what is the message

I was having a conversation with my 12yo daughter yesterday, nothing specific just enjoying the last weekend of girl time before her brother comes home from school. I showed her a picture of a pair of sandals I saw and liked (she follows my style in dress somewhat). She asked why I did not get them, my response was “well I do not NEED them, they were not on sale, and when do I ever “spend” on myself?”

a conversation with my 15yo son

I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.

I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of  judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.

After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.

I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.

My kids are home

My kids went to two sessions at camp this summer (two three and a half week sessions) with a five day break in between they came home for. It was a long arduous summer for me for multiple reasons. First I was away from both kids for nearly two months, second my last three paychecks bounced and one of the replacement checks also bounced (that alone has nearly defeated me), third I was unable to take advantage of the time without my kids to do anything for myself.

The biggest news is that after a year of my son living with my half brother two blocks away they (my brother and his wife) unilaterally decided my son was too much for them and they do not want him to return. No transition, no discussion, just he is no longer welcome there. Apparently they got a taste of how difficult my son really is, and honestly they did not see the half of it. They never had to physically restrain the boy (I have had to when he was out of control raging).

So I now am faced to figure out by the seat of my pants how to incorporate my son back into my household. It has been my daughter and I for the past year and yes we have a routine (and are not accustom to having a boy in the house).

super busy

Lately I have been so engrossed in work I feel like I have lost contact with everything else. Every day I am in a different city (and yes they repeat themselves), my territory or division is thousands of square miles and I have 48 different clients. All of which I have to interface with, some frequently most not so frequently. I have been in this position for two months now and I still have not met or spoken to all of my clients.

I have been distant from everyone, I am sure my daughter who lives with me would probably say lately Ima has been absent and preoccupied. Different that a few months ago. then she was smiling all the time, laughing, funny, playful. Now it is back to business, and serious about work.

Do not get me wrong I loved the person I morphed into a few months ago, that was an amazing transformation I never knew existed in me. Sadly the influence that facilitated that morphing is not an influence anymore, I am trying to keep as much of it as I can (that is exhausting alone), but I feel it slowly slipping away. 

Since summer is over and school has started daily routine is slipping back into a comfort zone (no comfort zones are not always healthy but they are just that “COMFORT”). My son is still not living with me, and I miss him terribly, my daughter has become someone I do not know (or want to know). I never knew there was such a side to her, she is selfish, bratty, did I mention selfish. I take her to get a pedicure as a treat, now she expects it every time I go, I try to get to the the gym when I can maybe a couple times a week, but if she is around forget it she will not let me go. Always some drama or catastrophe that I cannot leave. Tonight a neighbor picked her up from gymnastics (I was out of town again), she was supposed to come home she had a list of what to do in the interim until  I got home, but no she had to boo hoo to the neighbor “she was scared of the dark”, puleeze. The house is far from dark, she had all the lights on, and left the dogs in the house, and wen to the neighbors to play. Manipulative little girl.

That infuriated me added to last night I got home early and wanted to catch a yoga and a zumba class (they were back to back for once). I was dressed ready to go, had my water bottle was saying good bye and she started the meltdown crap. Then after I sat back down and said forget it she says “it’s ok you can go”, humpf. I know exactly where that would get me. So for the second week in a row I get no gym time, because I have a selfish bratty child. I did not spend time with her, in fact I sent her to bed early and was working. 

This too shall pass as all else does. I am still in motion, I am loving the work I am doing, what more could a girl ask for?

 

crazy week

I am finally in my new role at my new job, and today the “regional coordinator” finally left. Starting tomorrow I will be able to fully integrate with the other person that is key on my team. I will be glad when I have my teeth into things and can start working my magic.

Call me weird or a geek or whatever but I love logistics, and coordination of them. I have stepped into a hornets nest that has not only not been managed well, but is close to dissipating. Who me up for a challenge? Absolutely, and I will rise like no other to the occasion.

School starts next week for my kids, yeah finally back to a routine that is comfortable. Summer always throws everything out of whack and it is impossible to keep things functional. My son has moved out again, back to his uncles house. Probably for the best, he is in a state that just will not allow for us to work things out. This breaks my heart, but it is for the best. It will allow me time to focus on my daughter who has suffered because of my sons behavior.

