog name describes, devoid of most emotion. I became this way out of a sense of necessity to protect my inner self. I became like this at a very early age, I actually remember the moment vividly when I made the decision “to “feel” was problematic”. As I grew so did my desire not to be emotional, I saw people around me hurting, and being hurt. I did not want that experience for myself. This was more than just about the way my parents were destructive to each other, I also saw the way people I did not even know be angry and hurt. I closed my heart and cut the ties between my heart and my head.

I was married once, and I now realize while I cared for him before and during the marriage, I did not “love” him with my heart soul and existence. I knew once I became pregnant with my first child I would have to open my heart, and I did. Then ca,e my second child, and my heart opened up a little more and a little differently (my first born was a son, my second was a daughter). My children have become my heartbeat and existence. I have regrets for having married someone I now realize I actually did not love, it was unfair to him, I do not regret the two amazing and beautiful creatures that came of the marriage.

This summer when I met this person, it completely took me by surprise, I have always been adventuresome, and love a challenge. Sadly the playing fields were not even/level in any way shape or form, you see he knew about the “rules“, I did not until mid way into things, by then it was too late all the rules had been broken. Somehow I morphed into an amazing creature of radiance, compassion, patience, emotions, I was so high on life I never knew I alone could feel so good. The endorphin’s in my brain were like no other, I am not inexperienced in tinkering with my endorphin’s. I want that creature back, I liked myself like that, other people liked me too. I do not regret the experience, what I regret is I feel manipulated and use, and that the other person will not  grow or learn from the experience. Why you ask? Because they are unable or unwilling to face their demons, and they unilaterally decided to lump in their demon category. The way they did not end things was by just stopping communicating with me. I have since had a two minute conversation with them that someone else forced to happen and they attempted an apology for having “behaved poorly”. Initially I was willing to hear and consider accepting the apology, I have since changed my mind.

A girlie said to me and I have pondered long and hard on this, “I allowed the rules to be broken, thereby allowing myself to be disrespected”. To begin with I had absolutely no idea about the rules, I have since read a few books on the rules, and sort of have a clue about them now, and I will absolutely make a consorted effort to live by them moving forward. What I disagree with is that I allowed myself to be disrespected, absolutely not, he knew about the rules going into things and knew I did not, how because one of our first conversations was about “THE RULES” and I told him I had no idea what he was referencing.

 

I am still in motion, and will keep that momentum going (the motion has always been about me). I will eventually figure this all out, and decide what to do with it. For now I will go back to being a full time working mother devoted completely to my children. I want my son back home with me, and I want my daughter to stop being a manipulative selfish person. To do this I need all of me focused on them, not on myself or my social desires. This does not mean I will sacrifice myself, just that if I do not get what I want or get to do what I want to do it will just have to be without repercussion or resentment. When we have children we have to become selfless to some degree until such time as the children are able to function without us, then we are able to become self absorbent and self fulfilling.

Life will be good again.