deep in thought

You guessed it, when I go silent I am deep in thought.

a few months ago my daughter was enveloped into a family that I thought the mom and I were mature adult friends. They were helping me by sharing after school child care, as well as many other things, our daughters have gone to school together for nearly five years. About a month ago my daughter was invited by this other family to spend Halloween with them, to go trick or treating, and whatever else the plans were. Wednesday the mom “uninvited” my daughter for Halloween, yes the day before. In my book this is a “bitch move”, and personal. I was challenged to consider it differently, and I have examined the scenario from every angle possible. I still can not see it as anything else but, I have considered that the family’s plans changed, they were told they could not bring a +1, and I still can not for the life of me understand why my daughter was just uninvited, no explanation, no excuse, nothing just told she was no longer invited.

Add insult to injury I get a text from this person at 2100 on Thursday evening stating effective immediately she would no longer transport my child to the after school activity that is five blocks from her house on Fridays. Yet another “bitch” move, no notice, no discussion, nothing. I have lost all regard and respect for this individual. I thought she was a friend, I have stood by her thru very grueling times during the beginning of her divorce when her husband was having her followed, and spied on. Nor did I judge her when she came clean about her extra-marital affair before her divorce. Nor have I judged her since in all of her insane “divorce crazies”. Yet she can not show me common courtesy or civility because she is or was sleeping with/dating a man I used to date. Seriously?

I guess this gives her power, reality check babe; you are enjoying my sloppy seconds.

Do not fuck with me or my daughter again or there will be some very ugly words. I do not appreciate your behavior and I am at my limit.

life’s trial and tribulations

I have been home since Friday evening, my daughter returned to me Saturday evening and my son just now returned to me. My son was graciously taken out of town with his cousin on their family vacation. He has returned an absolute shit, not only ungracious but dictating to me what he will and will not do. I am unclear who this 12 yo child thinks he is or how he plans on paying his own bills but I do not have tolerance for his tude.

On a personal level I am not in a great place, something happened yesterday that took me to a very dark gloomy negative hideous place that I have not been to in 20+ years. Someone said something to me that for some reason I reacted to internally, I am still reeling. It was said to me “stop being needy”, we can all be needy at various points in time. I do not think I was being especially needy or demanding. Perception is the rule (especially with texting communications), I do not even remember reading the text, I actually heard it my stomach dropped 50 feet, and I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of inferiority, helplessness, and smallness. The other person may have tried to clarify why they said what they said but I stopped them by saying “got it, moving on”. I have been reeling ever since with these horrible, scary, destructive, stupid emotions that were churned up by this interaction.

Add insult to injury today was my first day at the new job, with my confidence below the toilet it was not an easy day. I have been fighting back tears all day. I am not a “needy” person, I am quite independent, as self sufficient as one can be in my circumstance. That being said with everything I have going on I for the first time in a long while are actually feeling the need for validation. Two new jobs this summer (who knew the first one would be so terrible), my son back spiraling out of control, me leaving my kids for the first time ever (to go for a week of training in another city), meeting someone new and smacktacular. Yes I said that…

Last night I channeled my energy into my consulting work, tonight I channeled my energy into baking. I made a toffee cheesecake.

Life is good, I am employed, feathers are all well, furbabies are all well, and kids are sleeping soundly. I am having a glass of muscato wine, enjoying peace and quiet.

 

update on other categories in my life

The kids are ok, my son is having behavioral issues again. He went to his fathers a couple of weeks ago and has not been the same (typical). He is overly emotional, I am unsure if there are girlies involved at his day camp. He is in gymnastics and loving it, apparently he is quite talented. My daughter has been having some issues (organic if he is she will) she has been soliciting negative attention, for example talking about private matters at camp (to embarrass her brother). But last week I was out of town they seemed to do alright, we shall see what lands next week.

Now the other subject: I did not realize how long it has been since I have written about Mr.S, I am sorry there has been a lot going on between my life and his. He has had his kids for the last two weeks to complete his 30 days of possession for the summer. The first week of the two weeks he only had the older two, the younger was at sleep away camp. They were with their mother last weekend, and will go back to her on Monday.