Life is good, feathers are settling down for the night, furbabies will be asleep soon, my daughter has gone to bed and is dreaming of lollipops and lip gloss. I will head there soon, after I complete some work.

update on other categories in my life

The kids are ok, my son is having behavioral issues again. He went to his fathers a couple of weeks ago and has not been the same (typical). He is overly emotional, I am unsure if there are girlies involved at his day camp. He is in gymnastics and loving it, apparently he is quite talented. My daughter has been having some issues (organic if he is she will) she has been soliciting negative attention, for example talking about private matters at camp (to embarrass her brother). But last week I was out of town they seemed to do alright, we shall see what lands next week.

Now the other subject: I did not realize how long it has been since I have written about Mr.S, I am sorry there has been a lot going on between my life and his. He has had his kids for the last two weeks to complete his 30 days of possession for the summer. The first week of the two weeks he only had the older two, the younger was at sleep away camp. They were with their mother last weekend, and will go back to her on Monday.

Last week (not this past week the week before that was my last week at the miserable job), was a really difficult week, between the miserable job, and my son I was really ragged and in need of some TLC. I was physically and emotionally worn down. I did not ask Mr.S directly, you see I will not always ask outright, sometimes I to be understood without clarifying (I know part of that women are from Mars men are from Venus communications). I went to my girlies house Friday evening for Shabbat dinner with her family, I was tired by about nine-ish and went home. My regular no children in the house routine, I took a hot bath, put on slinky pj’s, and had a drink (this time was Amaretto, one of my absolute favorites). I read until I fell asleep, somewhere after 2300 my fone bleeped (somehow I herd it, mysteriously) it was Mr.S inquiring what was I up to. Um well let us see 2300 hours what do you think? I knew he had a business dinner/meeting that evening. I was actually a little put off because earlier in the day (again thru text messaging, out primary communication when not face to face) I told him I had something difficult to say. I told him that I missed him, you can only begin to imagine how awkward and difficult that was for me to say. To which he replied “that must have been difficult to say”. Not exactly the response I was seeking (we had not seen each other for the entire week as he had two of his kids), and I was more confused by that point and not feeling very validated or secure. So when he bleeped me that night I was rather on the fence emotionally. I was missing him, and was in need of some tenderness (although I did not appreciate the hour of the request) so I relented with myself and allowed him to pick me up and we went to his house, Even for the late hour he was still so tender, loving, and romantic. When Mr.S and I are together it is not all about sex, we talk, we laugh, we play, we eat, etc. We woke the next morning he made breakfast (and yes it was delicious) we hung out at his house he was doing his thing I was doing mine, and we chatted about various things. Until it was time for me to go home, he took me home and we parted ways romantically as always.

We texted and spoke on the fone while I was out of town. Yesterday morning I sent him a cute text that went like this; “pssst are you alone I have a secret to tell you”, to which he replied “yes” I then said “I do not want to burden you, I know you are with your kids you need it and it is good for you. I just wanted to say I am missing you again”. To which he replied “Awww missing you too”. Finally some validation, I was elated and on cloud nine. I had no idea when I would get home yesterday so I did not want to ask to see Mr.S. After I got home had all my immediate chores done, and was making myself dinner, I reached out to him and said “chores done, dinner cooking, hummm what is missing?” He humorously replied “hummus”, to which I replied “not quite, do you know or give up?” He then said “blueberries and cheesecake”, you see that was our first romantic encounter was feeding each other cheesecake and fresh blueberries. I replied “now you are on the right track, would you like to come over later after the kids have gone to bed for dessert?”, His reply was “;-( family coming over can not break away”. Mind you I am exhausted I have not slept but about 15 hours the entire week, and are hitting that dysfunctional mode. I sent him back many sad faces and said “enjoy your family time”. I was upset, no two ways about it. This morning my fone bleeped earlier than normal, it was Shabbat so I knew it was not my kids, yup it was Mr.S asking if I was still wardless. I said yes, he said he was dropping his car at the mechanic and had a few hours of alone time. I should have said no, I know but I did not, I went and got him we came back to my house, we talked and had a romp (that was different in that we are totally in sync with each other and have hit a new plateau of pleasure), and then he crawled under the kids bathroom sink and proceeded to fix it for me. I was grateful and surprised, I was not asking or expecting him to do that. I took him back to the mechanic and went on my merry way.

