in a difficult spot

Yet another reason I prefer to live under a rock. I have recently heard varying mind sets about how people feel about each other and it bugs the crud out of me. One person says this and then does that, it is very confusing and exhausting.

I am who I am, if there is someone I do not care for they probably know it. I do not judge people, I may have my opinion about them or something they have said or done but rarely share it. It was said to me about a couple of friends by another that “they were thick as thieves”. I took that to indicate that the person making the comment did not particularly care for one or both of these other individuals. Now I find the person who made the comment is all bestie now with both of these other people. Was it an act? seriously we are all adults, we are not in grade school or even high school.

Why do people camouflage like that? Saying what they think you want to hear to fit in with you, and turn around an do the same thing with the next person, never being true to any of it. I despise two faced people, I do not tolerate it at all. The quickest way to yak me is to two face me, after that you do not stand a chance in hell of anything more than common courteousness (only because I am mature enough to know when is appropriate and when it not), I would not even waste my energy avoiding you I will look right thru you if you stood before me.

My head hurts, I do not want to think about any of this anymore. I am tired of it, I would like for us all to go back to the way things were, when we knew less about each other, and liked each other. It seems the more we learn about a person the less we actually like them. Why is that? I am confused if there is chemistry and two people like each other why play games? Unless there is a level of immaturity on one or both parts, can someone fake chemistry? Can something not real seem so real on an emotional level?

I am going to bed, my head hurts (I know I already said that). Feathers are good, furbabies are snoring away, my daughter is fast asleep, do not know about my son (at the moment angry at him, do not want to know), horizontal position is calling my name “emotionless brain” come rest a while.

audio books

Today while putting my daughters room back together (she comes home from camp tomorrow) I was listening to an audio book called “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo It is in the same genre as “Not Your Mother’s Rules: The New Secrets for Dating (The Rules)” that I came across this past week.

I made the choice when I was younger to sew my oats, party, play and have fun. When I was younger I did not have the vision to marry, have kids and do the “normal” things in life. I was more a rebel with a cause (a topic for another day). Even though I men friends, and I had “fuck-buddies” I never really dated. My perception of dating was and still is that “dating” is too much work, I know nothing in life that is worth while is easy, but give me a break. Now there are books that explain “THE RULES“. It is all so tedious and consuming. Historically (admittedly not successfully after reading and listening to the audio book) if I had an interest in someone and there was chemistry we would do our thing whatever it was, if there was not any chemistry I never bothered. I could not be bothered to hang with or be touched by someone if there was no chemistry. Apparently it is a male trait that without attraction and or chemistry it does not can not will not work. Call me balanced between my estrogen and testosterone, hahahahahah  If there was not something there the I was attracted by forget it, you would not stand a chance to spend time near me.

I was a very outspoken, opinionated, never judgmental person, things have changed, I have aged, grown up, seen the light, and mellowed out. While I can be outspoken, I prefer not to be so vocal, and or expressive about everything. I spend more time observing rather than engaging. I still never judge, for I have seen what judgement does to people, and I chose to be different. If someone does something I do not agree with and it is not a threat of life and or limb I will keep my opinion to myself, only the threat of life/limb or the disruption of life are egregious enough for me to say something. When I see something I want I work towards obtaining it, whatever “IT” may be. Apparently in the dating world that is not the way things operate, who knew? Another life lesson learn the balance between when to work towards something and when not to? How confusing, and why am I supposed to participating in this game? Because it “FEELS” good? So do other things but that does not mean I do them. I am warm blooded and love sex as much as the next person, I love contact, of course it “feels good” to touch and be touched, it would be amazing to have someone in my life to have that on a regular basis. I am not sure I like it enough to play the dating games, being a single working parent with limited resources I am not sure how or if I want to “play these games”.

So that being said I have not heard from Mr. S this entire week, oh well it was a fun week we spent together. He had a very positive impact on my life in more ways than one. I am still in motion thanks to him. I will not call him, I will not text him, I will not email him. He knows how to reach me, and with my kids back home, booty calls are not a reality (I cannot bring myself to engage in sexual activity/behavior with my kids in the house no matter if they are awake or asleep and my kids are light sleepers). If it was meant to be it will be, a true test to faith.

Life is good, I will see my kids tomorrow!!!!!! I am ecstatic, elated, jovial, happy, and smiling. I will find a way once the kids are settled  in to have a social life. I have realized that I will also be a healthier person to maintain a life and an identity separate from my kids.