Last week (not this past week the week before that was my last week at the miserable job), was a really difficult week, between the miserable job, and my son I was really ragged and in need of some TLC. I was physically and emotionally worn down. I did not ask Mr.S directly, you see I will not always ask outright, sometimes I to be understood without clarifying (I know part of that women are from Mars men are from Venus communications). I went to my girlies house Friday evening for Shabbat dinner with her family, I was tired by about nine-ish and went home. My regular no children in the house routine, I took a hot bath, put on slinky pj’s, and had a drink (this time was Amaretto, one of my absolute favorites). I read until I fell asleep, somewhere after 2300 my fone bleeped (somehow I herd it, mysteriously) it was Mr.S inquiring what was I up to. Um well let us see 2300 hours what do you think? I knew he had a business dinner/meeting that evening. I was actually a little put off because earlier in the day (again thru text messaging, out primary communication when not face to face) I told him I had something difficult to say. I told him that I missed him, you can only begin to imagine how awkward and difficult that was for me to say. To which he replied “that must have been difficult to say”. Not exactly the response I was seeking (we had not seen each other for the entire week as he had two of his kids), and I was more confused by that point and not feeling very validated or secure. So when he bleeped me that night I was rather on the fence emotionally. I was missing him, and was in need of some tenderness (although I did not appreciate the hour of the request) so I relented with myself and allowed him to pick me up and we went to his house, Even for the late hour he was still so tender, loving, and romantic. When Mr.S and I are together it is not all about sex, we talk, we laugh, we play, we eat, etc. We woke the next morning he made breakfast (and yes it was delicious) we hung out at his house he was doing his thing I was doing mine, and we chatted about various things. Until it was time for me to go home, he took me home and we parted ways romantically as always.

We texted and spoke on the fone while I was out of town. Yesterday morning I sent him a cute text that went like this; “pssst are you alone I have a secret to tell you”, to which he replied “yes” I then said “I do not want to burden you, I know you are with your kids you need it and it is good for you. I just wanted to say I am missing you again”. To which he replied “Awww missing you too”. Finally some validation, I was elated and on cloud nine. I had no idea when I would get home yesterday so I did not want to ask to see Mr.S. After I got home had all my immediate chores done, and was making myself dinner, I reached out to him and said “chores done, dinner cooking, hummm what is missing?” He humorously replied “hummus”, to which I replied “not quite, do you know or give up?” He then said “blueberries and cheesecake”, you see that was our first romantic encounter was feeding each other cheesecake and fresh blueberries. I replied “now you are on the right track, would you like to come over later after the kids have gone to bed for dessert?”, His reply was “;-( family coming over can not break away”. Mind you I am exhausted I have not slept but about 15 hours the entire week, and are hitting that dysfunctional mode. I sent him back many sad faces and said “enjoy your family time”. I was upset, no two ways about it. This morning my fone bleeped earlier than normal, it was Shabbat so I knew it was not my kids, yup it was Mr.S asking if I was still wardless. I said yes, he said he was dropping his car at the mechanic and had a few hours of alone time. I should have said no, I know but I did not, I went and got him we came back to my house, we talked and had a romp (that was different in that we are totally in sync with each other and have hit a new plateau of pleasure), and then he crawled under the kids bathroom sink and proceeded to fix it for me. I was grateful and surprised, I was not asking or expecting him to do that. I took him back to the mechanic and went on my merry way.

I was talking to a girlie about this morning and her reply was ” I do not like this, it all sounds like booty calls”. To which I organically defended by saying “we do more than have sex, and we do not always even have sex”. But now I am thinking about it all, and not pleasantly. I am not sure how to assess the scenario, naturally I am partial and are looking for it not to be “booty calls”. But you see Mr.S and I are like a Mexican stand off when it comes to “talking about feelings”. He being male, and me being well me (I have never been one to talk about my feelings ever) conversations that involve “emotions” are left unspoken, not had, not avoided just not brought up. I am not so comfortable discussing emotions, I compartmentalize everything, and do not “feel” things like most people. The past few years I have been working diligently at not being  stone (hence the name emotionless brain), allowing myself to experience emotions. It has been daunting work, but I have made great progress. Then came along Mr.S, who by the way refuses to accept any accountability in my progress or the leaps and bounds of improvement I have made since I met him (is that a red flag?) Not that I am “dumping” my success or burdening him with it, but seriously since I met him my heart has become less heavy, and I smile so much more. I have a bounce to my step, I am satiated, those alone are feats to be accomplished for me, much less add them all together. Oh yeah and I have stopped wearing clothes that are five sizes too big, I actually are wearing clothes that fit and show off my “tiny figure”. You know not even my ex-husband in 10 years of marriage could not get me into form fitting clothes like I am now.