I was talking to a girlie about this morning and her reply was ” I do not like this, it all sounds like booty calls”. To which I organically defended by saying “we do more than have sex, and we do not always even have sex”. But now I am thinking about it all, and not pleasantly. I am not sure how to assess the scenario, naturally I am partial and are looking for it not to be “booty calls”. But you see Mr.S and I are like a Mexican stand off when it comes to “talking about feelings”. He being male, and me being well me (I have never been one to talk about my feelings ever) conversations that involve “emotions” are left unspoken, not had, not avoided just not brought up. I am not so comfortable discussing emotions, I compartmentalize everything, and do not “feel” things like most people. The past few years I have been working diligently at not being  stone (hence the name emotionless brain), allowing myself to experience emotions. It has been daunting work, but I have made great progress. Then came along Mr.S, who by the way refuses to accept any accountability in my progress or the leaps and bounds of improvement I have made since I met him (is that a red flag?) Not that I am “dumping” my success or burdening him with it, but seriously since I met him my heart has become less heavy, and I smile so much more. I have a bounce to my step, I am satiated, those alone are feats to be accomplished for me, much less add them all together. Oh yeah and I have stopped wearing clothes that are five sizes too big, I actually are wearing clothes that fit and show off my “tiny figure”. You know not even my ex-husband in 10 years of marriage could not get me into form fitting clothes like I am now.

Mr.S and I are going on six weeks of seeing each other, what is the next step, and when will it be appropriate to take it? Will it be introducing each other to our kids? Meeting families? Meeting friends? I am so out of my element here, and when do we start having the conversation about it? I am trusting blind faith an hoping there will be a next step to move to (it is in my nature not to be confident, also something I am diligently working on changing).

Life is good, I am employed with a new job that will have untold potential, my kids are safe all my critters survived the week of high school-er that I paid to care for them. My cup is full, I was totally satiated until I started thinking….

is it over yet?

Every day this week Mr.S has texted me to remind me my crappy job situation is very temporary (he know how miserable I  am there). Yesterday he texted “hump day”, I knew this meant only three more days till it is over. This simple single act elated my heart, how silly is that? Mr. S is a funny guy…

So later yesterday evening I sent Mr.S (part of our routine) a picture of the thermostat is my vehicle that read 111 saying MAJOR hot. to which he replied, and then I began describing; “fantasizing about sitting pool side with a cold fruity drink”. he replied “fun, I then invited him to join my fantasy to which his misunderstood me inviting him over (I wish I could) to which he replied “tempting” (talk about tempting, I would love to be able to see him even if only for a few moments). I let that set a few moments, I then said; ” to join the fantasy all you have to do is imagine and then share what you see”. Of course there was no reply to this.

Mr.S then apologized for being out of communication the past few days, I replied with “no apology needed, I understand the bigger picture, and that I am happy for him to be in a better place with his kids”.  While I will take the bits and pieces for now with texting, I hate that texting is so subject to individual interpretation. I also said that I am working really hard at being a “rules girl” to which he came back with “do not confuse unconventional and being a follower with “the rules”. Holy crap, did I miss something? Admittedly I have prided myself with being unconventional, but a follower? Thems figntin words in my dictionary. I replied “unconventional absolutely, please do not confuse my tempering myself with being a follower, I am no longer BLAZING through life speaking everything I think and allowing other people to take lead or charge”. I also said I would have to pick his brain on why he thinks I am a follower. What I really meant when I said “rules girl” and I will explain this to him later is that for the first time ever I am moderating myself in a relationship, as much as I want to say to him “I miss you and want to see you” I will not. I do not want to be selfish ( I am sure if I push he would take time out from dad mode to accommodate my desire), he needs this time with his kids it is healthy for him and puts him in a better place I will not distract him from it. This is huge for me, It is very difficult, I am not enjoying it at all. I also after reading the “rules book” have decided not to be the aggressor, this summer my motto is break the chains that bind. I have not had success in previous relationships (hence I am divorced and single), so I am willing to try something different. In the rules book it says to let the “man” be the aggressor, let him be “in charge”, if he wants to say he misses me, I will gladly and honestly reciprocate, until then I have to keep it to myself. I do not want him to have any “genetic Jewish guilt” about me while he is doing what he needs to do. Does this make sense? I know I am over thinking it, but if you knew me in person you would understand this is me.

I meet my new boss today, I am very nervous.

My son has begun raging again and has left for a few days, I will blog about this later.

I need a hug……………………………………………………………………………………………………

today is hump day

I only have three more days (including today) at this job, I am ready to count the hours. Fortunately today I will be out most of the day I have meetings at my previous employer. I finally was able to hire someone to replace me (I agreed to before I resigned), and need to introduce them and start getting them orientated. So today and this weekend I will be training (Mr.S is with his kids, and my kids are otherwise occupied).

