Being berated

I was raised old school, to always show respect to elders (regardless of their behavior). So when the owners mother repeatedly called me into her office to tell me how useless I was, and how she could do my job better that she should just take over my position… Each and every time this occurred I would sit quietly and let her vent. I tried to limit any response to one or two words, or a head movement. There was absolutely nothing I could say that would be received. She would frequently try to bait and switch the conversation trying to trap me into saying what she wanted. Fortunately I have studied people and communications and did not fall victim.

Not only did I not fall for her traps, she also could not solicit any type of emotional response from me. I am the master of stoic, stone cold unreadable face. This added injury to her festering insult.

She actually began trying to look for any mistake to burn me with. She would go around the company trying to convince everyone that I was unqualified, incompetent, inept, and a risk to the business. This too backfired on her, most of the other emoyees saw right thru her tactics.

But as human nature is what it is with enough negativity damage is done.

My anxiety is thru the roof. I began to doubt and second guess everything I said and did. At one point the owner (the son who actually hired me) somehow began believing her negative chaotic spew about me. I thought for sure I was doomed.

To be continued…

What a long strange trip…

It has been another interesting road of travel. For the past year and a half I have been employed by a small business that is family owned and operated. Said family is dysfunctional at best. I want to start to chronicle my current, future, and past journey with this situation.

As with my previous all names and locations are changed to protect privacy.

In need of an outlet again

It has been a few years since I last wrote. There have been lots of changes and experiences since. I am in need of somewhere to express myself. Being a single parent (for 10+ years now) I do not have a spouse to talk to, a few months ago we moved into a completely new and foreign part of town and neighborhood. So we know absolutely no one.

In my younger years that  never bothered me, now it is not as effortless.

Optics are what they are

As I reflect on conversations of recent, I realize there have been multiple on the subject of “optics”. Optics tend to rule when it comes to human nature. My concept is what if we expand our ability to see things differently.

For example, there are 10 ways to skin a cat, correct? I say way five is the best, you may say way three is the best, and Sandra says way nine is the best. All of this is dependent on the environment and person skinning the cat (no cats were harmed in the writing of this post). Is it possible that all ways have merit? Each person has their own optics, but if we make a conscious choice to change ourselves and how we perceive things hopefully we can also change the negative perception of things.

Society, in general, has taken such a negative direction in the past 20 years. There is so much negativity and so many unimaginable events that occur daily. I propose for one month instead of reacting to something you see or hear, stop take a deep breath and consider other perspectives of the same thing. People, please stop perpetuating the cycle of negativity, seriously why would you want to repost anything about raping, maiming, or killing? It is no small surprise there is so much of it occurring, 90% of what I see reposted on Facebook presents to be re-enforcing that it is what society wants to see.

My optics of reposting may be to spread news, your optics may be to share an experience similar to one you had (possibly to help you heal from your experience), another person may get some perverse pleasure from spreading negativity. All are possible, it takes higher thought process to break lower consciousness from taking over.

what a long strange trip it has been

It has been a while since I have blogged. I have had a lot of lessons over the past few years. I look at every experience as a lesson, and try to take away something to grow from the experience.  I have been thru natural disaster, personal loss, parenting disasters, and realize I am not as young as I want to think I am. 

I remember growing up I told myself that I never wanted to be like to older people, I never wanted to forgo the life force I had. I always believed in mind over matter and if I kept a young attitude I would stay young. Well my attitude may still be young but my body not so much. I accept that my body may not keep up as well, but I do not stop trying.

I start my first class in nearly 10 years, I have made a goal. By the time my children graduate high school I would like to also finally have achieved a college degree. I have set the goal, and I will succeed. That is the way I work, I make my mind to do something it will get done. Do I really need the college degree, well I have made it this far and been able to barely support myself. Probably not, I want my children to learn what was inherent to me. You can do whatever you set your mind to do. I also am challenging my own belief system, will that piece of paper make a difference in my income (but my kids do not know about this part).  

what is the message

I was having a conversation with my 12yo daughter yesterday, nothing specific just enjoying the last weekend of girl time before her brother comes home from school. I showed her a picture of a pair of sandals I saw and liked (she follows my style in dress somewhat). She asked why I did not get them, my response was “well I do not NEED them, they were not on sale, and when do I ever “spend” on myself?”

a conversation with my 15yo son

I was having a conversation with my 15yo son about what his plans are for the summer. I asked him if he has tried to get any kind of work, to which he replied “no, Aunt B has not told me anything, she promised to find me a job”. I then asked have you reached out to Aunt B? Have you reached out to Camp B about the counselor position? He then replied with ” I emailed them back in August, they never responded, and no to Aunt B”.

I could sense and hear in my sons tone of voice the ODD was about to kick in high gear. I calmly listened to him tirade about how the world is made up of  judgmental bigots, and the only way anything happens is if you are lucky. I then inquired how many jobs has he had? how many job interviews has he been on? how many job offers has he had in his experienced (know it all) life? Of course I did not say know it all… I then asked if he would like some advice from someone who has been thru all of the above more than once, of course he declined because he at the rope age of 15 already knows everything.

After the conversation ended I was self reflecting, and actually asked the question “was I like that at that age?” I do not think so, but I am realizing more and more what I thought is or was may be different from what is or was portrayed (if that makes any sense). I remember being fiercely independent, but not a know it all. I knew a lot, heck one of my favorite pass times was reading and rereading encyclopedias. I had a lot of useless information about a variety of stuff, but life, maybe not so much. I also knew how to ask for help and accept it, that is something my son does not know how to do.

I would not admit this to my son right now, but 15yo has to be one of the most difficult times of life.

What a long strange trip it has been. ..

I think it has been nearly a year since my last post. Admittedly I feel like a very different person. I have had so many lessons unwanted and unwelcomed, but being the person I am I faced them all with my head held high like my mother taught me to do. Mothers are supposed to know best, how does one accept that a lesson they were taught maybe was not best? My mother has been gone for 13 years now. I have missed her more this past year than ever before. I am reflecting and trying to figure out why. I do not want to miss her, she is in a better place it is selfish of me to wish she was here.

dazed and confused

It has not been a pleasant past couple of months. There has not been any success on the employment front. My previous employer is fighting my unemployment, last week there was a teleconference tribunal. and the idiot and I iterate IDIOT that made and wrote up the decision was clearly confused. The conversation that she documented was not what was said, and it was egregious. I will now have to retain counsel to fight the utter stupidity that has been documented against me with the state. So now I am unemployed, cannot get unemployment benefits, and cannot find a job.

Perhaps when I am in a better state of mind I can write more.

a sad turn of events

Friday my current employer chose to throw me under the bus and every other large vehicle on the roadway. For the past year I have done everything they have asked of me (and more), stepped into additional roles, taken on additional responsibilities that none other would, only for them to terminate my employment.

Is this a bad thing? I do not think so, I have not been happy there for a while (if ever at all), and one door closes a window will open. So now what do I do with myself in the mean time? I am a workaholic, I need  productivity and to stay busy to be functional. Not to mention I need to earn monies, I am a single parent with two children and no family to help.

Now that I have time on my hands I will hopefully start writing again (unless I hit writers block).