Mr.S and I are going on six weeks of seeing each other, what is the next step, and when will it be appropriate to take it? Will it be introducing each other to our kids? Meeting families? Meeting friends? I am so out of my element here, and when do we start having the conversation about it? I am trusting blind faith an hoping there will be a next step to move to (it is in my nature not to be confident, also something I am diligently working on changing).

Life is good, I am employed with a new job that will have untold potential, my kids are safe all my critters survived the week of high school-er that I paid to care for them. My cup is full, I was totally satiated until I started thinking….

Saturday night plans

Mr.S and I had plans for Saturday night, he was allowing me to treat him for his birthday (he does not celebrate it for just cause). We had parted ways earlier in the day from the Friday Night surprise.

I purchased tickets to a musical at a local theater, it was not the one I wanted but it would work. Mr. S picked me up kind of late, just in time for the show, he claimed not to be hungry as he had a heavy lunch. So we went to the show, it was fun. We laughed and enjoyed it, afterwards we went to a local spot and had a bite to eat, it was delicious (this was not a local dive but actually one of the classier spots). We shared an artichoke appetizer that was divine, we both had different salads, and chose to decline on dessert there were only three items offered and none stood out to either of us. So we we headed back, first we stopped by my house to let my dogs out (duh I clearly was not spending the night at home again) and pack an overnight bag. The night prior I slept there I did not have a toothbrush, nor anything else I might have needed, body oil, change of clothes, medicine, etc.

After my chores were done, we headed to his house. One thing I really like about his house is the quietness, my house is a hustle and bustle by comparison even without anyone else there. I live close to a freeway, and dead smack in the middle of major traffic, plus there are two inch gaps between the exterior door and the frame. His house is serene, even though it is in the middle of remodel and partially torn up it is so calm and serene.

The mutual friend that had introduced us wanted us to go dancing with her and “Dance partner”, but alas Mr.S was not in the mood for high energy, we were both a little tired and were lavishing in the romantic evening we had shared again! So it was another night of romance and pleasure, not sure if it was mine or his probably both.

We woke Sunday morning very gently, relaxed, and romantically. We have become comfortable with each other, our bodies have found rhythm with each other. Yes we broke the “rules” and jumped into sex, we have stepped back and while we both have desire we are trying to not make it about sex. Talk about a difficult thing, when sex is good you want it right? Mr.S woke up a sleeping creature with me (I have been divorced for four and a half years), no I have not been celibate the entire time apparently just had not found the right partner.

You see I am different than a lot of women, I require a level of attraction and chemistry to be able to perform and enjoy, if the mojo inst there you can forget about it. Sure it sort of goes both ways, but a lot of men can fuck anything (most of them do), and well not that I am tooting my own horn but I am not fugly. Let me paint a picture, 5’5″, 115lbs, hair down to my mid back (curly or straight I can do both) it is auburn colour, I have hazel eyes. I am not as fit as I used to be, but three months at the gym and baby you would never know it has been 10 years since I have worked out. I believe in give and take, so if I want someone that is attractive then I need to also be attractive.

Time to go back to the gym, not because I need to loose weight, or anything like that, but because it is a healthy pattern. Exercise have more energy, feel good about myself, get into better shape, have more endurance, it will only take a few months of work to become rock hard again (and who wouldn’t feel good about that?)

Life is good, I am employed, my kids are waking up form a good night sleep with fabulous dreams, feathers are waking, furbabies are waking. While I did not see Mr.S last night (:-( ), that is ok too.

