Being berated

I was raised old school, to always show respect to elders (regardless of their behavior). So when the owners mother repeatedly called me into her office to tell me how useless I was, and how she could do my job better that she should just take over my position… Each and every time this occurred I would sit quietly and let her vent. I tried to limit any response to one or two words, or a head movement. There was absolutely nothing I could say that would be received. She would frequently try to bait and switch the conversation trying to trap me into saying what she wanted. Fortunately I have studied people and communications and did not fall victim.

Not only did I not fall for her traps, she also could not solicit any type of emotional response from me. I am the master of stoic, stone cold unreadable face. This added injury to her festering insult.

She actually began trying to look for any mistake to burn me with. She would go around the company trying to convince everyone that I was unqualified, incompetent, inept, and a risk to the business. This too backfired on her, most of the other emoyees saw right thru her tactics.

But as human nature is what it is with enough negativity damage is done.

My anxiety is thru the roof. I began to doubt and second guess everything I said and did. At one point the owner (the son who actually hired me) somehow began believing her negative chaotic spew about me. I thought for sure I was doomed.

To be continued…

an interesting comment

 

I peeked in my spam bin this evening and found a comment from someone that said; Your blog began to get boring, so I stopped reading. I looked at your last few posts and they are getting interesting again so I will will pull you back into my blog reading list”.

This amuses me because some people loved when I was blogging about my interpersonal interactions, and others like when I just ramble, as I have been doing the past week or two. You can rest assured there will not be any more interpersonal interactions, that is completely out of my system. While there is a possibility I might have become a better person during the time I was elated and intoxicated with someone else s presence, that was only temporary. Back to reality, and reality does not accommodate for distraction and intoxication.

This is not a poor me deal, simply a reality check that some people (like me)just are not designed for relationships, others are. I can work magic with people, you should see me in action at work. My clients love it when I visit their facilities, and even more so when I take the time to be human with them. Chat about life, experiences, and compare notes and war stories. With 48 different clients I am hard pressed to visit each one of them on a regular basis much less interact on a personal level, I try and the lucky ones actually may even get to know me as a person and not a representative of my employer.

Work is well work. I think the position and company I am with now are a better fit for me in life. It seems that I am a little bit mentor and little bit student in a lot of different ways. The company is owned and operated by wimmin, there are men that work there but it is two wimmin that own the company, and management is primarily all female. Outspoken, direct, boisterous, funny wimmin. In my first two weeks I had already earned their utmost respect for having settled one major clients from total upheaval and cancelling our corporate contract. Now as more time has passed and I have had many many interactions (primarily via email, but a few conversations in text or telephone), they are still validating me. Asking for my take on scenarios, considering my ideas, implementing my action plans.

This evening I stepped outside my “norm” and comfort zone and sent an email to a few of them with some funny captions I pilfered from various web pages, and they are responding with hysterics. Nothing is more validating when your boss and your boss’s boss appreciate you, and acknowledge you.

I feel good about myself this evening, I am still in motion, and some day I will be able to say life is good again and mean it, for now I will fake it till I make it.

 

audio books

Today while putting my daughters room back together (she comes home from camp tomorrow) I was listening to an audio book called “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo It is in the same genre as “Not Your Mother’s Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules)” that I came across this past week.

I made the choice when I was younger to sew my oats, party, play and have fun. When I was younger I did not have the vision to marry, have kids and do the “normal” things in life. I was more a rebel with a cause (a topic for another day). Even though I men friends, and I had “fuck-buddies” I never really dated. My perception of dating was and still is that “dating” is too much work, I know nothing in life that is worth while is easy, but give me a break. Now there are books that explain “THE RULES“. It is all so tedious and consuming. Historically (admittedly not successfully after reading and listening to the audio book) if I had an interest in someone and there was chemistry we would do our thing whatever it was, if there was not any chemistry I never bothered. I could not be bothered to hang with or be touched by someone if there was no chemistry. Apparently it is a male trait that without attraction and or chemistry it does not can not will not work. Call me balanced between my estrogen and testosterone, hahahahahah  If there was not something there the I was attracted by forget it, you would not stand a chance to spend time near me.

I was a very outspoken, opinionated, never judgmental person, things have changed, I have aged, grown up, seen the light, and mellowed out. While I can be outspoken, I prefer not to be so vocal, and or expressive about everything. I spend more time observing rather than engaging. I still never judge, for I have seen what judgement does to people, and I chose to be different. If someone does something I do not agree with and it is not a threat of life and or limb I will keep my opinion to myself, only the threat of life/limb or the disruption of life are egregious enough for me to say something. When I see something I want I work towards obtaining it, whatever “IT” may be. Apparently in the dating world that is not the way things operate, who knew? Another life lesson learn the balance between when to work towards something and when not to? How confusing, and why am I supposed to participating in this game? Because it “FEELS” good? So do other things but that does not mean I do them. I am warm blooded and love sex as much as the next person, I love contact, of course it “feels good” to touch and be touched, it would be amazing to have someone in my life to have that on a regular basis. I am not sure I like it enough to play the dating games, being a single working parent with limited resources I am not sure how or if I want to “play these games”.

So that being said I have not heard from Mr. S this entire week, oh well it was a fun week we spent together. He had a very positive impact on my life in more ways than one. I am still in motion thanks to him. I will not call him, I will not text him, I will not email him. He knows how to reach me, and with my kids back home, booty calls are not a reality (I cannot bring myself to engage in sexual activity/behavior with my kids in the house no matter if they are awake or asleep and my kids are light sleepers). If it was meant to be it will be, a true test to faith.

Life is good, I will see my kids tomorrow!!!!!! I am ecstatic, elated, jovial, happy, and smiling. I will find a way once the kids are settled  in to have a social life. I have realized that I will also be a healthier person to maintain a life and an identity separate from my kids.