I finally finished the book “not your mothers rules of dating”, it is fantastic reading so much that I have already purchased additional books by the author for my trip next week for training. I have been able to take parts of this book and apply it to my life already, not just in dating but in general. Bottom line sip life slowly, and you will reap the rewards.

I will be going out of town for the week for training, the new company has a crammed packed schedule for me it appears they are putting about a month of training into one week. I am excited and nervous at the same time. My kids will be staying with friends, I will be paying a high schooler to help my kids take care of the animals (they will be staying two blocks away), what else am I missing? I will pack Saturday/Sunday, get a pedicure, I already purchased dog food, and produce, I cannot mow my grass the lawn mower crapped out and there are none available around me (seriously I went to Lowes and HD last weekend only the $500 models on the shelf). So I will have to pay someone to mow for me, not happy about that but for once I will not have to go out there and do it myself.

I have not spoken to Mr.S (I was not expecting to) while I do not like it I understand it. He has not seen his kids for nearly a month (and not really spoken to them either because the mom wont let him), he needs his dad time. It is taking every ounce of energy not to reach out to him, I did send him a smiley face text yesterday mid morning to which he immediately replied. We texted a little he is happy to be back in  dad mode, he is a rare breed that likes playing dad vs not. His kids have no idea how lucky they are, my kids would not know their father if it were not for court appointed visits. before I began enforcing them my ex would only call at holiday time to try to see the kids and at that it was to take them to his parents house. This is not about bashing my ex, sorry. I fully expect (and yes I know I am setting myself up for disappointment, but at least my eyes are open to it) to hear form and see Mr.S before I go out of town for training. Mr. S knows I will be leaving town for about a week, not all the details.

Alright, off to prepare for another day. Life is good, I am tired and are feeling my cup s l o w l y emptying and without knowing when I will see Mr.S to refill it are getting a little anxious. I know how to manage without Mr.S (I have been single for four and a half years since my divorce), but it sure has been nicer and easier since he began filling my cup for me. I like it better with him than without (I am still keeping things compartmentalized to protect myself, a blog for another day)

Have a great day!!!!

I am such a dork

This morning I had a chat with my girlie and took a completely different look at the “text conversation” between Mr.S and I yesterday. She apparently had a chat with Mr.S over the weekend (not specifically about me).

People we are all sickly addicted to our electronic devices, we are lost without them, we cannot function without the comfort of having it attached to us. We use these devices for a plethora of things, first and foremost is communication. The communication is limited even if you are talking to another person, because you can not see the other person, and read their unspoken communications. Another organic component to being divorced is the universal “fear of abandonment”. So when I read Mr.S text I went into hyper drive, and went into dork mode that lapses in logic.

This morning by 0930 Mr.S texted me very sweetly “have a good day, only four more to go”. He knows that I am miserable at this job, and this is my last week to be there, making it more difficult in a different way that is unresolveable (is that even a word). I must admit I got the biggest smile across my face when I saw his text. So here is what I have decided on: if I try to approach Mr.S now about the mis-communication he will surely not understand. He after all is a midst his last 14 days of possession with his kids, trying to prepare for his sons Bar Mitzvah (that his ex wife is intentionally doing everything she can to burn him). And one of his projects at work just got permit approval and will be taking off really quickly. For me to try to approach him at this point would be incredibly selfish, and appropriately not received well. I will blog about it as I am doing, let a few weeks pass (as previously planned)and when all the fur is done flying and I still feel compelled to tell Mr.S a story about how I mis-read his text I will, and if I choose not to tell him he will not be impacted by what he does not know.

For many years even before I met my ex husband I always maintained that if I could not find Mr. Right, I would never settle for Mr.Right Now. Put another way if you can not have the one you love love the one you are with, sorry that is not me. I cannot do that, more than once I was the “intermediary” or “the stepping stone”. Selling myself short, settling for what was in front of me instead of passing and waiting for not the BBD, but something better. In my marriage I was the leader, I was the path maker, I was the main bread winner, I was the adult. I was not able to relax, enjoy, be romantic, never was there sereneness, calmness, passion, pleasure. When my mother was in the last few months of her life, I was pregnant with my daughter, my ex husband found “chat rooms on the internet” (back in 2003 before the internet explosion as we know it today), he was chatting to women all over the place, in his mind he justified that he was not cheating because he never met them so he could not touch them. I would have none of it, he was chatting with other women he might as well have been having sex with them, it was all the same to me. That was the beginning of the end.