Friday night surprise

Friday was a bit of a stressful day, I was tendering my resignation from a job I had only started about a month ago. I took the position thinking there would be opportunity. Alas it has proven not to be a good fit, a company that had previously offered me a position was pursuing me again so I accepted a position with them.

I talk about how change is good, I suggest to people be open and accepting of change, change can be healthy. And yet often when I find myself faced with a decision to change something I do not take my own advice. It is always easier to advise others rather follow your own. When I took the current position over the other one I was not following my own advise, I went with what the position of comfort. One that I knew and had worked before, instead of the new one that was more interesting and more exciting. What is done is done, I tried and it did not work (but that is no surprise).

Anyway on my way to work Friday I suggested to Mr.S that we meet for lunch, I was ravenous (no small wonder why we had a late night the night before). Mr.S said he was unable to do lunch but to save my appetite for dinner. To which I replied today or tomorrow ( we already had date nite set up for Saturday). He surprised me and and said “tonight unless you have other plans”. Well I quickly found a way to get out of Shabbat dinner at my brothers house without the kids Shabbat dinner there is not so entertaining. I was beyond excitement, between looking forward to dinner with Mr.S and the impending tendering of my resignation the day went quite quickly. Towards the end of the day an opportunity presented itself for me to put the letter of resignation on the MD desk without having to discuss it. I put it there and left, I know it was a chicken way to do it but I just did not want to be forced to have a conversation with her about any of it. She is a drama queen, and I did not want her to passive aggressively corner me into “telling her the real reason why”. After placing the letter I left and came home.

On the way home I told Mr.S about it he laughed, I asked where or what we were doing this evening. He had made reservations at a nice restaurant, one I had not been to before. I quickly texted a girlie with the name of the restaurant and she was like ooo la la. I asked her what do I wear, my wardrobe has two types of clothes, work, and comfort, no partying, no dating, no nice restaurant attire. She texted back “be home in five, and the door is open”. I quickly finished straightening my hair, and headed over. We were giggling the whole time like a couple of school girls. She had a super cute and sexy dress that fit perfectly, she then tried, begged, pleaded for me to try a pair of heels to which I will not (multiple previous foot and ankle injuries prohibit me from gracefully wearing many show styles).

I was wearing a colorful, cute, tastefully sexy dress, my hair was straight (I have typical Jewish poodle hair), I put on a little bit of mascara (I am not comfortable wearing makeup with my glasses, I do not think it looks good), I was looking like a HOT MOMMA! I felt like one too, my girlie said to me “you have changed, you look wonderful”. I do not understand what has changed I am still me, just now I am enjoying a different part of life, and actually she is not the only person who has said this to me recently. While I was waiting (not long) I was being productive and ironing my work clothes (call me old fashioned but I like my clothes freshly pressed and not via chemicals at the dry cleaners.

I put my dogs inside (I figured I would be gone for the night), we left. I had never been to this restaurant, while it is not the fanciest place in town (not that I care about that) it was perfect for us, warm, delicious, just the right amount of romantic. We shared appetizers, entree’, wine, dessert, and a cup of cappuccino. I do not think I have enjoyed myself like that, it was amazing. After dinner we went back to his place (unexpectedly for me as I knew we had “date nite” for the next nite). He let me borrow some clothes (after all I was in a party dress), we watched a movie (Grown Up’s) we snuggled and watched the movie laughing and just being. It was so wonderful.

We woke Saturday morning and it was so nice, he made omelettes for breakfast (he is a fantastic cook), and lounged. It is so pleasant not to be rushing somewhere, to gently move about not being bothered with the time of a schedule. I had forgotten I had set up a cable repair visit so when my cell phone rang I answered it (my kids were not with me and I did not recognize the number) it was them saying we will be there shortly. So we parted ways for the day, he went out to lunch with some friends (it was his birthday after all), I went home to do my stuff. I purchased tickets for our evening event (he had agreed to allow me to treat him to something for his birthday).