So when I say there is something different about Mr.S I am not over stating or exaggerating (and yes he like me has a failed marriage to answer for), with Mr.S it is calm, serene, romantic, pleasurable, we have even found our rhythm together. We can talk, or not either is ok between us. I actually look forward to the next time I will see him (and not just because he satisfies me sexually) I enjoy his company, his presence. There are no expectations between us (that is not true, I have stated that I expect respect in other words do not lie, cheat, steal, or toy with me), and after I said it his expression was almost that of being wounded. I looked into his eyes and gently said “I think you know what I mean by that right?” He got it at that point, and I actually felt silly for having said it, why you ask? Because for the first time I am actually calm, comfortable, serene, and able to sip slowly with someone. I can hear my girlie “are you falling for Mr.S?”, no, I am not sure I could ever put my heart back out there. I can be with someone, I can love them, but I still always remain guarded. Mr.S has gotten the closest to me out of anyone in a very long time (in some aspects closer than even my daft ex husband could get).

This has definitely been a summer of change for me. As I said previously if it is meant to be it will be. I am tired of foraging the path for everything, for once I am going to sit back and see what Hashem has in store for me.

Life is good, I am still employed, feathers are sleeping, furbabies are sleeping. kids are dreaming of lollipop trees, and swedish fish. I am tired, but my cup is still full while learning to drink life slowly I also shall learn to only allow the cup to empty as slowly if not slower.

confusing confusing confusing

I told my girlie long before I met Mr. S that I do not do the dating scene. I met Mr.S at a party, totally innocently not even being “introduced”. We have spent the past month doing lots of different things, all in the category of what I thought was dating.

Now he has become weird again (exactly as he did when he went on holiday with his kids earlier in the summer). This time he said things like “I am sure we will still be in touch. I cannot be certain or promise I will be able to see you”, and I am sure we will communicate, I just don’t know about late night visits”. WTF?

We had date nite Friday night we went out to dinner and then to a movie. I actually had been in a funk for a couple of days, I am in the last two weeks of this job and it is wearing on me and all the negative crap that goes on with it. I even gave Mr.S an out for Friday nite because I was not in a social mood, but no he insisted. I should have trusted me gut on Friday morning when I told my girlie I wanted to call things off with him, that I needed to go back to focusing on my l kids and not worrying about my desires or emotions.

Like a sap I listened to her, “he likes you, he likes being with you”, “would someone be so romantic if they were not also interested?” I do not fault her in any way for any of this. You see Mr.S is like a brother to her, he is a better brother to her than her own two blood brothers who always seem to sit in judgement of her. I made the request of her not to let my experience shadow her relationship with Mr.S, he is too valuable to her. He is not a bad person, we all have had our indiscretions, we are all divorced and accountable for failed marriages, whatever. I am not out looking for a husband, but I also am not the kind of person that will accept Mr. Right Now. There are too many potential problems, diseases, etc that can and will destroy  your life.

I do not know if Mr.S is stressing about things in his life or what, but he communicated all of this via text, really? Talk about “RULES“, dude you just violated one of the worst ones. Who knows, and now I do not care.

I am still in motion, I will not stop (I refuse to give anyone the power to slow me down when I am moving in a good direction). This only changes things, no more romance, no more sex, no more date nites, yadda, yadda. No I will not be looking to try this again, I was not looking when I met Mr.S, I am most definitely not looking now. If and when it jumps up and bites me again I will consider it (it did this time, it will again). Until then my heart will safely retreat back into its shell much like a turtle, and I will go back to being 100% focused on my kids and not on myself.

Do not hear me say I will stop caring for myself, I will always take care of me. Getting pedicures (as I always have), bikini waxing is new but I’ll stick with it (easier than shaving like I always have done), I have all new undergarments (some sexy some not), I have new pajamas, what more do I need? I am not the kind of person that needs someone in their life, or needs someone to “fill their cup”, I am capable of filling my own cup, and as much as I love sex to me it is not worth the hassle of dealing with someone else baggage.

Life is good, I am finally able to get back on track with my kids and not a moment too soon school starts in one month, feathers are happy, furbabies are snoozing, kids are fast asleep, I have had a glass of wine and will be going to bed soon too.