I cannot begin to describe how satisfied, and fulfilled I feel right now. Each time I find myself resisting wanting to part ways with Mr.S I remind myself that parting ways allows for reuniting and enjoying each other all over again. I realized that while it is frustrating to have to part ways it is not the end of the world, and yes I will see him again. I think I am confident in that knowledge (at least I fake it until I make it).

Life is good, Saturday nite will be another post later.

today was amazing

Today started like most other days, it is Wednesday so my morning routine includes chopping produce for the feather and shell critters in the house. Typical my son refused to contribute with chores, my daughter is not far behind beginning to also refuse (she sees her brother do it all the time, why would she?)

Running late as usual (because I again was the only one doing EVERYTHING). Got out the door, to the car I noticed my son had a different bag than usual, so I grabbed it and took a peek. Much to my chagrin there was a plethora of contraband and items that were not supposed to be there. It started with my sons mp3 player with headphones, and progressed to his Itouch (which by the way he lost privileges to) that not 30 min prior was in my night stand next to my bed, in my room (that is supposed to be off limits to anyone but me), and my charging cable and plug. By the time I got the the camp I was livid, fit to be tied, angry and again violated.

Add insult to injury my back is in spasm, I am hurting pretty seriously (and yes tired for my late night power tool delivery). I drive to work, (frustrated because I am late again) back hurting, get to the office sit down and more spasms (it did not stop the entire day, it is still doing it now). Worked my usual (this job is not a good thing, sadly).

After work I rushed to my previous employer, as I finally after six weeks of scouring resumes had an interviewee set up (I promised my previous employer I would find and train my own replacement). The interview went will, I am hoping tomorrow to offer the person the position, that will alleviate a major load from my shoulders (I am basically working two 40 a week jobs) and taking care of my kids, and maintaining a social life (I am one tired girl, you have no idea). The interview went really well, I will offer the person the position tomorrow, woot woot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I got another phone call, yesterday I had a lunch interview with the previous company I declined the position with before I took the one I am currently working at. Basically they sent the company “pit bull” to feel me out, after all I declined the position, and here I am considering it again. Asked and answered, why I declined (honestly) and why I am now interested again. Earlier before lunch I sent a brief email thanking the person for the interview and opportunity and that I look forward to good news soon. Well by 1700 my phone was ringing, job offered and accepted. I will tender two weeks notice to my current employer close of business Friday.

My cup hath runneth over with good fortune (first time in my entire life, I must finally be doing something right). I called Mr.S on my way home, I was dying to tell someone the good news (duh who else would I think of at this point to call and tell). I normally do not call him like that so when he answered the phone I could hear in his voice a hesitancy, I said I just wanted to share my good news with you and then I will leave you. I told him he seemed excited for me, he knows I am miserable at my current employer that is evident daily. We chatted for a moment, I told him that this is the first time ever I have had a series of good fortunes, I organically travel the roughest most difficult road possible, organically not purposefully (there is a difference). He said there is a silver lining in every cloud to which I responded “yes and I am a stronger better person for all my “rough roads”. I then said “you were my first good fortune in all of this, thank you”. I probably should not have said that, but I had of moment of impulse and it was out before I could stop it. I hope he will be ok with it, he also opened up to me a little about his baggage.

I can honestly say I feel good in my life right now. I am working full time, consulting, and have a job on the horizon that will hopefully prove to be the bomb! Mr. S is a wonderful fantastic person who like me has baggage, but is willing to try something new. I think I am his good fortune, he has never nor will he ever meet anyone like me, when I devote myself it does not get any better. I teased him earlier today that he has only experienced a smidgen of my capacity (he is still complementing my cheesecake from last weekend). I switched my kids camp and they are in a much better place, I have child care lined up for them after camp at least for the next few weeks (and hopefully through the school year), I am making more money, even though I do not get to see Mr.S as frequently as I would like it, taking things slowly has its advantages when both people are on the same page.

Off to the land of ZZZZZZZZZZ’SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Humm plans for the weekend?

Mr. S ans I share something in common and for similar reasons, we do not celebrate our own birthday’s. I know I personally have not had such wonderful birthday celebrations. I do not know for sure what his reason is, but a little birdie told me on his birthday three years he was served with divorce papers. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.

Last Saturday after “date nite” was over and I had been on my merry way for a few hours, Mr.S called and I asked him if he would please indulge me and allow me to do something for him for his birthday. He declined, I understood, I then reminded him about our conversation just a few hours earlier on the subject of “breaking the chains that bind us”. He thought about it and changed his answer to yes, that is alright. You can imagine my enthrallment, I wanted to jump up and down and do a victory dance.

Mr.S’s bday is this weekend, he is avoiding the fact and that is ok, I understand and respect it. Today on our drive home from work (he is his car and me in mine) we were chatting, and he mentioned that he in fact would not be having his kids this weekend as expected (they would be out of town with their mother), I asked if he had plans for Sat night, he looked at his calendar and said , NO. (in the book “the rules of dating” Friday night dates are a dime a dozen, it is the Saturday night dates that are supposed to be something special). Whatever, since I will only have one child this weekend it will be easier to find a place for him to hang so I can have “adult time”. And YES I feel guilty about doing that. I spoke to a girlie about possible ideas of what to do she mentioned a place near by that is more than affordable and something both he and I would enjoy. So when he came by to deliver the power tool, I mentioned the venue, and what the event was he said yes.

Last weekend we had date nite, this weekend we will have date nite, what is the world coming to? I have not had this many “date nite’s” in over a decade. And all the other stuff in between like lunch, and late night power tool delivery (wink wink), conversations, texting, etc. How do you really know if a guy likes you or is just passing the time until the BBD? While I do not suspect Mr.S of being a BBD individual, I am incredibly insecure, and are so far out of my comfort zone I am unable to read anything (much less body signals/language). I know my limitation, and when I share physical communication with someone I loose my ability of neutrality and observation. While I am absolutely cannot get enough of the physical component of Mr.S I do not want it to be about that, I want and need spirituality on a higher than physical plane.

Any pearls of wisdom?

A new path in life

Well I am feeling very validated, and content at the moment. I now have six “followers” to my therapy sessions which is how I reference this blog. It is very elating to see that people actually are interested and reading and appreciating what I ramble about here. I am my own worst critic, but why couldn’t I get past myself years ago and do this? Guess I had to grow up some, who knows.

I just put the kids in bed, now is quiet time in my house. This is fast becoming my favorite time of the day, no chatter boxing, not having to bark orders/directions/instructions. The little birds are settling down making their going to sleep chirps, Ollie (the big bird) must be crawling all over his cage because I hear the tinking of his feet on the metal cage (his perches are wood, and other material). The dogs are finally stopping the incessant chewing, and have gotten all their friskies out from playing with the kids while getting ready for bed.

I sit here reflecting on my day at work. Hum, was I productive? Was I productive enough? What did I get done? What didn’t I get done. My title at work is all fluff, and it matters not what my tittle is, what matters is what do I do. Honestly I would not even know where to begin to describe my job, it is both administration and worker bee. When my company restructured last month I was one of the lucky ones that was not cut (wew), but I also have been pulled back into the daily menusha , and less supervising and oversight. Auditing, and trouble shooting aka logistics are two of my strongest skills. Does this company know this absolutely, do they utilize  my skills, nope, do they appreciate the skills of course not. But hey I have a job, so while I complain I am grateful and do not take anything for granted.

Tomorrow my son will finally go for GT testing at his school, I have been asking for the testing for three months. My daughter was tested at the beginning of the school year (I guess her school was better organized, and more interested in getting the extra grant monies for one more student in the GT program). My son is bored stiff in most of his classes, no he is not a straight A student, probably because he is not being challenged. While my kids are not geniuses, they are both very smart and clever, and do not function well when not structured and challenged. I made a deal with my son, if he makes B or above in every class for two report cards in a row I will buy him the Xbox game system he wants, and to sweeten the deal I added that each time he makes Honor Roll I will also buy him a game for the Xbox. I made the arrangement with him about a month ago, might not have been enough for this report card but they come out on Friday we will see.

Life is good, I am employed, my kids are safely tucked in bed, I am going to needlepoint to take my mind out of active mode.